


You're a mystery to us

by Elderflower



Series: What difference can one person make? [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Emotional Trauma, F/M, Memory Loss, Physical Trauma, Ponies!, Sexual Assault, Slow Build, drinking contests
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-03-19 06:52:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 60,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3600414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elderflower/pseuds/Elderflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The dwarves of the Blue Mountains have lived relatively secluded lives from the surrounding communities in the West, so imagine their surprise when their exiled king, Thorin II Oakenshield, shows up with a young human girl with no name and no memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> So I have an original female character for the Hobbit that I came up with after seeing the movies. These works are just a little of her back story. I'm not planning a whole pre-AUJ saga, just a series of one-shots to give some background about how she came into these dwarves' lives and her relationships. The beginning is a good place to start, so in this chapter, Thorin finds a mystery girl at the side of the road and - being good-guy Thorin - brings her back to the Blue Mountains. This is about ten years before the events of The Hobbit.  
> Tags will be updated as we go along.

_10 years before An Unexpected Journey._

My eyes snapped open, only to be squeezed shut again as a harsh light threatened to blind me.

Trying to ignore the stabbing pains in my head, I opened them again slowly. The sun beat down on my face, warm and foreign.

I turned away; to my left, a river flowed happily by, its ripples making the sunbeams dance on the surface. The bank I was sprawled on was covered in soft, slightly damp grass that cushioned my back. To my right were groups of trees, leaves bound together in a canopy overshadowing the road. They seemed to whisper as a soft wind blew through the air and left a chill that shivered across my skin. I looked down in horror to find that I was, in fact, completely naked. Instinct kicked in and I sat up, curling my knees to my chin and wrapping my arms around myself. The sound of hoof beats reached my ears and I hugged myself tighter, starting to shake. _  
Just keep still_. _How did I get here? Where am I? Just keep still!  
_ The hoof beats stopped. I held my breath; the silence felt more like a scream in my ear.  
“Girl?” A deep voice rumbled across the bank. I squeezed my eyes shut. _Just keep still._  
I heard a rustle and a small thud as the source of the voice dismounted.  
“Girl? Are you alright?”  
My lungs gave way and the breath I had been holding left my chest in a loud gasp. I turned my head slightly and felt a heavy, soft cloak being placed around my shoulders. The hand that briefly caught my sight was hard and calloused with thick fingers, one of which wore a thick silver band. I wrapped the cloak around me, letting my legs rest on the ground as I covered myself. Once I had settled, a thickset man stepped into view. He wore a heavy-looking armour, dark trousers and thick leather boots, spattered with mud from travelling. His hair was long and raven black, extending past his shoulders, with two braids at the front threaded with beads. A black, neatly shaved beard covered the skin around his fierce mouth and cheeks. He knelt down in the grass, his ice-blue eyes fixed on mine.  
“What is your name?” His voice was deep and soothing, yet imposing, making me shake harder.  
I frowned as my mind went blank. “I…I don’t…” I shook harder.  
_Name? What’s my name?!_  
I opened my mouth and nothing came out. And then my sight went black.

I shuffled slightly, confused at the hard surface pressing into my right side. My eyes fluttered open and were faced with the solid metal of armour. My eyes travelled up and I found myself staring into the eyes of the raven-haired man.  
“You’re awake.” He smiled slightly.  
I glanced to my left and found I was facing the back of a pony’s head. In fact I was sitting on the pony’s back, my legs hanging off of one side and my head resting against the man’s arm. His cloak was still wrapped around me, held in place by his hand while his free hand held the pony’s reins.  
“Don’t be afraid.” He said softly. “I’m taking you to my home. We’re only a few hours away. We’ll get there before dark.”  
“Where are we going?” I managed to whisper. My throat was very dry, I realised.  
“Ered Luin. The Blue Mountains.” He rested the rains on the top of the saddle and reached into one of the bags. He handed me a water-skin and I eagerly gulped it down. “Easy, go slowly. You’ll be sick.” He reached for it and I reluctantly handed it back.  
“What’s your name?” I asked, my voice still hoarse. He looked down into my eyes again, studying my face.  
“Thorin. And yours?” The emptiness resonated around my head. _What is my name?_  
“I don’t know. I don’t remember.”  
Thorin frowned. “Where did you come from?”  
“I don’t know.”  
His frown deepened. “What happened to you?”  
“I don’t know that either.”  
Thorin sighed. “Is there anything you can tell me?”  
I paused and looked ahead to the road. “I need new clothes…”  
Thorin chuckled.   
The journey continued in relative silence, save Thorin occasionally asking if I was alright and me answering that I was. Ered Luin loomed above the treeline and the hike up to the fortress alone took well over two hours. At the stone gates, easily a hundred times my height, two guards rushed forward to take Thorin’s horse.  
“My King, welcome back!”  
I whipped round to look at him. _King?_  
“Thank you. Please send my things to my chambers.” Thorin dismounted and handed the reins to one of the guards. “You there!” He called to a third guard who immediately snapped to attention. “Run ahead to the infirmary. Tell Óin I have a young woman who needs his assistance.” He reached his hands up around my waist and I slid gently down.  
“I don’t need to see anyone. I’m fine.”  
“You’re not. You don’t even know your name.” His tone was final and I found that I couldn’t retort.  
The stone door opened with a roar as Thorin carried me into the mountain.

I couldn’t help but feel utterly humiliated as I was placed in the bed.  
“I’m not injured! I just need some clothes.” I insisted.  
Thorin turned to the guard he had sent ahead of us. “See that something is found for her.”  
The guard nodded, huffing slightly at being sent on yet another errand, and swiftly left the room. An older, grey-haired dwarf with a pointed silver beard was the next to approach me.  
“This the girl then, Thorin?” He held a metal horn up to his ear for the response.  
“Aye. I found her like this out in the woods. She claims to have no idea how she got there or what her name is.”  
“I see,” the dwarf turned to me. “D’you mind if I just examine you lass? I want to check for a head injury.”  
I turned to Thorin, who nodded slowly.  
“I suppose so.”  
“I’ll leave you to it.” Thorin turned to leave.  
“Wait!” I cried, suddenly panicking at the thought of being alone again. “Will you stay? Please?”  
Thorin turned to me in surprise, staring at me in confusion for a few moments before nodding. “Of course,” he said gruffly, picking up a stool from against the wall and placing it by my bed. He sat down and placed a hand over my outstretched one. “Will you let Óin examine you now?”  
I did my best to hold still as the old dwarf began to run his fingers over my head, parting my hair and turning my head to different angles. “I can’t see any obvious injuries. Not so much as a bump.” Óin peered at me. “Are you in any pain?”  
“No.” I pulled the cloak tighter around me, feeling very self-conscious. “I’m quite hungry though…” I added softly. “I’ll see that you get some food.” Thorin squeezed my hand reassuringly.

I had been given a white shirt that was too big for me, hanging off of my shoulders, and a pair of trousers that had to be pinched in at my waist with a belt wrapped twice around my hips. It was only when the woman who had brought me the clothes had come in that I had realised I was in fact surrounded by dwarves – having initially mistaken her for a man due to her braided beard… I was also given some broth along with two rolls while Óin spoke with Thorin. They were still talking when I had finished eating, and I spotted the dwarf-woman who had brought my clothes whispering to one of her colleagues whilst glancing in my direction. Two more dwarves joined Thorin before long; one covered in tattoos and muscles with coarse black hair hanging from the base of his otherwise bald head, the other a much shorter fellow with long white hair and a matching beard on his kind face. They both had plenty of questioning looks to throw my way when they weren’t talking very seriously with Thorin. The feeling of being an exhibit was making me extremely uncomfortable and I wanted to hide under the covers. I tried to think, tried to explore my mind for any answers, but nothing surfaced. I was acutely aware of everything that was currently happening, from the whispering of the other patients recovering in the beds around the room. Some of them were looking over at me as well, those that were awake anyway. I looked hopefully over to Thorin who was now looking in my direction, a serious expression on his face. He then shook his head and turned to his companions, clearly very determined about whatever he was saying to them. Once he had finished they all regarded him for a few moments before nodding and they made their way over to me.  
“How are you feeling now?” Thorin asked kindly, glancing at my empty soup bowl.  
“Better, thank you,” I smiled back before turning to Óin. “Still don’t remember anything, I’m afraid.”  
“You won’t tell us anything about yourself?” The broad, tattooed one said suspiciously, his arms folded over his chest.  
“Not ‘won’t’. ‘Can’t’” I corrected him, making him grimace.  
“This is Dwalin,” Thorin nodded to him. “My comrade. And the other is his brother, Balin, my old friend and advisor.” The white-haired dwarf smiled warmly as he came closer, even offering me a small bow.  
“A pleasure lassie,” he spoke with a kind, yet authoritative tone. “I hope you’re feeling more comfortable now?”  
“The clothes are nice,” I nodded. “Bit large but, I suppose that can’t be helped. The staring is a little strange though.”  
“I apologise, but you are a mystery to us.”  
“I’m a mystery to me too.”


	2. Who doesn't love ponies?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Kili.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the girl is brought to the Blue Mountains.

“Excuse me?”

I blinked and looked up in confusion. A dwarf stood in the doorway to the ward. He stood almost as tall as Thorin with similar dark hair flowing past his shoulders – it had clearly been a while since it had seen a comb. Unusually he had no beard, only dark stubble, meaning his lips and teeth were very prominent as he smiled widely and strode confidently towards my bed and I noticed his eyes were a dark, mahogany brown.  
_Is he here to see me?_  
“Hello,” I said, trying not to gape stupidly. I couldn’t stop staring at his smile. He had clearly reached maturity and yet his smile made him appear mischievous; almost childish.  
“Kíli, son of Nalí,” He bowed low. “At your service. So you’re the mystery girl?”  
He sat boldly on the edge of my bed.  
I let out a small laugh and looked down at my blankets. “I suppose I am, yes.”  
“How are you feeling today?”  
“Better.” I looked up at him. “I’m getting tired of this room though.”  
“Perhaps you’d like a tour of the mountain?” He gestured to himself. “You happen to be looking at the best and most handsome guide.”  
“Lucky me.” I chuckled. “I don’t know if I’m up for a whole tour. I’m still quite tired. But I wouldn’t mind going outside.”  
“Now that I can definitely arrange!” He practically leaped off the bed. “Do you like ponies?”  
“I…” My mind faltered. I shrugged apologetically. “I don’t know.”  
“Well, let’s find out.” Kíli stretched a hand out to me. I smiled once more and placed my hand in his. He drew me to my feet and I picked up my borrowed coat from the chair.

“Here we are.” Kíli gestured to the small stone buildings at the bottom of the stairwell. The stables were located behind the fortress in a valley between the peaks of the mountains. The peaks allowed shelter from the bitter winds that often plagued the hills and a large lake stemming from the mountain stream provided a water source for the ponies. Today the sun was out and was rendering my coat useless. I took it off and laid it on a bench in the stable where the tack was kept and leaned against the wall observing the ponies; there were easily a hundred of them scattered over the large area surrounding the lake.  
“Beautiful.” I smiled.  
“Aye,” Kíli stood next to me. “They’re good beasts. Strong and sturdy but still fast when they need to be.”  
“Could I meet one?” I looked round at him, smiling hopefully.  
“Of course.” He leaned down into a nearby bucket and produced four apples. He put two in his pocket and then handed one to me. “Keep this hidden behind your back.”  
I obeyed and then followed him as he made his way towards a light brown pony grazing nearby.  
“Daisy!” He called. The pony’s head shot up and with a snort it trotted over to Kíli. He placed a hand on its neck and presented it with the apple. With two bites the pony snapped it up, while Kíli patted its neck.  
“Good girl! I’ve got a friend here who might have another one for you.” He looked up at me and nodded to beckon me over. I suddenly found myself quite nervous of the animal. It looked much bigger up close. After a few moments it had stood quietly enough and so I took a few tentative steps towards it.  
“Don’t worry,” Kíli chuckled. “She doesn’t bite. Just come up and hold the apple out in a flat hand.” He stroked his hand up and down the pony’s neck. “She’s very friendly, aren’t you old girl?” He turned back to the pony and scratched her behind the ears.  
I took another few steps towards her and stretched my arm out towards her with the apple. “Good girl?” I said warily.  
The pony stretched out her head to sniff the apple and then snapped its mouth over it. I snatched my arm back with a gasp, letting the apple fall to the ground. The pony merely snorted and took a few steps forward to start munching the apple from where it lay on the ground. I looked up at Kíli, blushing slightly.  
“Sorry,” I nervously tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.  
“Here,” Kíli stretched a hand out to me. I looked from the pony to his hand and back again, still unsure. Kíli’s smile only grew wider. “Do you trust me?”  
I looked into his dark brown eyes, sparkling warmly as he stretched his hand further towards me - I found myself nodding and taking his hand. He gently pulled me closer to him until our bodies were almost touching.  
He placed his hand on top of mine and placed it onto the pony’s neck. Aside from a small twitch of her ears, Daisy ignored us and continued munching her apple. Her fur was soft and underneath her skin radiated heat. I slowly ran my fingers over her shoulder and marvelled at how… _familiar_ it felt.  
“She’s lovely,” I smiled. “Yes, you’re absolutely lovely.”  
Kíli laughed, diverting my attention from the pony.  
“What?” I asked, warily. Glancing at his hand, which was still placed over mine, I noticed how soft the skin of his fingers were despite the obvious callouses in the tips. My eyes met his again and he chuckled.  
“I knew it. Who doesn’t like ponies?”  
I returned his smile. “This feels…good.” I turned back to Daisy. “Comfortable, even.”  
“Is it helping with the memories?”  
I frowned. “Not exactly. I just get this feeling that I’ve done this before.”  
“Well,” Kíli gently removed his hand from mine and touched my shoulder. “That’s a start.” He smiled again, but it was a different smile. It was warm and friendly, rather than cheeky and devilish.  
“I suppose it is.” I returned his smile.  
“Come on, you must be hungry.” He began to walk back towards the stables.  
“Oh, please? I don’t want to go back inside yet.” I called after him.  
“Who said anything about going inside?” Kíli laughed and sat down on the grass. From his pocket he produced the second pair of apples. Taking a bite out of one, he held the other one out to me. “An apple for you milady?”  
“Thank you, sir.” I laughed and sat down next him, accepting the apple.  
Daisy snorted and eyed my apple hopefully.  
“Nope,” I shook my head at her. “You’ve had two! This one’s mine!” I took a deliberate bite out of the apple. With a snort of derision Daisy tossed her head and walked back to her previous patch of grass.  
Kíli laughed. “You’ve changed your tune. You must have had ponies in your last life.”  
“You might be right,” I said, swallowing my mouthful. “I have no idea.”  
“You truly don’t remember anything before yesterday?”  
“Nothing at all.” I looked at him. “Whenever I try to remember my mind just goes blank.”  
“You don’t even know your own name?”  
I shook my head and took another bite. I wasn’t in the mood for another interrogation. Kíli seemed to take the hint and remained silent for a few minutes, finishing his apple. He tossed the core in the direction of one of the ponies and turned back to me.  
“Well, look at it this way,” he said, sitting cross-legged on the grass. “You’re in a rare position.”  
“I guessed that already,” I replied.  
“Well, yes, but you get to invent your entire identity. You can do absolutely anything now. You have nothing and no one holding you back. If your memories come back, then great. If not, you can just create new ones.” He smiled excitedly. “We could start with your name?”  
“Choose my own name?” I raised my eyebrows.  
“Yes. We need something to call you by. ‘Mystery girl’ is a bit of a mouthful.”  
“Well in that case,” I laughed, tossing my apple core over to Daisy. “But I’m afraid I don’t really know any female names, other than Daisy that is.”  
“I know a few,” That mischievous smile was back.  
“Fire away then.”  
“Estr?”  
I grimaced. “No thanks.”  
“Girda?”  
I shook my head. “No way.”  
“Excuse me, Girda was a good friend of mine when I was a dwarfling!” Kíli feigned offence.  
“No longer a friend?”  
“We had a fight. She accused me of stealing her small clothes to make a catapault with my brother, Fili.”  
I burst out laughing. “And did you?”  
“That’s beside the point.” He winked. “And don’t change the subject! We still need a name for you.”  
I shrugged. “It’s no use, I don’t know what fits.”  
“Let’s try a few more?”  
I sighed and nodded.  
“How about Alda?”  
“Hmm…better, but not that one.”  
“Inga?”  
“Not that one either.”  
“Vana?”  
“Vana…” I tested it out. It sounded much more natural than the others. “I think I could be a Vana.” I smiled at the young prince.  
“It suits you.” That devilish grin was back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now our character has a name!  
> Point of interest: Vana is in fact the name of one of the Valar, though I didn't realise this when I thought of the name (I just thought it sounded nice, then I remembered why it was in my head but only after I'd written loads of stuff for the Hobbit!) The reference will come up in later chapters.


	3. Living Arrangements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here comes Dis!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little Kili POV to get us started this time. Any POV that isn't Vana's is written in third person, simply because I didn't feel comfortable writing first-person POVs of characters that aren't mine.

_ Kíli _

“Please, Âmad?”  
“The answer is no Kíli!”  
“Please just consider it?”  
“Kíli,” Dis groaned and rubbed her hand against her forehead. “I am not taking in a strange woman!”  
“She’s not strange, she just doesn’t know who she is or where she came from.”  
Dis only raised an eyebrow in response.  
“Alright,” Kíli sighed. “She’s a little strange. But she needs somewhere to go. She can’t stay in the healing house. And we can’t throw her out on the road.”  
“And why is this my responsibility?”  
“Dis,” Thorin weighed in. “She’s not a child. She can learn to take care of herself. She just needs a place to stay for a while until her memories return.”  
“And if they don’t?”  
Thorin didn’t have an answer for that one.  
“I don’t know about this, Thorin,” Dis shook her head. “What could have possibly happened to her to make her forget her entire life?”  
“I have no idea,” He sighed.  
“I heard some of the nurses talking,” Fíli piped up from where he was sitting in the corner. “They think it could be some kind of dark magic.”  
“The nurses are a bunch of superstitious busybodies,” said Kíli, rolling his eyes.  
“Maybe so,” Fíli shrugged. “My point is that they’re making people nervous. If we were to take her in they would be more inclined to believe she’s harmless.”  
“He’s right, Dis,” Thorin nodded. “She has nowhere else to go.”  
“And we’ll help look after her,” Kíli chimed in. “I promise Vana won’t be in the way -”  
“Vana?” Dis frowned at her youngest son.  
Kíli swallowed as he felt the blush creep up his neck. “I suggested she think of something to call herself and she picked that name.” He scowled as his older brother burst out laughing.  
“Didn’t we learn about Vana with Balin the other week?”  
“Shut up Fíli.”  
“Yes, I remember,” Fíli smirked and stood up, sauntering over to his younger brother. “Vana was one of the Valar, most perfectly beautiful in form-!” He laughed and dodged his brother’s swinging fist. “-and feature, representing the natural unmarred perfection of - UNGH!” Fíli was knocked to the ground with an audible thud as Kíli tackled him around the waist.  
“Alright, that’s enough, both of you!” Dis sighed, turning to Thorin and rolling her eyes. “You really want me to take in a young woman with these two gorillas in the house?”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kíli’s voice was muffled in his brother’s arm.  
Dis ignored him.  
“You don’t have to, sister,” Thorin said. “But if you decide to I would really, really appreciate it.”  
Dis sighed loudly, bowing her head in defeat. “Fine, she can stay here. But you two-” She pointed at her sons who were still piled on the floor. “-will be on your best behaviour.”  
“We’re always on our best behaviour!” Fíli protested with a grin while Kíli launched himself at his mother, wrapping his arms around her and nearly knocking her off her feet.  
“Thank you Âmad!”  
“I’m starting to regret this already…” Dis muttered against her son’s shoulder.

_ Vana _

“Pack your things, milady! You’re headed for brighter shores!”  
Kíli’s outburst as he entered the healing houses made some of the other patients grumble as they were roused from their sleep. I shook my head and laughed as he sauntered up to me, a grin almost splitting his face in two.  
“Good afternoon Kíli, and what brighter shores would these be?”  
“My mother, Dis, has agreed to let you stay with us, for a while at least.”  
“Your mother?” I frowned. “Why?”  
“Because you can’t stay here forever, and we would like to have you stay with us?”  
“We?”  
“Yes,” Kíli’s grin faltered a little as he saw my expression. “Myself, my mother and my brother, Fíli.”  
“That’s, um… That’s kind but…” I grimaced as my mind emptied of any kind of coherent thought. “I wouldn’t want to impose-”  
“You’re not imposing, you’re invited,” said Kíli. “You’ll be much more comfortable and you’ll have a lot more privacy.” He clasped his hands together at his chest in a praying gesture. “Please say yes Vana?” His huge brown eyes locked onto mine and he deliberately widened them, strongly resembling a puppy begging to be petted and fed treats. I held his gaze for a few moments before sighing and nodding in agreement.  
“Excellent!” The huge grin returned. “Do you have anything to pack?”  
I cast a pointed look down at my borrowed clothes before raising an eyebrow at him. He blushed a little and nodded.  
“Right, right, of course. Well let’s get going then!” He stepped back to let me pass, following closely behind as we left the healing house.

Kíli led me further into the mountain and up seemingly endless flights of stairs. It didn’t take long for my legs to start aching and my heart to start hammering in my chest as my lungs heaved.  
“How…much further?” I groaned, struggling to hold enough air to speak a complete sentence.  
“Not too far now,” Kíli answered with an amused grin. “Just a few more flights.”  
“Why are you so high up? Are you important or something?”  
Kíli chuckled but made no answer, instead waiting until my breathing had calmed before continuing the ascent. When we eventually reached the top of the stairs he took me through a huge set of ornate double doors that opened onto a corridor. Torches lit the walls stretching from left to right and Kíli took a left turn, beckoning me to follow. The walls were solid rock but between the sconces and doors hung beautifully woven tapestries depicting great battles and images I assumed were signified parts of dwarven history. I could only glance at them as Kíli knocked on the first door we came to and opened it, beckoning me through.  
“Âmad?” He called softly into the room. “She’s here.”  
I stepped into the room and almost ran right back out again. This room was gorgeous, filled with rich and ornate furniture; a beautifully carved desk and chair covered in neatly stacked parchment and various quills and ink pots, three deep red armchairs sitting around a fireplace, complete with roaring fire that cast a soft orange light over the dark fur rug in front of it. I couldn't help feeling that I stuck out like a sore thumb.  
Sitting at the desk was a dwarrowdam with long, ebony hair, very similar to Thorin’s, elaborately curled and housing various neat braids held together with silver clasps. As she turned to face us, I noticed her neatly trimmed beard was housing a few strands of grey. Her features were fierce, especially her deep blue eyes, but her smile was kind as she rose to greet us. She stood straight and proud, with an obvious air of authority and I was suddenly very aware of my appearance; wild hair, baggy clothes and bare feet to top it off.  
“Vana,” Kíli said softly. “This is Dis, my mother. Âmad, this is Vana.”  
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Dis said, her eyes fixed on mine. I forced myself to look up into them rather than the floor. “My son has told me all about you. How are you feeling?”  
“Uh-” I swallowed hard, trying to hide my intimidation. “I – I’m grateful for your hospitality.”  
“It’s nothing at all,” Dis said with a small laugh. “I should hope the royal quarters are more comfortable than the healing houses?”  
“The royal quarters?” I turned to Kíli with a frown.  
“Um, yes…” Kíli flushed, his eyes fixed on the floor. “Did I not mention that?”  
The urge to run was growing alarmingly.  
_I don’t belong here. I don’t even have shoes on!_  
“You didn’t tell her we were royal?” Dis frowned at her son.  
“It never came up,” Kíli murmured, flushing an even deeper shade of red.  
Dis let out a long sigh before turning back to me. I must have looked as sick as I felt because she immediately ushered me into one of the armchairs.  
“Sit down, lass. There we are. I’m sorry my son has the mentality of a dust mite-”  
“Âmad!” Kíli protested loudly.  
“- but there’s no need to be embarrassed,” Dis finished, ignoring Kíli and smiling down at me. “Yes, we are royal. My older brother, Thorin, is the leader of our people and my older son, Fili, is his heir.”  
I shook my head slightly, trying to process everything she was telling me. _Kíli is Thorin’s nephew. Kíli is a prince. A prince has asked me to live with him._  
“I…I shouldn’t be here…” I said quietly. “I’m not-“  
“Nonsense,” Dis dismissed my weak protests with a wave of her hand. “The king brought you here and he has asked that you stay with us for the time being. You are a royal guest now, it would be rude to turn down our generous offer.”  
I gulped as I looked around at her. The last thing I wanted to be was rude to a princess.  
“I’m sorry, my lady – uh – your highness – um -”  
“It’s Lady Dis, dear,” Dis said with a small chuckle. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to our customs before too long. Before anything else though we need to get you some new clothes.” She turned to address her son. “Kíli, why don’t you show Vana where her room is while I go down to the tailor’s to make an appointment for the morning?”  
“Yes, of course!” Kíli grinned at me as I stood up, clearly amused at my lost expression. He led me out of Dis’ room and further down the corridor to the end.  
“This room,” he pointed to the door second from the end. “Is mine. So I’ll be close by if you need anything. And this one -” he opened the door at the end. “- is yours.”

The room was freshly dusted and clean, with two great windows facing out over the valley and the mountains stretching into the south. This view was framed by huge, deep red curtains that had been drawn back and tied with golden cord. Beneath one window was a small, empty writing desk and wooden chair. The bed was covered in a white sheet and green blankets with a furry throw over the bottom half and two plump, comfortable-looking pillows resting against the headrest. On the other side of the bed, an empty fireplace rested in the wall with a red armchair positioned in front of it. Opposite the bed, against the wall, stood a small chest of drawers with a mirror on top of it, resting against the stone wall. In the corner was another door that led into a small washroom with a sink and a small tub.  
I looked around slowly, my heart hammering as I took in every detail, trying to familiarise myself with something, _anything_.  
“Vana?” Kíli’s voice was soft and wary. “Is this alright?”  
“It’s…it’s great,” I said, making a poor attempt to smile at him. “It might take some getting used to.”  
“You’ve never had a room like it I suppose?” Kíli grinned.  
“I don’t know…” I trailed off as my mind went blank again, refusing to give me any answers. Kíli’s grin immediately vanished.  
“I’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say –“  
“No,” I shook my head. “It’s fine. I understand.”  
The next minute was filled with a thick silence as Kíli shifted from foot to foot and I tried desperately to think of something to say.  
“I was thinking,” Kíli finally piped up. “That tomorrow you might like to see the rest of Ered Luin? Start to learn your way around?”  
“I would like that,” I said, smiling at him. His cheeky grin was back and he nodded enthusiastically.  
“Great! I have to spar with Dwalin after breakfast but after that I can come and pick you up. We could go and see the ponies again as well if you like?”  
“That sounds nice.” My smile widened at the sight of his brown eyes practically sparkling with excitement.


	4. Breakfast with the Durins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short filler chapter of Vana's first night as a royal guest (gasp!)  
> 

_ Vana _

The first night in the royal quarters could have been better. Kíli had left me to myself with promises of seeing me at dinner. It was only after he left that it occurred to me I may be expected to dress for dinner. I searched through the drawers and found only a few old dresses, all of which were far too big for me. I eventually put my borrowed shirt and trousers back on, deciding that they were the least offensive. I spent the best part of an hour in the washroom trying out the different soaps and learning how to mix the hot and cold water to the perfect temperature – a venture which managed to successfully burn and freeze my hand at almost the same time. I then tried out the bed; it was much larger than the bed in the healing house and I bounced up and down on it a few times, marvelling at the softness. The blankets were soft and smelled like they had been freshly washed. I buried my nose in them, closing my eyes to revel in the comfort.  
It turned out to be a little too comfortable, as I woke up to find I had slept right through dinner – it was pitch black outside. I wanted to cry with embarrassment, but it wasn’t long before Dis knocked on the door and laughed at the guilty expression on my face. She explained that Kíli had knocked for me before dinner and when I hadn’t answered he had come in to find me fast asleep. Dis then ordered some food to be sent up for me and sat with me while I ate, explaining the schedule for the next day.

The next morning I was awake as the sun rose, having slept most of the evening before. I had just slept in the borrowed shirt, having nothing else to sleep in, and so I decided to wash twice in an attempt to appear clean. To my delight I discovered a comb next to the sink in the washroom and ran it through my hair to tame it. I couldn’t help feeling incredibly uncomfortable as I opened the door to my room, having no idea where to go or how to act. I had just closed the door to my room when Kíli’s door opened and he stepped out into the corridor.  
“Good morning!” He said with a grin. “I was just coming to knock for you. Are you ready for breakfast?”  
I only nodded, suddenly afraid to speak. I was very aware that I was about to sit down with a royal family. He seemed to sense this – or perhaps it was made obvious by my face – and tentatively reached out to place his hand on my shoulder.  
“Don’t worry, we don’t bite. We’re all looking forward to seeing you as we missed you at dinner last night.”  
“I’m sorry about that -” I started to whisper, feeling my face flush at the memory.  
“No, no,” He indicated that I should follow him and began to walk down the corridor, staying at my side as we went. “It’s not a problem. You needed a good sleep after everything you’ve been though.”  
“Whatever that is,” I muttered, not meaning for him to hear me.  
“It’ll get better,” Kíli insisted. “I’m sure of it. You could wake up tomorrow and remember everything. Maybe you’re the heiress of a noble family and you’ll be appalled at the place we’ve allowed you to sleep in.”  
I giggled at that – as if anyone could be disappointed in such a regal and comfortable room, a _royal_ room no less.  
“Or perhaps I’m an orphan abandoned in the wilds whose only friends are the birds and beasts and I’ve been sleeping in trees and caves all my life.”  
“That would explain the smell,” Kíli grinned.  
“Thank you!” I cried indignantly and punched him in the shoulder. He pretended to cry out in pain and I immediately shrank back,  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have...you’re a prince -”  
“Oh don’t worry, I’ve had worse from lasses before.” He grinned widely before coughing slightly and looking at his feet. “Sorry, that was inappropriate.”  
His sheepish expression became a smile as I burst out laughing.

“There you are!”  
As we entered the dining hall at the foot of the stairs, a blonde dwarf leaped to his feet and moved to draw a seat next to him back from the table. I noticed Dis sitting across from him, shaking her head slightly at the dwarf I assumed was her other son before smiling politely at me.  
“Why, brother you are too kind,” Kíli grinned and made to sit in the chair, only to be roughly shoved away.  
“This isn’t for you, you goat!” The blonde grinned. “It’s for the lady. Are you a lady?”  
“No, I am definitely not a lady,” Kíli grinned as I took the seat and smiled politely at the blonde dwarf. “Vana, this is my older brother Fíli.”  
“Pleasure to meet you Miss Vana,” Fíli took my hand in his and kissed it before taking a seat next to me, leaving me somewhat speechless. Kíli huffed and sat on my other side.  
“I cannot believe I have to apologise for both of my sons before we’ve even had breakfast,” Dis sighed as she offered me a plate of bacon.  
“It’s not a problem,” I said as I gingerly took a few slices and placed them on my plate. Dis then handed the plate to Kíli who piled twice as many slices onto his plate.  
“How are you this morning, dear?” Dis asked me.  
“I’m well, thank you.”  
“Are you looking forward to today Vana?” Fíli asked, offering me a plate of bread.  
“Yes, thank you,” I turned to smile politely at him and took a slice of bread. I glanced at Kíli who was shovelling his pile of food into his mouth at an unbelievable pace and began tucking into my own portion.  
“Are you sure that will be enough?” Dis asked, eyeing my relatively empty plate.  
“I think so, my lady,” I said, blushing at the thought that I was being rude. “I’m sorry, I -”  
“No need to apologise dear,” Dis said dismissively. “Don’t feel as if you have to act a certain way around us, we’re not going to throw you out.”  
“Sorry, my lady.”  
“You’re not very good at not apologising,” Kíli remarked through a mouthful of tomatoes.  
“Please excuse my brother,” Fíli said with a smirk. “I think he was swapped at birth for a changeling.”  
“And yet I remain taller, faster and better looking than you,” Kíli quipped, swallowing the last of his breakfast in one large gulp. I giggled at the two of them.  
“Don’t you two have to get to practise?” Dis said pointedly and the two brothers nodded and rose from the table.  
“We’ll see you later, Vana,” Fíli said, pressing another kiss to my hand.  
“We’ve already planned our grand tour,” Kíli told me, taking my other hand and kissing it as well. “You’re going to love it!”  
“Lads,” Dis groaned. “Release the poor girl and be off with you!” We both watched as they left and once they were out the door she turned to me again. “I haven’t seen them so excited since Thorin took them out on their first hunting trip. He’s sorry he couldn’t be here but he has meetings all morning. You’ll see him tonight at dinner though.”  
“Okay,” I nodded, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable again. “What – uh – how do I address him?”  
“Thorin might be a good place to start,” Dis chuckled. “He won’t be bothered by it.”  
“I don’t think I could do that,” I muttered, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear nervously. “He is a king and I’m just…” I frowned as the blankness clouded my mind once again.  
_I’m just what exactly?_  
Dis regarded me for a moment before nodding slightly. “Well, most people refer to him as ‘my king’.”  
“Thank you.”  
“You’re welcome. Are you finished?”  
I nodded.  
“Then let’s go back upstairs. The tailor will be up soon.”

Dresses, as it turned out, were not something I found comfortable. The tight corsets and the huge sleeves were bed enough without the billowing skirts that left me feeling far too exposed. I smiled politely at the tailor as he measured and pinned and tied pieces of fabric all around me but in truth I wanted to run far away. Dis stayed with me, discussing the orders with the tailor and politely reassuring me. Despite her kind words, I could tell that two hours in she was able to detect how uncomfortable I was. Later on the shoemaker joined us and took my measurements for shoes, laughing at my tiny human feet and jokingly offering me a pair of baby shoes.  
By the end of the ordeal Dis had ordered five dresses, three shirts, a skirt, undergarments and two pairs of leather boots and was told I would be able to pick them up at the end of the day. She left me to change back into my borrowed clothes, which I was very aware had not been washed in three days, before returning with a plain skirt and simple white shirt.  
“I normally save these for travelling, but you can keep them until the rest of your clothes are ready. When you know your way around you can feel free to buy yourself new clothes and shoes. Just tell me and I will give you the money.”  
“This is very kind of you,” I told her and accepted the clothes.  
“It’s no trouble at all,” Dis smiled. “If anything, it’s nice to see another female face around here. My sons should be up soon, would you like some tea while you wait?”  
“No, thank you very much,” I smiled back and she left me to change, taking my borrowed clothes to be washed.  
The shirt was too big of course and hung off my shoulders, but it sat better when I tucked it into the skirt and held it all together with the belt. It wasn’t long before Fíli and Kíli returned and practically herded me out of the royal quarters and down into the main halls.


	5. Flower Chains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli gets a pleasant surprise when he's out hunting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a time-hop here: this is about a month after Vana is found.  
> The song is "The Voice" by Celtic Women.

_ Kíli _

Kíli crouched in the long grass, fiddling with the shaft of the arrow in his right hand. The nest was close by, he knew, and now it was a waiting game. He had spotted the hare’s nest the previous week with Fíli and they had set each other a challenge; hares were notoriously hard to shoot but also hard to trap – they had outsmarted many an intricate snare.  
Fíli was supposed to be with him but their uncle had told them at breakfast that he needed Fíli to accompany him today to his meetings. Of course, Kíli didn’t begrudge his older brother for it, but it wasn’t the same without his teasing and laughter – though at least he would probably catch more game by himself.  
He moved into a sitting position as his leg started to go to sleep, keeping his eyes trained on the nest. Staring at an empty pile of grass only made him impatient and he found his mind wandering to their guest.  
It had been a month since Vana had come into their lives, and she was proving to be a welcome addition. After the first few days staying with them she was able to converse easily with both his mother and uncle, crack jokes with Fíli and she smiled a lot more.  
She still had not regained any of her memories but occasionally she would see something or hear something that she said felt ‘familiar’, such as the ponies. Every time Kíli went riding he now invited Vana, who had surprised them all by jumping right into the saddle when offered and riding Daisy around the lake as easily as if she were walking. She had laughed so excitedly that Kíli’s face had hurt from grinning at her. He smiled a little at the memory and felt the muscles in his face twinge.  
It was just then that a movement caught his eye and he looked up to spot the hare bounding towards its nest. It paused and stood on its hind legs, sniffing the air and peering around. Kíli kept low, slowly nocking his arrow to his bow. When the hare looked away, he drew the arrow back and took aim. Barely a second before he released it the hare bolted, bounding away from its nest with its ears flat on its head. With a groan Kíli got to his feet and sprinted after it, following it up the steep incline of the mountainside. He reached the top of the hill and lay flat on the ground, peering over the top of the grass.  
The sight that met his eyes was not what he expected.

Vana was kneeling in the grass, picking wildflowers from the between the soft, green blades and knitting them together, tying the stalks with plucked pieces of grass. She smiled at her creation and placed it on the ground before picking more flowers and intertwining them to form a chain. He watched as her fingers moved nimbly between the stalks, extending the chain with a pattern of white and yellow flowers, wondering when he should interrupt. After all, it certainly wasn’t princely to spy.  
Then her mouth opened and she started to sing.

_ Vana _

I wasn’t sure exactly how I was doing it, but somehow my fingers knew by themselves. I also didn’t know what had drawn me to that particular hilltop, just that the mountain air in my lungs and the smell of the grass was invigorating, and the view of the snow-capped mountain tops and the fields and rivers below made me feel like I could fly or fall asleep. The whole place evoked that particular warm feeling that I had first felt with the ponies; that familiarity. It was reassuring, and it gave me hope.  
In the last month not much had changed. The healer, Óin, had concluded that I must be at least sixteen years old – the age humans reach adulthood. This had amused Fíli and Kíli to no end, what with them being 72 and 67, respectively and it had taken me days to persuade them to stop calling me their ‘baby’. Thorin’s friend, Dwalin, was still slightly hostile, constantly watching me as if I was about to snap, but his brother, Balin, was as friendly as ever. He had shown me the library of old texts brought from their homeland further east and I had been shocked when he told me of the dragon and the desolation he had wrought.  
To my dismay, most of the texts had been in Khuzdul and I couldn’t read them, but nevertheless I enjoyed being there. The smell of the books was comforting and relaxing.  
Discovering that I knew how to ride had proven to be the most exciting thing, though it frustrated me that I couldn’t remember riding before, nor who had taught me, nothing. I searched for as many ‘familiarities’ as I could, every time hoping it would help surface any sort of memory.  
The chain was as long as my forearm when all of a sudden a tune began to form in my head and words started flowing in a pattern through the rhythm. Without thinking, I continued making the flower chain and began to sing.

_“I hear your voice on the wind  
And I hear you call out my name_

The notes carried into the air and echoed around the mountainside, filling my ears and flowing through my body as I began to sway.

 _“’Listen, my child,’ you say to me_  
_‘I am the voice of your history_  
_Be not afraid, come follow me_  
_Answer my call, and I'll set you free’”_

Abandoning the flowers, I got to my feet and let my limbs move as they wanted. They seemed to take on a new life of their own as I continued to sing louder.

 _“I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain_  
_I am the voice of your hunger and pain_  
_I am the voice that always is calling you_  
_I am the voice, I will remain_

 _I am the voice in the fields when the summer's gone_  
_The dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow_  
_Ne'er do I sleep throughout all the cold winter long_  
_I am the force that in springtime will grow_

 _I am the voice of the past that will always be_  
_Filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields_  
_I am the voice of the future, bring me your peace_  
_Bring me your peace, and my wounds, they will heal_

 _I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain_  
_I am the voice of your hunger and pain_  
_I am the voice that always is calling you_  
_I am the -”_

The flash of dark hair in the long grass made me scream in shock, my hands flying instinctively to my face. Kíli leaped to his feet with an expression of guilt mixed with clear and obvious amusement.  
“I’m sorry,” he dropped the bow he had been clutching in his left hand and raised his hands in a surrender. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to spy on you. I saw you and I was going to say something, but then you started singing and…you can sing!” He grinned widely and I frowned at him.  
“You scared me.”  
“I know, and I’m sorry,” he repeated. “But…how do you sing like that?”  
“Like what?”  
“Your voice is…amazing!” His grinning defied the impossible and widened even more.  
I didn’t return it, still trying to slow my rapid heart down. “How can you sing like that?” Kíli asked again.  
“I don’t know, I just did…” I muttered, returning to my abandoned flower chain. “It felt natural. I thought if I kept going it might help me remember something.”  
There was a short pause before Kíli spoke again, his voice much quieter.  
“Are you angry with me?”  
“No,” I replied without looking at him. “You just scared me.”  
“I’m sorry.” He sat cross-legged in front of me as he spoke. “I was hunting and I just came across you. I wasn’t following you or anything, I promise.”  
“I believe you.”  
Another pause.  
“What are you doing out by yourself anyway?”  
“I fancied a walk. There’s not a lot else I know how to do.”  
“I would have come with you.”  
“You were busy. Besides aren’t you sick of me?” I attempted to chuckle.  
“I was supposed to hunt, but without Fíli it’s nowhere near as fun. And, no I’m not sick of you. Why would I ever be sick of you?”  
“Because it’s been a month and I’m still a blank canvas, a nobody with no name and no -”  
“Vana,” He reached over to touch my hand, his skin warm and slightly rough against mine. I looked from his hand up to him; all trace of laughter was gone from his eyes. “You’re not a nobody. Not to me.”  
I smiled slightly and ducked my head as I felt the blush creeping up into my face.  
“Thank you Kíli.”  
“I’m sorry, it must be so frustrating. But it will get better, and you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. My family certainly love having you.”  
I smiled at that, linked the two ends of the flower chain together and presented it to him.  
“For you,” I grinned as his favourite cheeky smile returned. “A crown for a prince.”  
“Thank you,” he grinned and placed it on his head so it rested around his forehead. “How do I look?”  
“Very pretty,” I grinned. “It brings out your eyes. And it looks lovely in your hair.” I reached over to brush a lock of his hair out of his eyes and Kíli’s eyes widened, his mouth falling open. I immediately drew my hand back.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“You…touched my hair…” Kíli’s face was bright red and he nervously scratched at his stubble as he went to explain. “Among dwarves, hair is very personal. It’s a very intimate thing to touch another dwarf’s hair or beard.”  
“Oh.” It was my turn to blush furiously. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise -”  
“No, no, it’s my fault. I should have told you. It’s just such a well-known rule among my kin that I didn’t even think about it.”  
“So no one can ever touch another dwarf’s hair?”  
“Well,” Kíli seemed to be refusing to look at me. “It’s usually only seen between family members. Parents and children, siblings…spouses…”  
“I see,” I nodded. “So it’s kind of like kissing?”  
“I suppose so, yes.”  
I couldn’t help the burst of laughter that erupted out of me, making Kíli jump.  
“So I may as well have just kissed you then?” I gasped out between spurts of laughter.  
“Is the thought of kissing me that funny?” Kíli tried to look offended but his cheeky smile was breaking through once again.  
“No,” I rocked slightly as the laughter began to squeeze my side painfully. “I was just thinking what your face would have looked like if I had.” I took a deep breath to try and calm myself and shook my head to get rid of the laughter. “I’m sorry, this is an incredibly inappropriate conversation!”  
“Well, I won’t tell anyone if you won’t,” Kíli winked.  
“Deal.”  
We shook hands but on the walk back to the mountain I couldn’t help but think of Kíli’s surprised expression and burst out laughing again.


	6. The Night Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli and Kíli take Vana out for a night on the town. Mmm, dwarvish ale...

_Vana_

I was almost completely certain that Dis knew nothing of this. Fíli and Kíli had convinced me to join them after dinner for a walk and _somehow_ we had ended up in a tavern. It had apparently been weighing on their minds that I didn’t know very many dwarves outside of their family and it would do me good to meet new people. I took their word for it and now here I was drinking ale in a very loud, very hot tavern.

It wasn’t the most comfortable of surroundings but the entire place was filled with laughter and lively conversation and I soon got used to it and began to relax. Kíli had sat us down in the middle of the room next to two other dwarves, one of whom had hair that stuck out around his head like the points of a star and the other I had seen before in the library poring over old scrolls and books. I had never spoken to him other than a passing ‘good day’, but he had always seemed shy and awkward on those occasions. The fellow with the strange hair introduced himself as Nori and the other as his little brother, Ori.  
“Does Dori know you’re here, Ori?” Kíli asked with a smirk.  
“Nori always says whatever our older brother doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Ori murmured with a quick glance at Nori who only rolled his eyes.  
“I keep telling him Ori needs to get out more, build up his confidence.”  
“That’s what we’ve been telling Vana,” Fíli said, nudging my arm with a grin. I only glared at him.  
“My confidence is rock solid, I’ll have you know.”  
“Oh really?” Kíli asked. “Care to prove it?”  
“Perhaps,” I smirked and raised an eyebrow at him, knowing he was thinking of the time he heard me singing last week. “What kind of proof do you require?” Kíli regarded me for a moment before taking a sip of ale and smirking right back.  
“Leave it with me awhile. I’ll think of something.”  
“Gentlemen!” A loud, rambunctious shout echoed over the noise of the tavern and I turned to see another dwarf make his way across to us. His clothes were a little tattered and stained with soot and his dark hair, braided into pigtails, stuck out of his abnormally large hat.  
“Bofur!” Nori shouted back and pulled a chair out for him to sit. Fíli and Kíli rose to grasp his hand in a firm handshake.  
“Vana,” Kíli turned to me and gestured to the new arrival. “This is Bofur. Bofur, this is Vana, our guest.”  
“Ah yes, the mysterious human maid!” Bofur winked at me and reached over to shake my hand, raising his hat with his other hand. I returned the gesture and he grinned widely at me. “A firm handshake! I like her already! If I’d known there was going to be a woman present I wouldn’t have come straight from the forge, I apologise.”  
“Oh there’s no need,” I shrugged. “I didn’t get dressed up either.”  
“Bofur, what will you have to drink?” Fíli asked.  
“Whatever you’re having, lad. You know me, I’ll drink anything.”

“Right lads, what d’you say we make this interesting?” Bofur asked over his fourth cup of ale.  
“What’re you thinking?” Kíli smirked. He had been doing that a lot more with every cup he drank.  
“I’ll get the next round, first to finish gets free drinks from the rest and picks a forfeit for the last to finish.”  
“I’m in,” Kíli grinned.  
“Aye, us too,” Nori said, nudging his little brother playfully. Ori only smiled widely, a little-glassy-eyed.  
“Is this wise? With a lady present?” Fíli asked semi-seriously. I only rolled my eyes, the strong, dwarvish ale giving me a new confidence.  
“I’m no lady. And I’ll take all of you on.”  
They all turned to stare at me.  
“What? You scared you’ll lose to a human maid?”  
“I’m more scared of having to explain your impending state to my mother and Thorin,” Fíli replied.  
“She’ll skin us if we have to carry you home covered in your own vomit,” Kíli pointed out.  
“And humans have much weaker constitutions than dwarves. Most can’t survive more than a single cup of our ale.”  
“You think I’m too weak? That my flimsy female body can’t handle your ale? Tell me, gentlemen, can any of you big strong males do this?” I stood up and moved the end of the table where I proceeded to lift my skirt above my knees and slide down onto the floor, one leg stretched flat in front of me, the other behind.  
The five dwarves gaped at me; Ori looked like he might faint. I laughed out loud as Fíli and Kíli stared awestruck at me. The tavern quietened as the other patrons started to notice me. I looked around and saw them staring, muttering to one another, in the corner a couple of them applauded. I got back to my feet as Bofur started to laugh.  
“Well, I’m convinced. I accept your challenge Miss Vana.”  
“How did you do that?” Kíli asked, his eyes still wide as I sat next to him once again.  
“Last night I just sort of realised I could do it. I tried it out a few times.”  
“Isn’t it sore?” Nori asked me.  
“Oh Mahal, yes.” I chuckled.  
The loud rumbling of a throat clearing caught our attention and we all turned to see Dwalin standing by our table with a deep frown on his face.  
“What are you doing here?” He asked me pointedly. I didn’t answer at first, suddenly feeling incredibly small under his fierce gaze.  
“She’s with us,” Fíli said cheerfully. “We thought she could use a fun evening.”  
“And do you call exposing yourself in a tavern ‘fun’?” Dwalin, again, focused on me.  
“I – I,” I looked up at him again but immediately regretted it. He was glaring at me now, his huge arms folded over his vast chest.  
“She’s not doing any harm by being here, Dwalin,” Kíli protested. “And she didn’t expose herself.”  
“In fact,” Nori joined in. “If anything she exposed us in our lack of appreciation for the strength and skill of the female body. And for that we are eternally grateful.” Nori turned from Dwalin to raise his cup at me. I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of his comment. Dwalin only frowned harder and took a seat next to Fíli.  
“I’m sure your uncle wouldn’t want the two of you to be making a fool out of her in public.”  
“Dwalin, that is not what we’re doing. We’re just having some fun. Stay with us if you like, to make sure we get her home safely.”  
Dwalin grunted and leaned back in his chair as Bofur returned with the drinks.  
“Mr. Dwalin!” He greeted the huge dwarf with a wide and cheery smile. “Apologies, I would’ve gotten you a drink too!”  
“No need, Bofur,” Dwalin waved his hand dismissively. “I shan’t be drinking anymore tonight.” He glanced at me and I looked away, accepting my cup from Bofur.  
“Good! You can be the judge of our little contest.” Bofur sat down after handing the rest of the drinks out.  
“ _You’re_ having a drinking contest?” Dwalin asked me gruffly, his frown returning. A new confidence surged through my veins as the smell of the ale reached my nose. I turned to the warrior and nodded arrogantly.  
“You are correct sir! One, two, three, GO!” I raised the cup to my lips and swallowed hard as the dark liquid filled my mouth. In five hard gulps that stretched my throat almost to breaking point I slammed my cup down to the horror of five other dwarves who were all still chugging. One by one, they slammed their own cups down with surprised shouts. Nori groaned audibly as his cup met the table last.  
“Nori, you lose,” Dwalin smirked, flicking Nori’s cup over before turning back to me with a look of impressed surprise.  
“Nicely done,” Kíli said with a smirk. "I shall accept that as proof of your _rock solid confidence_."  
“Just wait until it kicks in,” Fíli raised his eyebrows and I scoffed.  
“It was easy. And you two thought I couldn’t handle ale.”  
“Right, lass,” Bofur quipped, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “You’re up, what is Nori’s forfeit?”  
“Hmm,” I tilted my head to the side and looked at Nori, who was narrowing his eyes at my expression. “Let me think about it.” Nori groaned and rolled his eyes. “Don’t torture me woman!” I giggled and twirled my cup between my fingers.  
“I don’t feel so well,” Ori murmured. As the night wore on, Dwalin became much more engaged in the conversation. Ori rested his head on the table and fell asleep, much to everyone’s amusement and Nori shook his head fondly at his younger brother; he wasn’t even roused by the dwarves who pulled out their fiddles, flutes and bodhrans and struck up some lively music. Many dwarves cheered and began to move the tables and chairs back against the walls to make room in the centre. We all followed suit and Nori had to shake Ori awake to get him to stand. Dwalin eventually went to fetch him some water which he gulped down as if he was dying of thirst. I hoisted myself up onto a table to watch as the dwarves began to dance, swinging each other around and stamping their feet in time to the music. Setting his cup down, Kíli moved to stand in front of me.  
“Dance with me?” He asked in a husky voice, holding his hand out to me. I stared at it stupidly for a moment before looking back up to him a shaking my head shyly.  
“I don’t know the steps.”  
“Neither do I.” He smiled that familiar cheeky smile and I couldn’t help but chuckle. “There’s no steps, we just dance. Come on, please?”  
I shook my head slightly with a sigh before taking his hand and letting him lead me into the centre of the room. He immediately raised my hand into the air and spun me under his arm and I follow his lead with a surprised laugh. He then linked his arm through mine and we spun around, laughing and cheering at each other in time with music. The mixture of the ale, the lively music and the dancing was making my head feel light and slightly dizzy. It wasn’t a bad feeling, in fact it was almost euphoric, and I found that I could not stop smiling and laughing as Kíli continued to dance. Bofur, Nori and Fíli joined us too, taking turns to spin me and dance around the tavern. Fíli even placed his arm around my waist and led me around the floor in a speedy polka which left my head spinning. He laughed and raised his arm to spin me under it and back to Kíli. I followed the motion and almost made it to a smiling Kíli before something locked around my leg and pulled it out from under me, sending me falling hard on my back with a loud thud. I gasped from the force and looked up into the eyes of a furious dwarrowdam who glared down at me.  
“You’re not welcome here,” she hissed and stormed away. Before I could even register her words, Kíli’s arms were locked around me and he was hauling me to my feet.  
“Are you alright?” He asked, frantically leading me back to the table to a slightly nauseated Ori and a furious Dwalin. “Are you hurt I saw what that woman did!?”  
“I’m fine, I tripped, it’s nothing.” I shook my head and instantly regretted it, feeling the blood rushing to it and swaying slightly.  
“Vana?” Kíli’s hands on my shoulders steadied me.  
“I…don’t feel so good…” I admitted, ducking my head.  
“I think it’s time to go home.” Dwalin stated with obvious authority and Kíli nodded. Fíli, Bofur and Nori reappeared and gathered around me.  
“Are you alright?”  
“We saw you fall?”  
“Is that ale finally kicking in?”  
“I’m fine, honestly,” I told them, though I still needed Kíli to balance properly. “I just need to sleep.”  
“We’ll get you home then,” Fíli said, patting my arm reassuringly.  
“Aye, I should probably get my brother home too. Dori’ll have a fit if he sees him like this.”  
“Was good to meet you lass,” Bofur grinned at me, dipping his hat once more. I waved goodbye as Kíli led me out of the tavern with a protective arm around my shoulders and Fíli and Dwalin followed close behind. I sighed in relief as the cool, night air hit my lungs and cleared my head slightly. “I can walk by myself now,” I said to Kíli. He removed his arm from my shoulder but still kept very close to me.  
“What did that dwarrowdam say to you?” Kíli asked softly. I didn’t answer him for a few moments, keeping my eyes fixed on the ground.  
“That I don’t belong here,” I muttered eventually. I heard Kíli huff angrily next to me.  
“She shouldn’t have said that,” Fíli said, moving to walk beside me.  
“It’s true isn’t it?” I said flatly. “I’m not a dwarf; that’s fairly obvious to anyone with working eyes. I don’t have any family, that I remember, nor any home or any purpose. I don’t belong anywhere.”  
“The fact that you feel that way just makes it worse,” said Fíli.  
“You shouldn’t feel that way!” Kíli protested. “You have a home here for as long as you want it. And we can be your family, if you want us to be. For all we know, you could belong here.” His insistent tone surprised me, as did his determined expression, and I couldn’t tell quite how much influence was coming from the ale.  
“Lass,” Dwalin’s gruff voice caught me off guard and I turned to look back at him. “Don’t let these thoughts get to you. You belong wherever you want to be.”  
The warmth behind his words was clear, despite his rough exterior. I couldn’t help but smile at him, causing him to cough loudly and stride further ahead of us, pointedly ignoring me now. We walked in silence towards the royal quarters, Dwalin leaving us at the foot of the stairs to go his own way home.  
“I’m sorry your night was ruined Vana,” Fíli said as we walked up the steps.  
“It wasn’t,” I assured him. “I enjoyed it.”  
“Are you sure?” Kíli asked, his hand briefly sliding against mine. I smiled at the familiar warmth of his skin and turned to him with a smile.  
“Yes, I had fun. Thank you so much.” Kíli returned my smile, his brown eyes glowing almost gold in the torch light. I felt his hand touch mine again before Fíli’s loud cough caught our attention.  
“It was my idea too you know,” he smirked, nudging my arm.  
“Thank you, Fíli,” I cooed and batted my eyelashes at him, making him chuckle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the next chapter. Spoiler: Shit goes down.


	7. The Feast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another time-hop: six months after Vana's arrival.  
> There have been many mixed feelings among the other dwarves, not just those in Ered Luin, about having a daughter of man living among them, particularly among the royal family. Things escalate somewhat in this chapter and set in motion some great changes.  
> Also, invented character here: Fain is the younger brother of Dain Ironfoot, and a bit of an asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT NOTE: Sexual harrassment, offensive language, sexual assault.

_ Vana _

Six months. It had been six months since I had first been brought to Ered Luin. Six months of riding, walking and sitting in my room trying to force my own mind to unlock itself. I eventually confessed to Dis that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with skirts and dresses, particularly when it came to riding, and she ordered some trousers to be made for me. It was all very well that I felt more comfortable in trousers, but I had no idea _why_. That, along with many other little things, frustrated me to no end.  
And then there were the looks from some of the other dwarves, and the comments. As if I wasn’t perfectly aware that I was a stranger. I was a stranger to myself as well, in case they cared to notice.

_ Kíli _

Kíli knocked merrily on Vana’s door, adjusting the neck of his dark blue tunic. He wasn’t particularly fond of dressing up; whenever his mother had forced him into smart clothes as a child he never managed to keep them clean and was inevitably scolded. Fíli, somehow, had never had this problem.  
He smiled as soon as the door began to open but Vana only peered out shyly.  
“Are you ready?” Kíli asked her.  
“I feel silly. I don’t know if I should go tonight.”  
“Of course you should! It’s a party and parties are fun. There’s drink and dance and happiness. Those are good things.”  
“Yes, thank you, I know that.” Vana rolled her eyes and opened the door completely. It took Kíli a good few seconds to control his expression; she was wearing a deep green dress, held in at the waist with a gold belt. The colour made the copper hues of her hair stand out even more and he saw that the front part of her hair had been pinned back with a dark blue hair clasp, leaving the rest to flow down her back.  
“How do I look?”  
“Beautiful,” Kíli answered almost at once, relaxing into a grin as he held out his arm. “Let me escort you down, and try to relax. You won’t regret tonight.”  
Vana sighed and nodded, taking his arm and letting him lead her downstairs.

The dance tonight was being held in honour of the visiting ambassadors to Ered Luin from other Dwarven settlements. Once every few years the ambassadors all got together to discuss alliances and trade agreements and at the end of the visit there was always a grand farewell. Almost as soon as Kíli entered with Vana he noticed the curious stares sent their way, along with the disapproving ones. He ignored them and looked for his brother, hoping Vana hadn’t noticed.  
Fíli was the first to ask Vana to dance and Kíli tried not to be too annoyed by that, particularly when his brother managed to make her laugh for the first time that evening. He asked her to dance not long after and marvelled at how light on her feet she was. He was so used to dancing with dwarrowdams and in comparison, Vana was feather light on her tiny human feet. It warmed his heart to see her enjoy herself, and he wondered if she might sing for them a bit later. That might improve her standing with the more old-fashioned and stoic dwarves in the room.

“Kíli, why do those dwarves keep staring at me?”  
Kíli glanced over Vana’s shoulder before scowling slightly at the dwarves’ glares aimed at my back.  
“That’s Fáin, Dáin’s younger brother, and some of his council. I think the grey-haired one is the ambassador, Yarin.” He looked back to her, his smile returning. “Take no notice. They’re all old-fashioned and get uncomfortable around anyone who isn’t a dwarf.”  
“That I would understand, but they seem to really hate me.”  
“Don’t be silly,” Kíli chuckled, slipping an arm around her shoulders. “No one could hate you once they get to know you.”  
“I should hope not.” She seemed to shrug off the glares as best she could but out of the corner of his eye he could still see Fáin’s black eyes in their direction.  
“I’ll get us some wine,” he excused himself. He was getting quite irritated as he walked across to the table with their wine glasses. She was still very uncomfortable and he wanted to calm her nerves. He glared at the back of Fáin’s head, surrounded by four of his companions, as he approached the table. He poured the wine and as he set the jug down he couldn’t help but catch a few words of their conversation.  
“…such a disappointment.”  
“Aye, no place for a human here.”  
“’Specially a _female!_ ”  
_They’re talking about Vana!_  
He paused to listen, trying not to look at them.  
“Well you know what they say about female humans?” Fáin laughed loudly at his statement.  
“They have no hair anywhere! Even down there’s as smooth as a newborn’s arse!” Fáin laughed again.  
“That and they’re no good for anything except, you know,” Fáin made an obscene noise and out of the corner of his eye Kíli saw he was clutching the air around his groin and thrusting his hips. The other dwarves guffawed and clutched their bellies while Kíli clenched his fists I anger. Fáin ceased his lewd miming and joined in their laughter.  
“S’probably why they keep her around! I certainly wouldn’t mind having a go if Thorin and those nephews of his would let her off her leash –“  
The goblets fell to the floor with a loud clatter and the stone turned black with wine as Kíli stormed over to the group of Dwarves.  
Fáin had just enough time to turn to see Kíli’s approach before he was knocked backwards, blood pouring from his nose thanks to Kíli’s quick fist.  
The subsequent shouts from the groups of dwarves were a mixture of abuse aimed at Kíli and backing for Fáin, who stumbled back to his feet, fists clenched.  
“Who do you think you are dwarfling? Striking a lord of the Iron Hills as if you were in a common tavern?!”  
“Who are you to speak that way about a royal guest?” Kíli shot back, tensing for a counter-attack.  
Fáin released a loud mocking laugh. By this point more dwarves had gathered forming an audience.  
“‘ _Royal guest?’_ Is that what the exiled royals are calling their whores nowadays?”  
Kíli made to leap at Fáin only to be grabbed from behind by his brother.  
“Kíli! Stop this! You don’t want to do this!”  
“Yes I do!” Kíli struggled against his brother’s grip and addressed Fáin again. “Don’t you _dare_ call her that!”  
“What would you prefer, _Prince_?” Fáin deliberately emphasised the title. “Consort? Concubine? Bed-slave?”  
Kíli lunged forward again releasing a string of Khuzdul curses.  
“What is the meaning of this?!” A deep voice echoed across the hall. The dwarves that had gathered around for the expected brawl quickly parted to make way for Thorin. He strode in between his nephews and cousin and eyed both of them.  
“What’s going on here?”  
“He attacked me for no reason!” Fáin nodded smugly at Kíli. “Look at him, he’s like a rabid dog in a fighting ring!”  
“Kíli?” Thorin’s piercing eyes found his youngest nephew who was breathing heavily and still straining against his brothers grip around his waist.  
“He insulted Vana!”  
“Insulted?” Thorin raised an eyebrow.  
“Yes! He called her…” He glanced behind his uncle and saw her standing awkwardly at the back of the hall, arms were folded defensively across her chest. _Had she heard?_  
“Yes?” Thorin’s impatient grunt pulled Kíli’s focus back. Kíli blinked before whispering the word in Khuzdul.  
“I see.” Thorin turned to Fáin who had turned to silently scoff at the prince to his friends. “Fáin, is this true?”  
“I spoke only as I thought my King.” Fáin shrugged. “It was only meant to be a joke. I’m sorry if I caused any offence.” He directed his last statement towards Vana who only looked at the floor.  
“Let’s move on from this, shall we?” Thorin turned back to his nephews. “Fíli, make sure this mess is cleaned up. Kíli, come with me.”  
“Uncle –“  
“NOW, Kíli!” His icy blue eyes seemed to burn Kíli’s face bright red. Having been released from his brother’s arms, with a final huff, the prince followed his uncle out of the hall, pausing only to look to Vana. She met his gaze for a moment before going to help Fíli.

_ Vana _

The soiled table sheets left in the cellars to soak, I decided to simply slip away to bed. The embarrassment had been bad enough but I just hated having gotten Kíli into trouble. He had seemed so angry as he left with Thorin, no doubt to be shouted at and lectured about manners and princely duties.  
I decided to climb the six flights of stairs from the kitchens rather than go through the main halls; the fewer people I passed the better. As I opened the door into the corridors at the top of the stairs I found myself face to face with a black-haired dwarf. He was a head shorter than I, very stout and regarded me with a cold stare.  
“Pardon me sir,” I bowed my head slightly and made to move past him – he remained where he was.  
“I was just heading to my chambers, please excuse me.” I went to move past him again – and again I was blocked.  
“It’s not right is it?” The dwarf growled. I couldn’t help but blink stupidly.  
“Excuse me?”  
“A human girl, sleeping in the vicinity of the noble families? In the Iron Hills it would never be allowed.” He stepped closer to me, backing me up against the stone banisters.  
“You would be made to sleep in the basements with the other servants, or better yet the stables with the dogs and the ponies, _where you belong!”_ He hissed at me.  
I swallowed hard, fear knotting in my stomach.  
_Run. Run now._  
“I’m afraid I must be going.” Before I could edge past him his hand locked roughly around my wrist.  
“What kind of tricks do you have, lass?”  
“What?” I gasped. _Run away! You fool!_  
The dwarf smiled eerily, showing his greying teeth. “You must have some pretty dirty secrets between the sheets to keep those princes happy.”  
“Let me go!” Almost without thinking, my fist suddenly balled into the dwarf’s chest, shoving him aside and I took off down the corridor.  
_Just need to get to my room. Lock the door._  
Another rough set of hands locked around my waist and a hand clamped over my mouth as I cried out. I stared fearfully into the cold eyes of my two captors before the first dwarf entered my line of vision, massaging his chest.  
“You need to know your place human.” He spat. My cheek stung slightly where his spittle collided with my skin and I couldn’t stop tears from spilling down them.  
“Take her in there!” The dwarf pointed at the room behind him. I violently shook my head free and screamed.  
“KÍLI! HEL-” My screams were muffled by the same leather glove and I continued to shout against it as the two other dwarves dragged me into the chamber. I struggled as fiercely as I could, kicking, punching, convulsing, biting at the leather glove over my mouth. All the first dwarf could do was laugh.  
“Your Prince isn’t here to save you now is he?” He goaded. I screamed again as I was pinned onto a bed, my eyes darting around the room.  
_Thorin’s room! They’re going to rape me on Thorin’s own bed. They’re going to rape me…_  
I struggled harder as the first dwarf bolted the door. The dwarf who had gripped my waist was now pinning my legs down, while the other kept his hand over my mouth, keeping his other hand on my forehead. I tried to shake my head pleadingly as the first dwarf advanced, removing his coat.  
“Right, I’ll get her started off. Once she’s good and wet, you two can finish her off.”  
I shook my head harder, my cries muffled against the glove.  
“Let’s hear what you have to say then,” the dwarf removed his hand.  
“Please don’t do this. I’m not what you think I am!” I breathed, tears pouring down my face.  
“Oh yes you are,” the first dwarf leaned down to pull off his boots. “You’re a human whore who’s fucked her way into the royal bedchambers and thinks this somehow makes her a cut above the rest of us.”  
“No!” I whispered. “I haven’t…I’ve never… Please?”  
“A virgin?!” The dwarf pinning my legs began to lift my skirts. “Well we’ll soon prove that wrong!”  
I kept my eyes on the first dwarf who was now undoing his belt.  
“Please don’t do this. You don’t want to do this.”  
The first dwarf only smirked as he unlaced his breeches. “No I really think I do.”

_ Kíli _

Kíli stalked up the stairs from the main halls, furious with himself and with Thorin. He refused to apologise to Fáin; that old bastard had no right to say those things about Vana. He had deserved that punch in the face and everything else Kíli was going to do to him. Thorin should have dragged Fáin to his meeting hall, not him. Kíli had only been defending his friend! Was that a crime now -  
“ _Kíli!”_  
A distant cry made him stop in his tracks. Had he heard that correctly? It sounded like…  
“Vana.” Her name barely made it past his lips before he broke into a run.  
“Kíli!”  
He whipped around and saw Fíli at the bottom of the steps. “Where are you running off to?”  
“Vana!”  
The look on his brother’s face told Fíli everything else he needed to know and without another moment’s delay he sprinted up the stairs after him.

_ Vana _

I screamed as my body was slammed into the stone wall. A dwarf’s hands locked around my throat and I blindly reached out and dug my nails into his skin. With a grunt, the dwarf shook and tried to lean out of my grasp, tightening his hold on my throat.  
“Easy Yorik!” The dwarf who had pinned my legs – and now had a swollen and bloody nose from where my foot had sharply connected with it – started pulling at his accomplice’s arms. “Brenin wants her conscious!”  
Yorik grimaced as he lessened his hold on my throat slightly, while the third dwarf tried to pry my hands away from Yorik’s face, now littered with scratches, while Brenin raised himself to his feet, doubled over from my foot’s assault on his groin. He growled and stormed to where I was pinned, his fists clenched.  
“Right.” He grunted and sank his fist deep into my stomach. I groaned, doubled over with the force of it and aimed another kick between his legs.  
“On the bed! Now!”  
Yorik grabbed my shoulders and threw me on the bed with a yell. Brenin immediately climbed on top of me, pinning me with his thick legs and grabbing a handful of my hair to force my head back, causing me to cry out.  
“You were holding out on us.” He gripped me harder, causing me to whimper.  
_Please let this end. Let this be over soon._  
“You thought you could outsmart us?”  
_Kíli, help me, please._  
“ Well I’ve got news for you, you little cunt!” He shoved his remaining hand under my dress, gripping my underclothes.  
_Kíli, please. Kíli, save me._  
“You’re OURS now!” He shouted in my ear.  
In a fit of desperation I let out another bloodcurdling scream.  
“VANA!”  
The room echoed with the sound of that beautiful voice, followed by pounding on the doors.  
Yorik and his fellow rapist backed up against the wall.  
“Brenin…?”  
“They can’t get in, the door’s barred.” He grinned manically as his hands forced my legs apart. The pounding grew harder as more fists were added to it.  
Ignoring the blinding pain as my hair was pulled from its roots, I darted my head up and sunk my teeth into Brenin’s ear.  
It was his turn to let out a bloodcurdling scream. I fought the urge to vomit as the thick blood slid into my mouth. As his scream ended he wrenched himself from me and I felt the flesh tear between my teeth.  
“YOU BITCH!”  
The back of his hand struck me across the face, knocking the fleshy trophy from my mouth and spraying blood all over Thorin’s sheets.  
Just as my vision blacked out, I heard a resounding crash as one of Thorin’s great wooden doors was forced from its hinges and collided hard with stone floor.


	8. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trauma's a strange and horrible thing. Many victims of sexual assault don't remember exactly what happened and yet they're very very aware of what has happened to them. It's a terrifying thing.  
> These chapters were very difficult for me to write for personal reasons, but I think I did them enough justice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT NOTE: Sexual assault, attempted rape, emotional and physical trauma.

_ Kíli _

The first thing Kíli saw was two dwarves huddled against the stone wall. As soon as they spotted the prince, with his axe in his hand covered in splinters from the shattered door, they raised their hands in surrender. A third dwarf was crouching on the bed, blood pouring from the side of his head as he regarded the prince with a sneer. Underneath him, Vana lay unconscious on the bed. Kíli could feel his blood sear with rage as he stormed towards the dwarf, his axe raised. The dwarf drew a knife from his belt and made to lunge at the prince but Kíli was pulsing with adrenaline. The butt of his axe connected with the dwarf’s forehead before he could even raise his knife and he slumped to the floor. Before he could bring the blade of the axe into the dwarf’s neck, however, his older brother’s hands locked around his chest.  
“Kíli, stop!”  
“Fíli, he’s -!”  
“I know, I know!” Fíli gripped him harder and pulled him back, moving in front of him. He locked one hand around Kíli’s axe, keeping the other firmly against his chest.  
“Let us deal with it. You need to worry about Vana now. She needs you.”  
Kíli’s expression softened as he looked at Vana’s unconscious form over his brother’s shoulder. With a curt nod he relinquished his hold on the axe and with a final kick into the collapsed dwarf’s ribs, made his way around to the side of the bed.  
Meanwhile, Fíli pointed the axe at the unconscious dwarf, addressing the other two attackers. “Get him up and against the wall. NOW!” He ordered. They hastened to obey.  
“What’s going on?” Thorin’s demand sounded from behind him as he entered his chambers, his sword drawn. He was flanked by Balin and Dwalin, similarly armed. Dwalin let out a growl as he saw Vana and he brandished his axes at the three prisoners.  
Fíli strode over to his uncle, pressing the axe into his free hand.  
“These bastards just tried to rape Vana.”

_ Vana _

The first thing I saw was red; lots of red on the sheets, the floor and the walls. Then I caught sight of the half of Brenin’s ear I’d bitten off lying on the stone beneath the wall. The vile taste of blood was still in my mouth and I slowly raised a hand to wipe away the amount that had leaked onto my face.  
“Vana?” A pair of feet appeared in my line of vision and I flinched as a hand touched my shoulder.  
“Vana, it’s me.” Kíli crouched down next to me, his face close to mine. “It’s alright, you’re alright.” He went to touch my shoulder again and this time I let him.  
“You would rape an innocent girl in the chambers of your host?” Thorin’s voice sounded from the foot of the bed. I looked down and saw him standing with an axe in one hand and a sword in the other, staring down the three dwarves huddled against the wall. Brenin was unconscious and being held up by his two accomplices. Next to him stood Fíli, his short swords clutched tightly in his hands, his eyes dark as he glared at the three attackers. Behind them, one of the great wooden doors was in splinters.  
“Speak!” Thorin’s shout echoed off the walls, making the dwarves cower.  
“We did not know these were your chambers my lord!” One of them squeaked pathetically.  
“What does that matter?” Fíli almost shouted. “Do you confess that you attempted to rape this girl? Our royal guest?”  
The breath caught in my throat.  
_Rape. I was almost raped._ I turned to look at Kíli, who was watching me intently. I gasped as the tears started pouring down my face.  
“Vana, ssh, it’s alright. You’re safe now.” Kíli attempted to stroke the tears from my face with his fingers but they were just replaced with more.  
“Kíli, get her out of here.” Thorin ordered quietly.  
Without a second thought, Kíli placed one arm under my legs and I sat up slightly so he could place the other around my back and he scooped me into his arms almost effortlessly. I squeezed my eyes shut, clutching at his shirt so I wouldn’t have to see anymore.  
“Open the door.” I heard Kíli order.  
“What happened?” a woman’s voice asked. _Dis_ , I realised.  
“I’ll explain later.” Kíli replied. “Just open the door, quickly.”  
I heard the oak doors open and found myself in my own chambers. Kíli made to carry me to the bed and I choked out a sob as a blind panic attacked my thoughts.  
“No! Not the bed! You can’t make me! No!”  
“Vana,” Kíli held me tighter. “It’s me. I’m not going to hurt you.”  
“NO!” I screamed, making him stop, almost dropping me in alarm. “Kíli, please?” I sobbed.  
“Alright, here,” He moved towards the fireplace, which had already been lit by the maids, and settled into the deep green armchair, resting me on his lap. Once he was settled he kept his arm around my waist, moving the one that was holding my legs to my hair, cradling my head against his neck.  
“You’re safe here,” he whispered in my ear. “No one will harm you. Not with me here.”  
“Don’t… don’t leave me,” I sobbed, my tears soaking his shirt.  
“I’m not going anywhere,” He pressed his lips against my forehead. “I’m right here. I’ll keep you safe. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I’m right here.”  
“Kíli,” Dis’ voice was low and stern. “Tell me what happened right now.”  
“Now right now mother, please.” Kíli said, stroking his hand softly up and down my arm as he tried to calm my sobs.  
“Kíli.” Her tone hardened even more. She wasn’t going to let this go. I felt Kíli’s chest rise and fall as he sighed.  
“There was…an incident.”  
I screwed my eyes tightly shut and tried to block out his words. Dis knowing would only make it seem real; my shame would be known throughout the entire kingdom tomorrow.  
“What kind of incident?”

_ Kíli _

He glanced down at Vana, hunched over against his chest with tears pouring out of her, her breath coming in short shuddering gasps.  
“Just…talk to Thorin. He’s in his chambers, he’ll tell you everything.”  
“I shouldn’t leave you alone with her…”  
“Âmad, please!” He snapped suddenly. Vana winced at his change in tone and Kíli forced himself to relax. “She needs me,” he said softly, turning back to her.  
Dis huffed slightly as she regarded the girl. It was obvious something truly terrible had happened and neither were going anywhere for a while. With a final concerned glance she turned and headed to find her brother, closing the door as softly she could behind her.  
Kíli had absolutely no idea what to do or say. He stared down at Vana, trying with all his might to come up with something; anything.  
“No one’s going to hurt you Vana. You’re safe here.” He grimaced at his weak repetition.  
“I’m…” she gasped, trying to control her breathing. “I’m sorry,” she finally choked out.  
“What?” Kíli reeled in surprise. He hadn’t expected her to say that. “Why are _you_ apologising?”  
“I got you into trouble…” her voice was barely a whisper.  
“No, you didn’t,” he tried to smile down at her. “I got _myself_ into trouble, as usual. Nothing that happened tonight was your fault.”  
“I tried to get away,” she screwed her eyes shut as she tensed again. “I tried to fight them –“  
“Ssh,” he tightened his arms around her, cradling her against his chest. “You were outnumbered three to one. You were so brave to fight back like you did. I saw those bastards’ faces and they’ll be carrying those scars for a good while. Don’t think about them anymore. You’ll never have to see them again.”  
She let out a whimper in response and he glanced down at her face, noticing the blood was still there.  
“Vana, let me get up for a moment?”  
She gripped his shirt harder. “Don’t leave me!”  
“I’m not. I promise you. I just want to get a basin of water for your face. I’ll come straight back, you have my word.”  
She remained tense for a few moments before slowly relinquishing her grip. He helped her stand first and once he was on his feet he guided her back to the chair. She curled up as tightly as possible, hugging her knees up to her chest. She looked smaller than he’d ever seen her and the sight made him both sad and angry. He kept his face straight until he turned away and walked towards the washroom next door to her bedroom. As he filled a small basin with warm water he allowed the rage burning in his veins to boil over for a few minutes, clenching his fists and gritting his teeth as he fought the urge to scream.  
_How could any dwarf do such a thing? Vana had done nothing! Nothing but exist! Nothing but be a daughter of Man!_ _Someone so delicate and kind did not deserve this._  
He made a silent decision to wait until she had fallen asleep, then find the bastards who did this and make them pay.  
With that in mind he forced his expression to soften and went back into Vana’s room with the basin. As he made his way back over to her he picked up a cloth on her nightstand and dropped it into the water. Kneeling down next to the fireplace, he placed the basin on the small end table next to the flames so the water would stay warm. Trying to keep a smile on his face, he turned to face Vana, who was still curled up in the same position as he’d left her.  
Tentatively, he reached a hand out touch hers.  
“How are you feeling?”  
She didn’t answer. He moved a little closer and tried to catch her eye.  
“Vana? Please talk to me?”  
She murmured something that he couldn’t catch.  
“What’s that?”  
“My head hurts.” She said softly.  
“Let me have a look?” He rose up on his knees as she leaned forward slightly. He reached out slightly before pausing and whispering “May I?” She nodded and he lightly touched his fingers to the back of her head. She winced slightly and he pulled his hand back reflexively, opening his mouth to apologise. Then he caught sight of his fingertips, dyed a dark red. He let out a gasp in spite of himself.  
“Did you hit your head?” He asked softly, twisting his head to try and get better look. The dim firelight wasn’t helping him to see very much, but he could feel her hair matted with drying blood.  
“They pushed me against the wall,” Vana said flatly. “I think I hit my head then.”  
Kíli took a deep breath as he tried to keep himself calm. “Óin should take a look.”  
Vana only nodded, keeping her eyes fixed on her knees.  
“Can I get you anything? Something to eat or drink?” Kíli could have kicked himself at how ineffectual he felt. He felt a pang of guilt when Vana’s eyes widened in terror and she shook her head.  
“No, please just stay with me. Don’t leave me alone, please!” Her voice cracked as she pleaded with him and Kíli placed his hands on top of hers.  
“I won’t, I’m sorry,” he said softly, hearing his voice waver slightly as he fought to keep his emotions under control. “I’ll never leave you alone again. I’ll never let anything like this happen to you, I promise. I’m sorry.” He rested his head against her knees. “I’m so sorry Vana, please, please forgive me.” He choked, unable to hold his tears in any more. They came pouring down his face before he could stop them.  
“Kíli?”  
He looked up at her through heavily lidded eyes, unable to hold back his sobs. He felt so guilty. If he hadn’t attacked Fáin, if he’d stayed by her side as he’d promised, none of this would have happened.  
“Kíli, why are you crying?” Her eyes were wide; reflecting the soft orange glow of the firelight mixed with the intense forest green colour Kíli had grown so fond of.  
“I should have protected you.” Kíli’s words were shuddered and forced past his hoarse throat. “I should have been there sooner. I never should have left you, I never should have lost my temper -”  
“Ssh,” she whispered, placing her hand against his face. “It’s not your fault.”  
“Vana –“  
“No.” She shuffled forward off the chair until she was kneeling in front of him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “No, Kíli.”  
He could feel her bury her face in his neck and his arms locked around her as he breathed her in. She smelled faintly of blood and wine, but underneath he could smell her favourite rosewater scent. He felt his body respond to her scent, her touch and the feeling of her warm breath on his skin and he instantly felt disgusting.  
_She needs me to protect her, she’s in pain, and she’s scared. Stop thinking about her scent! And her hands! Just stop thinking.  
_ He closed his eyes, trying to control his thoughts, but he couldn’t stop himself feeling her breath on his neck, or her hands on the back of his neck.  
She held him until he stopped crying, then pulled away to look at him.  
“I should take this off,” she said softly, tugging at the material of her dress.  
“You what?” he asked. _Is she…?_ He banished those thoughts from his mind immediately.  
“I need to take this off,” she repeated and stood up. “Can you help me?”  
“Help?” Kíli felt like he might go into shock.  
“The ties at the back,” she gestured behind her and turned around. “I can’t reach them.”  
“I -” Kíli gaped at her, unsure what to do. Should he get up? Should he get his mother or a maid? _No, she asked me not to leave._ She looked back over her shoulder at him, blinking in confusion.  
“Yes, of course.” Kíli got to his feet and tried to will his hands to stay still as he untied the back of her dress. He caught sight of her bare skin and swallowed hard, stepping back and turning around as he undid the last tie.  
“Thank you,” she said softly and he heard the rustle of material as the dress fell to the ground. He heard the door of the wardrobe open and her putting clothes on and he fought to keep himself calm. His mind was so conflicted; first there was the anger at what had happened this evening, then the guilt he felt over not being able to prevent it and now these feelings of… _attraction?_  
“Kíli?”  
“Yes?”  
“Um…”  
Kíli turned to see her, dressed in plain trousers and a shirt. She was holding her shirt above her belly, exposing the skin to the firelight – and the dark bruise spreading across it.  
Kíli rushed forward, instinctively reaching out to touch her before pulling back.  
“I think…he hit me…” she whispered, and her hands began to shake.  
“Vana?” Kíli gently locked his hands around her wrists which were trembling furiously. He fought to keep himself calm, trying to block out the image of the guard plunging his fist into her stomach.  
“I – I tried to…” her breath came out in a strangled gasp. “I tried to get away, I fought –“  
“Vana, it’s alright. Vana look at me.” He gripped her upper arms and waited for her to look at him. When she eventually met his gaze her eyes were brimming with tears.  
“I tried –“she whispered.  
“I know you did,” Kíli pulled her into his arms – her whole body was shaking now. “I know. You’re not at fault. They’re the ones at fault. They’re the ones who should be suffering.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “I want to kill them. I want to kill them for what they’ve done.”  
“Would you?” She asked softly, her voice thick with tears. “Would you really?”  
“If they ever came near you again, I would kill them in a heartbeat.”  
He felt her start to relax, locking her arms around his waist. “Thank you,” she breathed.  
“I’d do anything for you, Vana,” Kíli said softly before he could stop himself. She hugged him tighter, nestling into him.  
Then the door opened and they sprang apart.


	9. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a filler chapter that will lead on to Vana's future as part of the dwarvish community and also as a survivor of trauma.  
> I have already written my Vana-versions of AUJ and currently working on DOS so I might start uploading AUJ soon. There's just a couple more elements of backstory that are sort of required before Vana's part in AUJ etc will make more sense.

_Vana_

Kíli leaped away from me as if I had burned him, turning to face the opening door and the faces of Dis and Óin. At the sight of the healer my hands started to shake at the thought of anyone else’s hands touching me, except for Kíli’s; Kíli’s touch meant safety and comfort.  
“Vana,” Dis’ voice was almost unnervingly level as she addressed me. “I’ve brought Óin to have a look at your injuries. It’s best to get them seen to sooner rather than later.”  
I couldn’t answer at first, only clench my hands into fists, trying to will them to stop shaking.  
“She has a nasty cut on the back of her head,” Kíli told him before turning to me. “You should let him look at that at least, in case you need stitches.”  
I took a deep breath and nodded before following Óin towards the fireplace and sitting on the fur rug in front of it.  
“Kíli,” Dis addressed her son in low voice. “You should go and find your uncle.”  
“Âmad, I -”  
“He asked for you to join him as soon as you could.”  
“I can’t just now.”  
“Kíli -”  
“No, please!” I winced as Óin gently prodded the broken skin on the back of my head. Stretching a hand towards Kíli, the words that followed were barely audible. “Don’t leave, please? Not yet.”  
Kíli looked first at my hand and then at me before nearly running to my side and taking a seat beside me, clasping my hand in his.  
“It’s alright, I’m staying right here,” he told me softly before turning to his mother. “I’ll find Uncle later. I’m needed here now.”  
Dis sighed slightly but nodded.  
“Well, lass,” said Óin from behind me. “You won’t need stitches. But it might hurt for a few days. You should get as much sleep as you can to avoid concussion. Is there anything else you want me to take a look at.”  
I thought of the bruise on my stomach and almost nodded – when the feelings of his hot, scrabbling hands on my skin came back. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head silently, squeezing Kíli’s hands when he lightly stroked them.  
“Alright,” Óin said kindly. “Well I have a herb with me, I can put it in a drink for you to help you sleep if you want?”  
_Sleep. Now wasn’t that a foreign concept…_  
I nodded my consent and Óin began to prepare the drink.  
“Maybe it’s time for you to find Thorin now, Kíli?” Dis said softly. “He’ll need to hear your side of the story.”  
“He can hear it tomorrow,” Kíli said gruffly, never taking his hand from mine until Óin handed me a small cup. The liquid was warm and smelled of fresh mint and I swallowed it all in a few gulps, anxious to escape this night. It wasn’t until the fatigue started to hit me that I began to panic.  
“Kíli!” I gasped. “My head feels -”  
“It’s the herb, lass,” Óin interrupted me. “It’s just the herb kicking in. Don’t fight it, just sleep it off and I promise you’ll feel much better.”  
His words didn’t comfort me as they should have – I was far too aware of the feeling that the control of my body was slipping away. I grasped Kíli’s hand hard.  
“Kíli…”  
“Vana,” He gently reached out to touch my face. “It’s alright, you just need to close your eyes. Do you want to go to bed?”  
“No!” I gasped. “No bed…”  
“Okay, that’s okay. Do you want to sleep here? By the fire?”  
I nodded as my eyelids grew heavy, fluttering shut for a moment before I forced them open. Kíli released my hand and quickly went to the bed, returning with a pillow and the throw from the foot of the bed. He set the pillow down and I lowered my head onto it, laying on the soft fur rug. He covered me with the throw before returning his hand to mine.  
“You’ll stay?” I whispered, as my eyelids shut for the final time. By the time Kíli responded, his voice was a distant echo.  
“I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.” Kíli He had to resist the urge to lie next to her. More than anything he wanted to make sure she felt safe, and somehow holding her hand wasn’t quite enough. But he could feel his mother’s stare boring into him and he was dreading the conversation that was sure to follow. Óin seemed to anticipate this too, as he couldn’t seem to get out of the room fast enough.  
“She should sleep right through to late tomorrow morning. Please tell her to come and see me if she is in any pain.”  
“Thank you, Mister Óin,” Dis said softly and opened the door for him as he made his way out.  
“Good night my lady, prince Kíli.” Almost as soon as the door was shut Dis was making her way towards Kíli.  
“Listen to me,” she whispered sternly. “Thorin, Fíli and Dwalin are, at this moment, interrogating her attackers. You need to be there to give your statement, tell them everything you know.”  
“I don’t know any more than Fíli,” he responded, trying to keep his anger at bay, though the chances of Vana waking up at this point were extremely low.  
“You were with Vana all night. I know you got into a fight with dwarves who were insulting her. Perhaps they had something to do with this.”  
“Those dwarves were Fáin and his ambassadors,” Kíli hissed. “They called her a whore, said that she was only here for Fíli and I. I punched him in the face and he told Uncle I started the whole thing. I had to go and spend the next twenty minutes in the throne room with Uncle being told off like a child while she was…” He shook his head, clenching his jaw until his teeth clacked together. “If, indeed, I had been with her all night, none of this would have happened.”  
“Kíli,” Dis’ voice softened and she laid a hand in her youngest son’s hair, stroking his head gently to calm him down. “Don’t blame yourself. You saved her tonight. If you hadn’t arrived when you did she could have suffered much worse.”  
Kíli wanted to respond but the entire night’s events were catching up to him and he was suddenly exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to curl up next to Vana on the rug and sleep himself.  
“Kee,” Dis wrapped her arms around him and he leaned into her embrace for a few moments. “Kee, you need to go to Thorin. Just go to him, tell him everything he needs to know and come right back.”  
“I need to stay -”  
“I’ll stay with her. She won’t be alone. Besides, she’s fast asleep. You’ll be back before she wakes.”  
With a deep sigh, Kíli finally pulled away. “Alright, I’ll go.”

At the direction of one of the guards, he found Thorin in the throne room, seated with Fíli, Balin and Dwalin at his side and Fáin facing him. When Kíli entered Fáin turned to face him and he resisted the urge to charge at the old dwarf and ram his fist into his face once again; though he did allow himself to note, with grim satisfaction, that Fáin’s nose was still slightly swollen and a bruise was forming under his right eye.  
“Kíli,” Thorin acknowledged him gruffly. “Good of you to join us.”  
“How’s Vana?” Fíli asked in a softer voice.  
“She’s very shaken,” Kíli said, never taking his eye from Fáin’s as he made his way across the room. “Terrified, in fact. She won’t go near the bed so I had to leave her sleeping on the rug by the fireplace.”  
“By herself?” Thorin asked.  
“No, Lady Dis is with her.” Kíli stood next to Fáin, still holding his dark stare. “Sending three guards to do your dirty work for you; a most impressive show of power my lord,” he seethed at the older dwarf, deliberately sneering his title at him through gritted teeth.  
“Kíli, that’s enough,” Thorin said impatiently, beckoning him over. Kíli threw one last look at Fáin before obliging.  
“As I already told your uncle,” Fáin grumbled irritably. “I don’t know anything about any attack. Except for the one you made against me, for which I have yet to hear any apology.”  
Only Fíli’s hand on Kíli’s chest stopped the young prince from repeating his offence again.  
“We have already discussed that matter and rest assured my nephew will atone for any offence made against you, my lord,” Thorin said flatly. “But we have a much more serious issue at hand here. A girl was almost raped by three guards tonight; guards wearing your sigil, I might add. And you have already been heard projecting you dislike of the girl in question, as well as making lewd comments and jokes at her expense. You can understand why we feel the need to question your innocence.”  
“If you want to charge me with something, _my king_ , then please arrest me and arrange a trial. Otherwise, what else am I meant to say? I won’t lie and say I don’t have a problem with a human girl present in the halls of my kin, but I did not order her to be harmed. As any honourable dwarf, I do not and will not ever condone rape, even on humans.”  
“‘Even on humans?’” Dwalin spat.  
“Yes, even on humans,” Fáin sneered. “The same humans who have never hesitated to use any woman of ours they can get their hands on.”  
“That’s your defence?” Kíli shouted, unable to believe what he was hearing. “Some humans have done it so it must be alright to do it to them?”  
“That’s not what I said at all, _prince_ ,” Fáin stated, rolling his eyes at Kíli who was currently wishing with all his might that he had a sword.  
“Vana is still innocent, no matter her race!”  
“She has no place here, especially amongst the line of Durin! But I had nothing to do with the attack on her tonight.”  
“And you are willing to swear to that?” Balin interrupted before Kíli could give a heated response. “You are willing to swear on your good name and the integrity of your house that you had nothing to do with it?”  
“I am.” Fáin regarded Thorin, who had been regarding him silently the whole time. “Would you like me to do it now, or tomorrow in front of the entire court?”  
Thorin only glowered at him a moment longer before sighing. “And what of your guards? They tell us nothing, except that the girl was with them willingly -”  
“They WHAT?” For the third time that night, only Fíli’s grip on him prevented Kíli from losing his temper entirely.  
“- and we all know that to be a lie.” “Do we?” Fáin raised an eyebrow. This time, not even Fíli could hold him back and Kíli was upon Fáin in an instant, grabbing him by the front of his robes and throwing him roughly to the ground.  
“You bastard! You didn’t see her! You have no idea what you’re talking about!”  
“Kíli! Calm yourself or leave!” Thorin was out of his chair, hauling him away and shoving him back towards his brother before turning back to Fáin.  
“You can rest assured that this was an assault, not a consensual affair. Those guards will pay with their life. All I want to know is if they were acting alone, or if I should expect another attack like this to occur?”  
“I can safely promise you, my king,” Fáin scoffed as he got back to his feet. “That if it does happen again, it won’t be on my orders.” Thorin stared unblinkingly at the dwarf-lord in front of him before dismissing him with a wave.  
“You can go now, but I will not forget this night, Fáin. And I will be writing to Lord Dáin tomorrow morning to inform him of this.”  
Fáin, affronted at being dismissed like a servant, merely bowed low before storming out of the room, letting the door slam heavily behind him.  
“You can’t be serious, Uncle,” Kíli practically growled. “You’re letting him go?”  
“There’s nothing to be done, Kíli. He's done nothing wrong by our laws. We can’t arrest him for being rude to a royal guest.”  
“But he -!”  
“Kíli! I will hear no more of this!” Thorin paused to take a breath before addressing the four dwarves in front of him. “We have three guards in the cells to deal with. Our laws dictate that they be executed, but I don’t want a spectacle made out of this.”  
“What difference does it make?” Fíli frowned at his uncle. “We don’t condone rape, in any case. Let the entire kingdom see their shame.”  
“The thing is, laddie,” Balin said calmly. “These dwarves were not our own, and the victim is not one of our dwarrowdams. There are many here in Ered Luin who do not appreciate the fact that a human woman is residing amongst their kin.”  
“All the more reason to make it public. Send a message that this crime is never acceptable regardless of race.”  
“That all sounds well and good,” Balin sighed. “But it may only ostracise her more; the idea that she attracts this kind of trouble.”  
“Vana’s had enough attention as it is,” Kíli said to his brother. “She doesn’t need this as well.”  
“Did she say anything of this to you?” Thorin looked at his youngest nephew for the first time with genuine worry in his eyes. Kíli thought of Vana’s words and found them catching in his throat as he tried to repeat them.  
“She…she said she was sorry. She kept apologising for…getting me into trouble.” The words made his throat fill with bile. “She kept promising that she tried to get away and tried to fight as – as if – as if I would blame her for it…”  
The entire room was silent, save for Dwalin’s suppressed growls and his declaration of one simple word:  
“Bastards…”  
“You’re right, Balin,” Thorin said softly. “We can’t draw so much attention to this, at least not without Vana’s consent. We’ll carry out the sentence tonight. Balin, Kíli, you’ll bear witness to this. Dwalin, Fíli and I will carry out the sentence ourselves.”

Some time later Kíli made his way back up to Vana’s room. He opened the door softly to find his mother curled in the chair, wrapped in one of the blankets from Vana’s bed and Vana fast asleep on the rug, curled in a ball facing the dying embers of the fire. He crept over and stoked it back to life, gently placing a couple of logs on top of the small ash pile. His actions caused his mother to stir and as he stood up again he heard her whisper behind him.  
“Did I fall asleep? What time is it?”  
“Not yet dawn Âmad,” Kíli said softly. “Do you want to go to bed? I can stay with her.”  
“No, no, I’m fine where I am. And I can’t leave you two alone overnight. It’s not appropriate.”  
“Âmad, you know I would never -”  
“I know, but there’ll be enough gossip about this tomorrow. No need to add salt to the wound.”  
Kíli glanced down at his sleeping friend, gently adjusting the throw to cover her shoulders and feet. “Do you think she’ll be alright?” He whispered almost inaudibly. Dis only sighed.  
“We’ll have to wait and see.”  
“‘Everything will look better in the morning.’ That’s what you always say.” Kíli looked up at his mother hopefully but she only shook her head.  
“That’s up to Vana now.” She wrapped the blanket tighter around her shoulders. “Get some sleep, son. We’re all going to need our strength tomorrow.”  
Kíli borrowed one of the remaining pillows off the bed and set it on the rug next to Vana, keeping such a respectable distance from her that he was almost on the stone floor. By the time he finally fell asleep, the sun was just beginning to creep in through the windows.

_Vana_

I could see the sun streaming in through the windows even through my closed eyes. The effects of the herb left a sort of fog clouding my head and it took an extreme amount of effort just to open my eyes. The sight that greeted me was the slightly smouldering embers of last night’s fire, and for a moment I wondered why I was sleeping on the rug. Then it all came back in a flood, piercing the fog and setting my senses on full alert, despite the heaviness still present throughout the rest of my body. I managed to turn onto my back and immediately calmed as I saw Kíli lying next to me on the ground, almost instinctively reaching for him. He stirred slightly as I touched his arm and I drew my hand back, wrapping myself up in the blanket.  
“Vana?” His voice was hoarse, still half-asleep, but he forced his eyes open when he saw I was awake. “How are you feeling?”  
“The…the guards?” My voice was barely a whisper.  
“Dead,” Kíli answered immediately. “They’ll never harm you or anyone else again.”  
I only nodded. “Kíli?”  
“Yes?”  
“Will you teach me how to fight?”


	10. Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vana convinces Kíli to teach her how to fight.  
> CONTENT NOTE: massive self-doubt and self-esteem issues at the beginning in the form of an emotional breakdown of sorts.

_ Vana _

I wasn’t sure I even recognised the girl in the mirror looking back at me. She stared at me through dark, green eyes and her skin was pale except for the yellowing bruise under her right eye. Her copper hair had lost its shine and the red hues that weaved their way through the strands of hair on top no longer danced in the sun even as it forced its way through the first of the winter mists that had crept over the mountain in the last few days. Her hands moved automatically to fix her hair into a braid, the way Lady Dis had shown her so many months ago, and fixed it securely with the blue ribbon Kíli had bought her that first day in the market.

It had been four days now since the feast, three since the visiting dwarves had packed up and gone. Below the window the mountain bustled with its usual activity, as if nothing had changed – except everything had changed. I hadn’t been out of my room in three days; the idea of an excursion out of the royal quarters was no longer exciting, but terrifying. The maids no longer came in to make the bed because I didn’t use it. My pillow stayed in its new position on the fur rug by the fireplace, and I never slept without the fire crackling softly in front of me. The soft orange glow on the stone was comforting and the crackle of the flames was like a lullaby. Óin’s herbs were my new nightcap, a small handful crushed into warm water to stop me from dreaming.

The girl in the mirror stood rigid as a statue, her face set in a determinedly relaxed expression. _Who was she fooling?_ The soft knock at the door startled her and the swift look of fear passing through her eyes was enough to make me flip the mirror face down onto the desk. I stood to edge the door open slightly and sighed a little in relief when I saw it was Kíli.  
“Morning,” I forced my voice to work normally.  
“Morning,” Kíli smiled softly and I stepped aside to let him in. He stood against the open door while I laced my leather boots on over my trousers.  
“Are you sure you want to do this?”  
I sighed audibly this time, for a very different reason.  
“As sure as I was last night,” I muttered. “And yesterday morning, and the day before that, and the day before that.”  
“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to understand -”  
“Me too.” I winced as I pulled the lace a little too tightly. “I’m trying to understand why it’s impossible to remember anything that happened before six months ago. I’m trying to understand why I can’t do anything in this place without offending someone and I’m trying to understand why I’m able to ride a pony and sing but unable to defend myself. You’d think humans would teach their daughters that, given that everyone else seems to think all we’re good for is a cheap fuck -”  
“Vana -”  
“But then, how would I know anything about my own kind? Clearly they don’t even care about me seeing as no one’s even bothered to come looking in the six months I’ve been here. Maybe in my last life that’s all I was, a piece of flesh on sale for the pleasure of men -”  
“Vana!”  
I stiffened at the sudden sharpness in Kíli’s voice, but when I looked up he didn’t look even the least bit angry. The glistening warmth in his brown eyes was enough to make me breathe a little more easily. He allowed the door to close gently as he stepped towards me.  
“You didn’t deserve what happened to you.”  
_I’m so sick of those words_. “And yet it still happened.”  
“I know, and I’m so sorry -”  
“What for? You didn’t try to rape me.”  
“Vana -”  
“You’ve been nothing but welcoming to me, you and your family, and I’ve brought nothing but trouble.”  
“You haven’t -”  
“Do you know what they asked me that night? They asked what dirty tricks I used to keep you and your brother entertained. I wonder if they meant together or separately -”  
“Vana, stop this -”  
“MY NAME IS NOT VANA!”  
The sudden surge in volume made Kíli leap back as if I’d burned him.  
“YOU MADE IT UP! YOU NEEDED SOMETHING TO CALL ME WHILE YOU WAITED FOR ME TO REMEMBER MY OWN NAME AND GO HOME! YOU NEVER THOUGHT I’D STICK AROUND THIS LONG! NONE OF YOU DID! MAYBE I DON’T REMEMBER MY NAME BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ONE! DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!”  
“Of course not!” he cried. “You do have a name. And you have a home here.”  
“NO I DON’T!” I wanted to scream at him, throw things, hit him, _something_ to make him understand. “This is YOUR home! YOUR family! YOU have a mother and a brother, and a fucking TITLE! You hunt and you fight and you study and you drink with your friends! You’re SOMEONE here. I’m still the fucking MYSTERY GIRL that everyone whispers about, sneers at and takes bets on how long I’m going to stick around!”  
“That’s not true!”  
“Oh really?” I snorted. “Then tell me, _Prince_ Kíli, who am I?”  
Deliberately ignoring the way I sneered his title, Kíli strode forward and before I could protest he had trapped me in a hard hug, holding me fast against him even as I tried to struggle.  
“You’re a girl who can out-drink Bofur, despite the fact you’re clearly not a dwarf. You can sing more beautifully than any bird and dance as gracefully as any elf-maid from the old songs. You make my family happy every time we see you; you make me and my brother laugh harder than we have when we were dwarflings. You’re a natural horse-woman; you can ride as naturally as you can walk and talk. None of these things are trivial or meaningless. They shape you who were and who you are now.”  
I gave up struggling long before he finished speaking, finding myself locking my arms around his neck and holding him as close to me as I could. His body was warm, his arms strong, and his voice was soft and comforting. His words were like a punch in the gut and a soothing touch at the same time and before I could stop them hot tears were soaking into the collar of his shirt. If he noticed he didn’t say anything, instead he stroked his hand softly up and down my back.  
“It doesn’t have to matter who you were. I don’t care who you were. Right now, you’re Vana, my friend, and you’re upset and scared and I want to help you. Tell me how I can help you and I’ll do it.”  
It took a few long moments for me to regain control of my breathing, swallow down any remaining tears and raise my head from Kíli’s shirt.  
“You can give me a minute to wash my face, and then you can take me down to the sparring grounds.”  
Kíli’s warm breath tickled the skin on my face and neck as he let out a deep sigh. “Your wish is my command.”  
“Careful, I might remember that.” My lips quirked up in a small smile. His chest rumbled as he laughed and released his hold on me and waited while I went into the washroom.

_ Kíli  _

“So where do we start?” Vana asked him as soon as they got to the sparring grounds.  
“Not here,” Kíli told her over his shoulder as he led her across the grounds. “The first rule of training is you don’t give the new boy a sword on his first day.”  
“Why not?”  
“Too many accidents. You need to learn self-control and discipline first.”  
“How long does that take?”  
“It depends on the student. It took me a lot longer than Fíli.” He looked back and winked at her, feeling a small sense of victory as her lips quirked up into a smile once again.  
“So what do I have to do?”  
“I thought you might like to learn how to shoot a bow?”  
“Really?”  
He turned around to see an excited smile spread across her face, to his delight.  
“Well it’s one thing I know I can definitely teach you, and it’s the one thing that finally taught me enough discipline to move on to swords.”  
Once they reached the targets, Kíli went to the racks to pick a bow for Vana. He picked the lightest bow he could find and handed it to her, showing her how to string it. It didn’t take nearly as long as he thought it would and when he handed her an arrow, to his surprise, she nocked it easily without error.  
“Strange,” he remarked. “Most people drop it the first time.”  
“Really?” She shrugged. “I must be a natural.”  
He grinned at her cocky attitude, something he’d sorely missed in the last few days. “Does it feel…familiar at all?”  
She regarded him for a few moments before her face fell and she shook her head.  
“Alright,” he quickly changed the subject. “So, just raise the bow and draw the arrow back a little, but don’t fire just yet.”  
Vana did as she was told and Kíli moved a little closer to adjust her hand position. When he was satisfied, he moved behind her and told her to fire whenever she was ready. She took a deep breath and drew her arm back.  
“Bring your hand up to the corner of your mouth.” He said softly. She obeyed and he waited patiently while she aimed. A few moments later, she released the string and the arrow hit the inner ring of the target.  
Kíli let out a soft whistle at the sight.  
“That’s…pretty good, for a beginner.” He grinned as she looked round at him.  
“It is?”  
“Yeah,” he breathed. “Incredibly good. Are you sure this isn’t something you may have done before?”  
“I don’t know. It could be, but it doesn’t feel like it.”  
“Then you must be a natural!” Kíli laughed and handed her another arrow. “We’ll see. Try again.”  
“Yes, your Highness,” she quipped, nocking the second arrow. She didn’t take as long to ready herself, readying the arrow and releasing almost immediately. This time the arrow hit the very top of the target.  
“Ah,” Kíli chuckled. “See what I mean about discipline.”  
“For all you know, that’s exactly where I was aiming for,” she threw him a mocking glare and grabbed another arrow.  
“If you say so, but we’re not leaving until you hit that bull’s-eye.”

_ Vana _

It took another week before Kíli let me hold a sword, and even then it was only a wooden sword. He set me an exercise wherein a sack of straw, about as tall as me, hung from a post over a line drawn on the ground. I had to try and bring the sack down with the wooden sword, without letting it swing over the line towards me and without stepping over the line myself. An hour in, I had barely made a dent in the stupid sack.  
“Remind me again why we’re doing this?”  
“You said you wanted to learn to fight!”  
“Yes, fight enemies! Orcs and goblins and such, not sacks of straw!”  
Kíli let out a small chuckle. “Well if you can’t defend a sack of straw you won’t last a minute against a goblin. Come on now, try again.”  
He leaned against the stone wall with his characteristic smirk that made me want to smile to myself whilst at the same time want to punch him. Instead, I raised the ridiculous wooden sword and tried to remember the motions. I swung the sword at the sack again, knocking it to one side, and then spun to keep it from swinging back. I kept up for another ten hits before a misstep caused me to miss it and the sack swung over the line.  
“Damn it!” I threw my head back and huffed in annoyance.  
“Well that’s a personal best.”  
I glared around at Kíli’s grinning face.  
“It’s only been a few days,” he reminded me. “It took me over a week to bring down that sack. It would help if you only used one hand. The other would help you balance.”  
“This thing is heavy!” I frowned. “I can barely lift it with both.”  
“Well, as you practice more you’ll get stronger.” Kíli got to his feet and walked towards me. “You’re not weak, you just need a little more muscle in those arms. I mean look -!” He wrapped his hand gently my forearm, raising it up so I could see his fingers meeting. “ -There’s nothing of you!”  
“I’m still faster than you though!” I dropped the sword and in the same instant prodded him in the ribs. He cried in surprise, gripping my arm and forcing it from his side. I laughed and prodded him again with my other hand.  
“Woman, don’t you know this is treason!” he yelped, his hands like irons around my wrists. “Assaulting a prince of Durin’s folk? I could have you executed!”  
“So you can fight orcs and goblins but not a skinny unarmed woman?” I giggled, twisting my foot around his lower leg and pushing him backwards.  
He landed with a heavy thud and groaned as I towered above him in triumph .  
“Some prince,” I grinned, only for him to take his chance to launch upwards, wrap his arms around my waist and tackle me to the ground. Before I could even voice my surprise his hands were everywhere – tickling my sides and my stomach.  
“Kíli! Stop it!”  
“Take back what you said and I’ll consider it,” Kíli half-growled, but was laughing delightedly as I shrieked and squirmed away from him.  
“This is not princely behaviour!” I protested as he moved his scrabbling fingers to my neck. I shrieked loudly when he found a particularly sensitive spot, my limbs flying out instinctively. I froze as my fist connected with something hard and with a loud grunt and the tickling came to a sudden stop.  
My eyes flew open to find Kíli lying on the ground, his hand cupping his jaw as he grimaced in pain.  
“Oh, Mahal!” I sat up and inexpertly reached over, a little afraid to touch him. My hand hovered awkwardly above his shoulder.”  
“Kíli, I’m so sorry! Are you alright?” I winced a little as he let out another groan, sitting up and rubbing his jaw. His eyes opened and he immediately forced a smile onto his face.  
“I’m fine, I’m fine!” he insisted, though the effort of smiling was bringing tears to eyes. “You didn’t break anything. I just wasn’t expecting it is all.” He grinned and winced a little bit at his face stretching.  
“I’m so sorry!” I brought both hands to my face, trying to hide my flushing cheeks. “I don’t know why I did that! I didn’t mean to, I swear.”  
“No worries,” Kíli insisted, waving dismissively. “It doesn’t even hurt, I promise.”  
“Kíli, your lip is bleeding.”  
“What?” Kíli’s tongue darted out to lick his lower lip. “Oh right, I must have bitten it a little.”  
“Sorry!”  
“Will you stop apologising?” he laughed and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “I’m fine, I’ve had worse!”  
“You sure?”  
“Yes!” Kíli insisted, squeezing my shoulder. “I guess we don’t have to worry so much about your hand to hand combat.”  
I chuckled, finally lowering my hands from my face. “I just punched a dwarven prince in the face.”  
“I told you you weren’t weak,” Kíli grinned. “This is going to be a real sight in the morning.”  
I made an embarrassed noise and buried my face in my hands.  
“Kíli?” We both looked up at the sound of Fíli’s voice. He stood across the grounds from us, folding his arms across his chest as a slow smirk formed over his face. “Am I interrupting something?”  
“Treason, brother,” Kíli laughed. “You almost witnessed treason!”


	11. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vana's trying to move on from the attack, but she can't seem to escape it despite her efforts. Prepare yourselves for some more good-guy-Thorin.  
> Also, I've decided to go with Nalí as Fíli and Kíli's father's name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT NOTE: Flashbacks to sexual assault, self-esteem and self-doubt issues and a dash of agoraphobia.

_ Kíli _

“So you finally convinced my brother to let you fight?” Fíli asked as he pulled Vana to her feet.  
“Yes, though I never realised how much you dwarves fear bags of straw.”  
Kíli chuckled as his brother extended a hand to pull him up as well. “She’s not impressed with my training exercises.”  
“Ah, the sacks of straw,” Fíli gazed up at the sky in mock nostalgia. “We’ve all been there, Vana.”  
“Well, could you at least lift your toy sword?”  
“Practise weapon!” Kíli corrected her.  
“You can’t lift it?”  
“Only with both hands. It’s too heavy.”  
“Well, Bofur can fix you a new one, I’m sure.”  
At the mention of Bofur’s name, Kíli saw Vana’s smile fade.  
“Oh, there’s no need to bother him…” she said in a small voice.  
“Nonsense, he’d be happy to do it. We can go down to the markets tomorrow.”  
“I don’t -”  
“Or we can go,” Kíli indicated his brother and himself. “You don’t have to come. The size is right, we just need something a little lighter.”  
After a moment of puzzlement Fíli nodded in agreement and Vana visibly relaxed.  
“If you don’t mind?”  
“Of course not,” Fíli smiled. “We need to go anyway. Kíli needs a new winter coat.”  
“I don’t need a new coat!” Kíli glared at his older brother. He’d heard enough of this from his mother. “I have a perfectly good one upstairs.”  
“Kee, it's all holes and thread! I wouldn’t give that thing to a beggar on the street,” Fíli rolled his eyes at Vana who only shook her head fondly at them.  
“You’re just taking Âmad’s side so she’ll let you go hunting next time you have to study with Thorin.”  
“I am not!” It was Fíli’s turn to look offended. “You should listen to our mother more Kee, you know she’s always right.”  
“She’s not _always_ right.”  
“Name one thing she’s been wrong about.”  
Kíli racked his brains for a solid minute before sighing and conceding defeat but before he could make a snappy retort, a soft musical sound reached his ears and he turned to see Vana laughing at the two of them.  
“Honestly, Kíli,” she shook her head fondly as she picked up the wooden sword from the ground. “Just get the coat and enjoy it.” With that she made her way back to the weapon racks to put the sword back.  
“She seems happier,” Fíli remarked quietly to his younger brother.  
“I think the training is doing her a world of good. That’s the second time she’s laughed today.”  
“That’s good!” Fíli grinned. “How did it go today?”  
“Not too badly. She’s not without skill, it’s just her upper body strength that needs work. I’m hoping the new sword will help with that. Having said that, she managed to tackle me to the ground earlier.” Kíli felt the heat rising to his neck as he continued. “I may have tickled her…”  
Fíli stared at his brother for a moment before blinking. “You _may have_?”  
“And she may have punched me in the face.”  
At this Fíli guffawed loudly, throwing his head back in laughter. The noise caught Vana’s attention as she made her way back to them.  
“Is that why you keep massaging your jaw?”  
“I’m not!” Kíli yelped and removed his hand from his jaw. “What are you even doing here anyway?”  
“I came looking for you two,” Fíli addressed them both. “I want to go riding before the snows come. Would you two join me tomorrow?”  
“I will, but only if you come too,” Kíli looked at Vana who had a slightly pained expression on her face.  
“I don’t know…”  
“Come on, it’ll be fun. You’ll get out of the mountain, it’ll just be the three of us, we can bring bows and practice some archery…” He smiled widely at her, silently imploring her to agree. She frowned at him slightly before sighing.  
“Alright, I’ll come,” she nodded with a small smile and Kíli cheered and smacked his brother on the arm.  
“Thank you for that,” Fíli groaned and rubbed his arm. “Can we go back now, I’m starving.”

_ Vana _

_Kíli is coming. Kíli will save me.  
The guards’ hands are strong and hard, pinning me relentlessly. Their breath is hot and heavy on my skin.  
Kíli will save me. He’ll be here any second.  
“Vana!” His furious roar echoes through the room as the dark-haired prince bursts through the doors, sword and shield in hand.  
“Vana, wake up!”  
“Kíli, help me! Please!”  
“I can’t. You need to wake up!”  
_ “Kíli!”  
I was shaking horribly, tangled in a mess of sheets and drenched I a cold sweat. My chest tightened in a panic and my lungs just wouldn’t work.  
_Where are they? They’re going to kill me!_  
The soft knock at my door made me let out a squeak of fear.  
“Vana?” Kíli called softly. I tried to answer but my voice was barely audible. “Vana, are you alright?”  
Once again, no sound would escape my lips and I sat up as the door slowly opened and Kíli slipped inside. His eyes widened as he saw I was awake.  
“I’m sorry, I just…” His face flushed as he spoke. ”I heard you crying. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”  
I finally took a deep breath as the dream began to fade and nodded slowly.  
“It was just a dream,” I whispered more to myself than to him.  
“Would you like me to go?” he asked softly, his eyes never leaving mine.  
The panic returned in a flash, causing the breath to catch in my throat as I shook my head almost violently.  
“Will – will you stay with me?” I whimpered, feeling utterly pathetic as I said it. Kíli’s eyes filled with sadness before he nodded and closed the door behind him.  
“Of course I will,” he said softly as he approached the bed, reaching for the chair by the fireplace.  
“Wait,” I whispered. “Sit with me?”  
Kíli stared at me, trying to keep the surprise hidden before nodding again and sitting on the edge of the bed. He held his hand out to me and I took it, pulling him towards me. He hesitated a little before sitting awkwardly back against the headrest and setting his arm around my shoulders.  
I shamelessly cuddled against his side, resting my head on his chest. My ear found his heartbeat, focusing on the steady sound and I finally felt my body start to relax.  
“Thank you,” I whispered.  
“It’s alright,” he replied softly. “I get them too.”  
“You do?”  
“Yes. Sometimes I dream that my father is still alive and he’s in battle, fighting hordes of orcs. He’s all alone and he has no chance unless I help him. I try to get to him but my legs won’t move and I can only watch as he…”  
Kíli trailed off and I looked up to see tears shining in his eyes. I didn’t know what I could say; I didn’t know what it was like to lose parents. I didn’t even know what it was like to have parents.  
“How old were you when he died?”  
“Very young, still a baby. I don’t remember what he looked like. I only have an old picture of Âmad’s. I know he had Fíli’s golden hair, and she says he had the same eyes as me. In the dream he’s just a figure, I can never make out any details. Only the golden hair. I don’t know what his voice sounded like or anything.”  
“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling terrible that I couldn’t come up with anything better to say. There was a short pause before I felt Kíli’s arms lock around me.  
“Were you dreaming of them?” he whispered. My throat tightened in an attempt to stop the panic from rising back up again and I could only nod. His arms tightened around me.  
“You don’t have to be afraid of them anymore. I’m here. I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”  
I looked up at him again, watching his mahogany eyes sparkle in the dying firelight. He no longer looked sad, only peaceful and calm, and for the first time in weeks I felt completely safe.  
“Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?”  
He smiled at me and I returned it. “Until you fall asleep then.”  
When I next woke, his arms were still around me.

_ Thorin _

“Dis?”  
“Yes?”  
“Have you noticed anything different about your sons?” Thorin felt like an idiot as soon as he said it. But he couldn’t seem to get the image from this morning out of his head. He had been on his way to his meeting with Dwalin first thing, as the sun was still rising, and outside he had spotted his nephews setting out for a ride along with, to his surprise, Vana. They’d managed to convince her to leave the fortress finally. He wouldn’t have thought anything of it if he hadn’t seen Fíli hold on to her hand slightly longer than necessary when he helped Vana onto the back of his pony, or the way Kíli smiled softly up at her before turning to mount his own pony. And now these nagging details wouldn’t leave him be.  
“Different in what way?”  
“They seem…very close with Vana…” he frowned as his face grew warm. His nephews weren’t inexperienced by any means when it came to women, but to be fair none of the dwarrowdams in the past had been considered as more than acquaintances to him. Vana wasn’t just a passing fancy however, she was a friend, a part of the family. And she was vulnerable.  
Dis only shrugged and went back to her writing.  
“Well of course they are, she’s become like their sister.”  
“I think there’s more to it than that.”  
“Why?”  
“I’m not sure. It’s only little things.”  
“Such as?” Dis was becoming amused now. He knew she thought him far too serious at the best of times. And she loved to make him shuffle uncomfortably as he did now.  
“You know, looks, touches, things like that.”  
“From my sons or from her?”  
“Your sons. I’m just not sure they should be…entertaining such thoughts, if they are at all of course.”  
“I think you’re worrying about nothing, brother.”  
“That’s what you said when Nalí started looking at you.”  
“Yes, well, at that point I wasn’t interested if you remember.”  
“I was still right in the end.” He smiled softly at her as her eyes drifted back. It had been more than sixty years since Nalí had not come home from his scouting mission, and it was only in more recent years that his sister was able to think of her husband with a smile rather than tears.  
“Regardless,” she shrugged again. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about here. My sons are headstrong and reckless, but they’re not stupid. They care about her, yes, but before anything else, they would protect her. They know she’s fragile just now, and they’re doing what they can to make her feel safe. That’s all they’re thinking about.”  
“But you don’t deny there may be some truth to my words?”  
“Perhaps,” she regarded him with a frown. “But for now you should let them be. There’s no need for us to intervene just yet.”  
“Not yet then,” Thorin agreed, but in his head one word his sister said echoed over and over again; _fragile_. There was a word he was all too familiar with. He needed to speak to her.

_ Vana _

The ride that afternoon had turned out to be exactly what I needed. Winter was definitely coming, we could tell as much by the icy winds that followed us around the mountainside and into the forests beneath the fortress. However, despite the chill, the fresh air had cleared my head of any plagued thoughts and Fíli and Kíli had succeeded in their mission to distract me. We had ridden through the forest, Kíli had let me practice some more archery with his bow and he had even caught us some game for lunch which Fíli roasted over a small fire. By the time arrived back at the fortress it was almost dinner time and we had barely any time to wash the woods off us.

I had only just changed into a clean shirt and skirt when a knock sounded at my door. The sound caused my entire body to stiffen instinctively but I swallowed hard and forced myself to call out softly.  
“Come in.”  
I relaxed at the sight of Thorin entering my room, his face serious, as usual, but kind at the same time.  
“Vana, I wondered if we could talk before dinner?”  
“Uh – yes, of course,” I cleared my throat, trying to make it sound less hoarse from the chilled wind I had been in all day.  
“Well,” he began to speak but then took pause, a look crossing his face that I had never seen before. He suddenly looked very…uncomfortable. “I just wanted to ask how you are?”  
“I’m fine,” I answered quickly. “I went riding with the lads today.”  
“I know that,” he nodded. “I mean…how are you? Given everything that’s happened?”  
_No. Don’t talk about that. I can’t talk about that._  
“I’m…better,” was all I could think to say.  
“You don’t feel…scared?” His icy blue eyes were suddenly boring into my own. Every instinct screamed for me to look away, to run away, and yet I found myself holding his gaze as he continued. “As if everyone and everything is dangerous? As if you can never let your guard down?”  
I only stared at him. _Yes, that’s_ exactly _how I feel. Is it that obvious?  
_ “I understand that,” Thorin said solemnly, his eyes finally lowering to the floor. “Did Balin ever tell you about the Battle of Azanulbizar? Of Moria?”  
“Only that you got your name ‘Oakenshield’ in that battle.”  
“Yes,” he nodded, his eyes remaining fixed on his feet. “My grandfather, Thror, wanted to reclaim Moria and he led our armies along with my father and myself. I was very young, only 53 years of age, but I was determined to prove myself in battle, as was Frerin, my younger brother.” Thorin’s face fell slightly at the mention of his brother. “The orc armies were overwhelming. They outnumbered us beyond count; it was a slaughter. I watched my grandfather die and my father disappear into the fray. No one could find him afterwards, not even a body. After we finally fought off the orcs, I found that my brother had also fallen, cut down by orcs, like my grandfather.  
“It was all too much to bear; first the loss of Erebor, then the shame of having to live off the charity of others for so long. Then to watch my grandfather, my king, cut down like that, my father, my brother…”  
Thorin took a shuddering breath and his eyes met mine once again.  
“I know what it feels like to be scared; so scared you jump at shadows and loud noises. To be plagued with sounds and images that haunt your sleep and even your waking mind. And I know that it feels ridiculous, humiliating, that you’re acting like a frightened pony instead of yourself. Balin showed me documented cases from healers of ‘battle shock’; when someone is traumatised from a battle and it leaves them constantly feeling on edge, as if any minute an enemy might jump out from the shadows and attack them. In my dreams, even today, I still hear the roar of orcs and feel the heat of dragon fire.”  
My chest felt as if it would explode, my throat like it was drying up. I held back for as long as I could but eventually the air in my lungs expired and drove its way out of me in a choked sob. I buried my face in my hands to try and conceal my shame, and it wasn’t long before I felt Thorin’s strong arms around me.  
“I…” I winced at how staggered my voice was. “I’m so – so scared – all the time. I’m scared to – sleep and – to leave my room – of what others must think of me -”  
“It doesn’t matter what others think,” Thorin whispered almost fiercely. “Others don’t know what happened. They’ll form their own version of events, this is inevitable. Don’t let it define you, or affect you in any way. The only thing that matters is how you see yourself and how you will take back the control of your own life.”  
He took a step back, his hands still firmly on my shoulders.  
“Kíli tells me he is teaching you how to fight?”  
I nodded, still trying to take control of my breathing.  
“Good,” Thorin nodded, allowing a small smile to spread across his lips. “Fighting will make you stronger, faster and keener of mind. Once you’re more practised, Dwalin shall train you properly, if you wish it.”  
“Do you think I can do it?” I whispered.  
“I _know_ you can,” he insisted. “You’re already making decisions for yourself, for your future. Don’t let self-doubt get in the way.”  
I raised my eyes to meet his again and the sudden warmth that emanated from his blue eyes melted into me, and I could feel tension leave my muscles and the air leave my lungs in a long exhale.  
“You’re going to be alright, Vana,” he said softly. “It will take time, but I promise, you will get through it.”  
I have no idea why, or how, but his words brought me the comfort and assurance I had needed for so long without knowing it, and I believed him.


	12. Ponies are the best medicine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just in case it isn't clear, I myself love ponies. More than most people. I used to own a Welsh Cob and I currently work with Exmoor ponies. They are amazing. And floofy.  
> Also, time-hop: This chapter takes place a year and a half after Vana's attack, so nearly two years after she arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT NOTE: Recollection and references to past trauma.

_ Vana _

The clang of metal on metal echoed around the fortress and I gritted my teeth at the vibrations running through my arms from the force of the hit. Darting forward I swung my sword towards my opponent’s side but he caught my blade with his, trapping me briefly before throwing me round into the dirt. I rolled to avoid another hit and kicked out, catching him in the stomach so he reeled backwards. Leaping to my feet, I sent another flurry of hits his way but he blocked them all, eventually catching the hilt of my sword with the flat of his blade and sending it spinning out of my hands before flicking the blade against my throat. Defeated, I threw my head back in a groan.  
“Almost a personal best,”  
“Not bad at all, lass,” Dwalin grinned and lowered his sword. “Yer still hesitatin’. Trust yer instincts more.”  
“Well my instincts are telling me I need to let our prince have a go before he drills a hole into the ground with his sword,” I nodded to Kíli who had been impatiently tapping his sword against the ground. He threw a mock glare at me before sauntering over, twirling his sword around his hand.  
“Feel free to stay and watch how it’s done,” he grinned. I only scoffed and went to pick up my own sword. “What do you think Dwalin? Is she ready?”  
“Ready for what?” I frowned at the two of them who were now sharing a knowing smirk.  
“The spring games!”  
I straightened up immediately. The spring games happened every year to celebrate the lengthening days. Dwarves and dwarrowdams alike competed in sparring, wrestling, archery, axe-hurling, wrestling, and of course drinking. Last year’s games had been two weeks of laughter; first watching Kíli annihilate the archery contest, then Dwalin and Thorin sparring for nearly two hours before Balin finally stepped in and declared a stalemate; even Dis had surprised everyone by beating every dwarf that stood against her in the axe-hurling. Despite my reservations, there had been very little animosity towards me during those two weeks and I had ended up enjoying it immensely.  
“You want me to compete in the games?”  
“I think yer more than ready lass, but yeh don’t have to.”  
“Will I be allowed? There’s no clause that says ‘dwarves only’?”  
“Not that I know off.”  
I turned to Kíli with a grin, which he returned before shoving me playfully.  
“Go on and talk to Uncle then! I’ve got a son of Fundin to humiliate.” He brandished his sword and turned to Dwalin, who was waiting with his two favoured axes.  
“Such bold words fer a wee dwarfling.”

When I found Thorin he was in his study with Glóin. The two of them were clearly in the middle of a disagreement and I didn’t miss the strange look the treasurer was giving me. I didn’t know much about him, only that he worked in the treasury and was brother to the healer, Óin. I had met his son, Gimli, a few times through Fíli and Kíli, and liked his company. Glóin, on the other hand, had never warmed to me.  
“Is this a serious matter Vana?” Thorin asked in a tired voice.  
“No, I just wanted to ask you about the games next month.” I said quietly, keeping half an eye on Glóin.  
“Yes?” Thorin pressed.  
“Dwalin’s asked if I want to compete and I’ve decided to accept. Kíli told me to come and talk to you but I can come back later.”  
“No, no, that’s fine. Glóin and I are finished anyway.”  
The treasurer’s mouth opened as if to say something, but he seemed to think better of it. Instead he gathered his papers from Thorin’s desk.  
“My king,” he addressed Thorin in a level voice. “Is it wise to allow her to compete? Some of the community may take offence.”  
“And why should they? Vana lives here, the same as they. She has every right to compete if she wants to.”  
“They may not agree,” Glóin turned to face me, clearly working to keep his face blank. “There may be trouble is all I meant.”  
I felt my blood run cold at his words but held his gaze until he left the room. When I turned back to Thorin he was regarding me seriously.  
“I would not pay attention to his words,” he said kindly. “The dwarves of the Blue Mountains have never had much of a problem with humans. It’s only the more old-fashioned types that hang onto their views. There is nothing stopping you from competing if you still want to.”  
“Thank you, my king,” I cleared my throat and managed to smile. “I’d love to compete.”  
“Then you shall,” Thorin returned my smile before picking up his quill. “Look for your name then, and keep practising.”

I spread the good news that evening in the tavern.  
“What will you be competing in then, lass?” Bofur asked over the cheers from the others.  
“Sparring and archery, I suppose. Why, are you challenging me?”  
“Nah, I’ve seen you in the ring,” he grinned. “Though I might come look for you for the drinking.”  
“Feel free,” I raised my cup and he clinked his against mine.  
“What do you think, lads,” Fíli called to the table. “You reckon Kíli’s finally found his match at the bow?”  
The rest of them laughed as Kíli shook his head hard. “No way, I mean she’s decent enough but nah, no contest.”  
“Excuse me?” I yelped. “‘Decent?’ I will slaughter you!”  
“With your spindly arms?” Kíli scoffed and picked up my forearm with his fingers wrapped around my wrist, showing clearly how they overlapped. “At the long range your arrows won’t even make a dent.”  
“As if my skinny human arms have ever stopped me beating you in the past,” I quipped, wrenching my arm from his grip.  
“I’ve told you a hundred times, the sun was in my eyes!”  
“Tell that to the grouse you missed at a 10 foot range.”  
“This will not end well for you woman,” he pointed a threatening finger at me but he couldn’t stop the laughter sparkling in his eyes.  
“When the two of you have quite finished,” Gimli laughed, rolling his eyes. “My cup is awfully empty and I got the last round.”  
“Mmh -” I swallowed my last mouthful and got to my feet. “I’ll get the next one.”  
“Oh now we couldn’t possibly allow that, lass,” Bofur protested.  
“You’ll just have to grin and bear it Bofur, because I’m already going,” I grinned and darted from the table before they could drag me back to my seat. I waited patiently for the barkeep to finish serving the group in front of me, counting the coins in my purse and not noticing the dwarves approach me from my left.  
“It’s true then?” A gruff voice sounded from next to me and I turned to find three dwarves staring at me incredulously. I recognised one of them as the head of a group of miners; he had come to speak with Thorin on a few occasions. The other two were slightly younger though the length of their beards suggested they had reached maturity a good while ago.  
“Yer competin’ in our games?” The older dwarf asked flatly.  
“The king has agreed to let me compete,” I told them.  
“Unbelievable,” one of the others muttered.  
“Surely yeh don’t think yeh’ve a chance?” The older raised a patronising eyebrow.  
I turned away as the group in front moved away and the barkeep turned to face me.  
“Five of the same please,” I handed him the coins and he nodded, setting out some fresh cups.  
“Yeh’ve no business in our traditions,” the other hissed in my ear and I jerked away, clenching my fists in frustration as I tried to think of something to say.  
“What’s going on here?” Fíli’s stern, princely tone sounded from behind me.  
“Nothing, my lord,” the older dwarf said cordially. “We heard rumours that Miss Vana was competing next month, we just wanted to know if they were true.”  
“And do you have your answer?”  
“We do, my lord.”  
“Then this conversation is over.” He gathered up the cups that had been set in front of me and I blinked stupidly, realising I hadn’t noticed at all. “Vana, shall we return to our friends?”  
I nodded wordlessly and he followed closely behind me as we went back to the table.  
“Are you alright?” Kíli asked immediately.  
“I’m fine, they were just asking questions.” I raised my cup and began to drink, not stopping until Bofur began a new conversation.

_ Kíli _

Kíli jolted awake at the shrill cries that echoed through the walls of his bedchamber. _It's happening again,_ he thought to himself as he leaped out of bed and sprinted for the door. When he entered Vana’s room she was still trapped in the depths of her night terror, her knuckles white with gripping the sheets that were tangling around her like a fish caught in a net. He shook her shoulder gently but she only screamed again, her skin shining with sweat in the dim firelight. He shook her again, harder.  
“Vana, wake up! It’s just a dream!”  
Her eyes snapped open and her hand shot out to grip his lower arm. He winced slightly at the bruising grip and held her gaze as her breathing began to calm.  
“Kíli?” Her voice was hoarse, barely more than a whisper.  
“It’s alright,” his well-practised words were soft and soothing. “You’re safe. It was just another dream.”  
“Another one,” she groaned, releasing her grip on his arm. He let her hand slide from his arm but took it in his own. “I’m sorry.”  
“It’s not a problem,” he smiled down at her guilty expression before looking to the cup beside her bed. He reached over to inspect it but found its contents drunk. “I thought Óin’s herbs were finally starting to work?”  
“They were. Two whole weeks without a terror.”  
“That’s more than it’s ever been before.”  
“Is it ever going to stop?” She looked up at him, her eyes filled with defeat and Kíli set her cup back down before lightly stroking the top of her hand.  
“It’s going to get better. It’s already getting better.”  
“I hate that you’re not getting any sleep either.”  
“I’ve told you a thousand times, it’s not a problem. I would much rather be here knowing you were alright.” He felt her hand lightly squeeze his and glanced down at it with a small smile before a serious note entered his voice. “Was it something those dwarves said? At the tavern?”  
She let out a deep sigh before removing her hand from Kíli’s and rearranging her blankets. “They didn’t say anything, they just asked about the games.”  
“Are you su-”  
“Kíli, I’m fine now. You should go back to bed.”  
He regarded her for a few moments, but her hard gaze never broke from his and, reluctantly, he nodded and stood up to leave.  
“Good night then. Remember I’m only next door.”  
“Thank you, Kíli,” she said softly, tugging her blankets up to her chin.  
He left the room quietly but passed his own door and instead knocked on the next before entering.  
“Kíli,” Fíli groaned as the creaking wood roused him from sleep. “What time is it?”  
“Not yet dawn,” Kíli whispered, climbing onto his older brother’s bed.  
“Kee, what are you doing? I was having a good dream…” Fíli grumbled, burying his face in his pillow.  
“We have more important things to discuss, I’m afraid.” Kíli settled himself against the headrest and stared down at his brother, waiting for him to wake up. With a sigh, Fíli propped himself up on his elbows and blinked hard before turning to him.  
“And what would these be?”  
“I’m worried about Vana. She’s still having night terrors, and all this training was supposed to help distract her.”  
“I thought it was to make her feel safer?”  
“What’s the difference?”  
“Well, if she wants to feel safer, then she’s not exactly being distracted, is she?”  
“I don’t follow.”  
“Kíli,” Fíli knuckled his forehead as he stifled a yawn. “If she’s trying to make herself feel safe from whatever’s scaring her, she’s probably still thinking about what’s scaring her, isn’t she?”  
“I suppose,” Kíli frowned. “Then we need a new distraction.”  
“Good idea, let’s talk about that in the morning.” Fíli lay back down and rolled onto his side, only to be shoved so roughly that he almost rolled off the bed.  
“I’ve got it!” Kíli declared in a shouting whisper.  
“Great, tell me in the morning,” Fíli groaned, shuffling back into position.  
“Your pony, Minty, she gave birth last week didn’t she?”  
“She did. A grey colt. It was disgusting.”  
“He’s our answer!”  
“The foal?”  
“Yes!”  
“How is a foal going to make Vana feel safer?”  
“He’s not, he’s going to distract her. He can be hers!”  
“What’s Vana going to do with a foal?”  
Kíli rolled his eyes at how slow his brother was when he was sleep-deprived.  
“She can raise him and train him, then when he’s big enough she can ride him herself. And when we go hunting we won’t have to share or borrow anyone’s pony, she’ll have her own. She’ll love it! It’s brilliant!”  
“Great idea, I’m sure I’ll be able to appreciate your brilliance tomorrow, but until then please leave me to sleep before I knock your head against the wall for some peace.”  
Kíli grinned and leaped up from the bed, throwing open the curtains. Fíli groaned at the light invading his room, dim as it was, and buried himself under the blankets.  
“It is tomorrow, brother!” Kíli cried, yanking the blankets off of his bed. “I’m going to get dressed, and then we’re both heading down to the stables. Hurry now!”  
He suppressed a laugh as he heard Fíli’s pillow hit the door behind him.

_ Vana _

“What have you two done?” Dis asked almost as soon as she entered the dining hall. She scrutinised her two sons as she sat at the table; Fíli looked utterly miserable, his eyes red from lack of sleep and Kíli was positively beaming. After two years here I agreed that Dis had a right to be wary, but we hadn’t even had breakfast yet.  
“Done? We’ve done nothing,” Kíli said, the perfect picture of innocence for anyone who didn’t know better.  
“Don’t give me that. Confess now and I won’t get angry.”  
I glanced at Thorin who was watching the whole scene with obvious amusement.  
“Fíli,” Dis addressed her oldest son. “Why do you look ill?”  
“I didn’t get much sleep last night,” he mumbled with a glare at Kíli who seemed to ignore him.  
“And why is that?”  
“Kíli had an idea.”  
“And what was this idea?”  
“It’s a surprise,” Kíli grinned.  
“Oh, Mahal save us,” Dis muttered and looked expectantly at me.  
“I don’t suppose you know anything about this?”  
I shrugged and raised my hands in innocence.  
“Of course she doesn’t know, the surprise is _for_ her,” Kíli said and turned to grin at me.  
“Why does this make me feel uneasy?” I frowned at him, but my curiosity had sparked now.  
“You’ll love it, I promise.” Kíli assured me before turning to his brother. “Won’t she Fee?”  
“You will,” Fíli managed to smile before getting up from the table. “But you’ll have to tell me how much later because I’m going to get another hour of sleep before going to see Balin.”  
“No you won’t,” Thorin said, standing up from the table. “You and I have got to attend the council meeting this morning. Spring trade is just around the corner.”  
Fíli threw back his head with a groan. “My good deed for the day can’t get me out of one single meeting?”  
“I’m afraid not,” Thorin smiled before spinning Fíli around and directing him out of the door with a hand on his shoulder.  
“So what is this surprise?” I asked, starting to feel more excitement. Kíli was practically bouncing in his seat.  
“Well I can’t tell you, can I?” Kíli rolled his eyes but was still grinning like a madman. “You want to come and see?”  
I nodded and he almost leaped out of his seat, pulling mine back from the table and pulling me up by my hand.  
“Kíli, remember you have lessons with Balin and your brother!” Dis called after us and Kíli shouted back an acknowledgement as he led me down the stairs. He didn’t let go of my hand until we reached the stables.  
“Alright,” I said breathlessly. “Does it have something to do with ponies?”  
“A keen observation,” Kíli grinned, striding down the row of stalls before finding the right one. He beckoned me closer and I followed, peering into the stall and smiling at the occupants.  
“Minty and her foal,” I nodded. “We’ve met.”  
“He’s yours,” Kíli grinned.  
The control over my own face seemed to slip away from me as I stared foolishly at him. Whatever my expression was, it was enough to make Kíli laugh out loud.  
“Mine?”  
“Yes, yours!” Kíli unlocked the door to the stall and motioned for me to go in. He followed in after and locked the door again before going to stroke Minty’s neck. “You need your own pony after all. This way he’ll be only yours. You can train him yourself and everything.”  
“Do you think I can?” I asked, crouching down to hold my hand out for the colt to sniff.  
“Of course you can. And Fíli and I can always help if you need it.” Kíli patted Minty’s neck and chuckled at the colt staggered closer to me on his spindly legs. He nuzzled my hand and nibbled the tips of my fingers with his lips. His coat was a dark grey, like the early dusk sky and his mane and tail were almost black, as were his eyes which seemed almost too big for his face. He continued to nuzzle my hand and when I raised my other to lightly stroke down his neck, he nickered so softly it came out as a squeak.  
“Hello, Angus,” I cooed, scratching the base of his mane above his ears.  
“So you like your surprise?”  
“I love it!” I turned to grin up at Kíli before another louder nicker from Angus drew my attention back to him. “Yes I do! We are going to have so much fun together!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anybody's interested, this is how I imagine Minty (Fíli's pony) and Angus as a foal:  
> http://s270.photobucket.com/user/holmedown/media/IMAG0340.jpg.html


	13. Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The spring games are upon us!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT NOTE: offensive language

_Vana_

I gripped the bow in my left hand harder before Kíli’s voice sounded in my head.  
Relax your bow arm. My fingers flexed around the grip. I reached for an arrow from the quiver on my back and nocked it to the string and closed my eyes. Trust your instincts.  
“And…begin!”  
I heard the first target before I saw it, the whooshing of flat wood through the air. I spun to my left and released the arrow into the target. Back to my right, the next swung across the ring and into the path of my next arrow. I ducked and rolled under the next target swinging above my head and loosed another arrow into its back. The next three shot up from the ground and I hit all of them in quick succession before sprinting the few strides to the edge of the ring and shooting the final one point blank. A beat of silence followed before a cheer erupted from the crowd of spectators.  
“Twenty-three seconds!” The judge shouted over the noise and I turned to see the grinning faces of Fíli, Ori, Gimli and Bofur, along with the slightly shocked face of Kíli, whom I had soundly beaten. I brandished my bow at him in victory and he shook his head disbelievingly, though a small smile managed to creep onto his face.  
“The winner!” The judge walked onto the ring and presented my prize; a golden arrow ornament and a pouch of coins. “Well done, lass,” the old dwarf smiled warmly at me and I grinned back. Despite the ill manners of the miners from the tavern, there had been no problems at all today.  
I’d allowed Dis to show me how to braid my hair properly so it would stay up for longer and it hung down my shoulder in a long braid, much like the dwarrowdams I had seen working in the kitchens and the forges. At first I had worried I looked as if I was trying to appear more dwarvish, then I had panicked at the thought that it might be more offensive if I emphasised the fact that I was not a dwarf, yet still participating in their events. When I actually got to the fields below the mountain where the games were being held, it took exactly sixty seconds for me to relax and forget about anything other than the competitions.

Archery had been first and Kíli had thrashed me and everyone else in the long-range, as he said he would, but in the rapid-fire contest I had the advantage of being slimmer than my heavy-boned competitors. I was more proud that I managed to keep the gloating to a minimum, even when Kíli complained loudly of the fact that he tripped over a stray stone on his last target. Sparring was next and I watched Fíli compete first, standing a little to the side of the others and twirling my sword around my hands to loosen my wrists a bit.  
“Nervous?” I jumped a little as Kíli came up behind me.  
“No,” I sneered at his stupid, adorable smirk. “I’m just warming up.”  
“I wouldn’t worry,” Kíli shrugged. “You’re far better than any of these idiots.” He nodded to the other competitors, who were watching in earnest as Fíli knocked his opponent into the ground, only for the other dwarf to attempt to catch him in the lower leg.  
“Ooh, that’s a dirty trick,” I remarked before looking back to Fíli, who was spinning and swinging his twin blades in a lightening flurry of metal. “He’s so fast.”  
“I know, I think it’s the shortness.”  
“You’re all short,” I smirked at Kíli’s knowing look.  
“We’re all perfectly normal height. You’re the human who’s the size of a dwarf.” He grinned and I conceded with a shrug. With a well-timed feint and swift attack, Fíli disarmed his opponent and sent him stumbling backwards, winning the round.  
I cheered him along with the others before being summoned into the ring for my first round against one of the blacksmith’s apprentices, a young, black-haired dwarf, even younger than Ori. It didn’t take long at all, within minutes I had disarmed my opponent to his distaste. He stormed off after refusing to accept my hand to help him to his feet and I shrugged it off despite the uneasy feeling in my gut at his behaviour.  
Next was Gimli against a dwarf I recognised as a toy-maker who worked with Bofur’s cousin, Bifur. It was a close match which eventually ended in Gimli flooring the toy-maker with a well-aimed smack with the butt of his axe. It was my turn again against the dwarf who had fought with Fíli in the first round who was more of a challenge than my first. He was fast, but heavy handed with his sword and shield. The shield prevented me from landing many hits but I danced around his attacks, tiring him out before finally swinging my sword in between his shield arm and sword arm and sending his weapon spinning out of his hand. He bowed in defeat and shook my hand afterwards.  
My third fight was against Fíli of all others and it took about three and a half seconds for me to acknowledge that I had no sliver of a chance at beating him. However, I was proud in the end that I lasted longer against him than his first did, even if his finishing move did end with me sprawled in the dirt. He paused, his mouth falling open in horror, and I let the shocked silence continue for another moment before I burst out laughing and reached for his hand to help me up. Finally a very impatient Kíli was able to get in the ring and beat my first opponent.  
Then it was my turn again. When I realised who had walked in the ring the unease in my gut sprung up again like a deer whose smelt a predator; it was one of the younger miners from the tavern. As he walked on he raised a two handed battleaxe and shot me a grim smirk that made me gulp in spite of myself. I resettled my sword in my hands and prepared myself for his attack. I managed to block his first three attacks but dodged the fourth to save the bones in my arms. He was slower, but much stronger than me. We exchanged more blows and I could see the tension building in his face before he swung his axe at me with a colossal roar. I dodged his blow and blocked the second but he forced his weight into the blow and I fell to my knees, my blade still crossed with his axe.  
“You’re stronger than you look,” he hissed, his smirk returning. “Must be all the exercise you get with the princes.” If it hadn’t been for the extreme pressure radiating down my arms into my shoulders and back, I would have rolled my eyes. Instead I clenched my jaw and pushed back. “How often do they work you, whore? Every night or do you get time off? Do you do them on alternate nights or do they really do everything together?”  
_That’s it._  
With a roar that I didn’t even realise had been building up, I dropped my sword, rolled to the side, and grabbed his lower leg with both hands, yanking it out from under him. I then got to my feet as he fell flat on his back, the axe flying out of his hands. He reached for it but as he closed his hand around the handle I brought my heel down sharply on the top of his hand. He let out a yell of pain and there was an audible crack of bones beneath my foot. I kicked the axe further away before picking up the sword and brandishing it at the hollow of his throat. His little black eyes looked up at me in shock as I glared down at him and said in a voice of stone:  
“I am no whore, wretch.”  
“Miss Vana!” The judge yelled my name as he marched into the ring.  
“I know, I’m disqualified,” I stated flatly before lowering my sword and storming out. Intentionally inflicting injury was against the foremost rule of sparring – disarm only.  
“Vana -” Kíli moved to intercept me but I only shoved my sword at him and continued marching away.

_Kíli_

It didn’t take Kíli long to find her after the games. Fíli took his weapons from him and he went straight from the fields up to the stables. He spotted her down by the lake, running alongside a six-week-old Angus who was clumsily galloping along the water’s edge as fast as his spindly legs could carry him. As he got closer he heard the musical ring of Vana’s laugh sound over the tiny thunder of the foal’s hooves as he trundled to a stop next to her, throwing his head up in a high-pitched whinny. He couldn’t help the smile that crept over his mouth as she bent down to wrap her arms around the colt’s neck.  
“I thought I’d find you here,” he called. She stood up straight at the sound of his voice and the colt snorted disdainfully at him for interrupting. He noticed her leather boots had been discarded for her bare feet.  
“I suppose you’re here to fetch me to Thorin?”  
“No, actually I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I still don’t know exactly what happened.”  
“Nothing happened,” she sighed, resuming her petting, much to Angus’ delight. “He made me angry and I overreacted. How is his hand?”  
“You snapped a couple of his bones. He won’t be able to mine for a good number of weeks.”  
“I should compensate him.”  
“We’ve already taken care of it.”  
“You have?” She looked back to him with a frown and he nodded, stepping closer.  
“Gimli spoke to his father and Fíli’s speaking to Uncle right now.” She exhaled loudly and closed her eyes, shaking her head at him.  
“You didn’t have to do that.”  
“What would you rather we had done?”  
“Nothing!” He blinked in surprise as her words came out in a growl. When she opened her eyes they were glowing in anger. “I should go to the mines tomorrow, see what needs to be done in his absence.”  
“You don’t have to -”  
“Yes. I do.” Both her face and her voice softened as Angus nuzzled her shoulder, asking for more petting. “I put him out of work. He needs the income and the mine needs the profit.”  
“He’ll take it as an affront. He’ll think you’re trying to steal his job.”  
“Not if I give him his earnings. It’s only for a few weeks.”  
“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Vana,” He said softly. “Mining is dangerous work. Anything could happen, a rock-fall, an explosion -”  
“Well I can’t just do nothing. This wasn’t an accident, Kíli. I did it deliberately, you saw.”  
“You were provoked,” he said, reaching out to stroke Angus’ back. The colt whipped his head round and snapped at his hand before turning back to Vana. “Mahal, what’s his problem?” Kíli grinned. “He thinks he’s a dog.”  
“He doesn’t like the stablemaster either,” Vana told him, a small smile creeping onto her face as she stroked the colt’s nose.  
“Vana, what did he say to you? That made you so angry?”  
“He called me a whore and asked how often you and your brother liked to use me.” The flatness of her voice and the blank expression on her face made him seethe with rage, though he did his best to suppress it. She became a shadow when she was reminded of that night; her eyes lost their glow, her face became pale and it made him want to snap more than that miner’s hand.  
“Why do you want to help him?” he managed to ask.  
“I want to show them I’m not what they think I am.”  
“You don’t have anything to prove!” Kíli barked, clenching his fists tight at his sides to attempt to keep control. “You had every right to get angry and break bones. No one should talk to you like that!”  
“Well, they do, so I either need to get used to it or make them stop. And I don’t want to get used to it.”  
Even Angus couldn’t coax a smile out of her now and her derelict expression was enough to make Kíli swallow his anger, though he found himself thinking the feeling of defeat was even worse.  
“I wish I knew what to do,” he murmured. Her large eyes found his and for a few moments he simply gazed into them, losing himself in the emerald pastures and counting the flecks of gold scattered in amongst the green, the picture of the warmest and most beautiful of summers.  
“Kíli?” His name on her lips made him realise he had been staring and he blinked stupidly, snapping himself back to reality.  
“What?”  
“I said you could stay for a while. If you want to.”  
“Oh, yes, yes of course.” He stepped back and took off his tunic from over his shirt, laying it out on the grass and the two of the sat down to face the lake. Affronted at the cessation of his pampering, Angus seemed to storm back to his grazing mother in a huff and Vana laughed once again at the colt’s offended snorts. “I knew that foal was a good idea,” Kíli grinned.  
“Yes, you’re so unbelievably clever,” Vana remarked with a raised eyebrow. “Much smarter than you look.”  
“Aye, people should listen to me more often,” he smirked, before replaying her words in his head. She laughed once again at his change in expression and dodged his playful cuff. “That is just rude!”  
“My humblest apologies,” she smirked. He returned it at first before forcing himself to be serious again.  
“Vana, please let us sort out this business. I would feel much better if you kept right away from it all.”  
She regarded him for a moment before sighing deeply. “But I don’t think I would. I don’t feel right hiding away.”  
“You’re not hiding, you’re rising above gossip and petty insults, as any good and noble person does.”  
“What makes you think I am either good or noble?” she asked dryly. Unable to help himself, he reached down to take her hand in his, noticing for the first time just how small they were in his.  
“You are both. You never want to take anything for yourself and you are willing to help those that have wronged you. That makes you one of the noblest people I’ve ever met.”  
Her eyes found his again and he had to remind himself to breathe under the intensity of her gaze. She seemed to search desperately for any semblance of words as she stared at him, and he let her, remaining silence as he studied her face. Her skin was pale but starting to show a slight darkness from being under the sun, her lips were slightly parted and the skin above her small nose crinkled as she frowned slightly, but he found he was always drawn back to her eyes, and they told him everything he needed to know as the contracted slightly and she smiled at him. He smiled back as she felt her hand lock around his.


	14. When in doubt, ask Balin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a filler chapter than anything else. Another time hop now; around four years after Vana is found. So Angus is now two years old. Things are looking up for Vana, but dwarves have such long memories.  
> There's a little history lesson in here as well. I tried to stick to the Durin's Folk appendix as much as possible, but some details are obviously different and others I've just had to make educated guesses at.

_Vana_

“Angus!” I pushed the pony’s head away for the seventeenth time. “Walk away, you goat! Go on!” I nudged his flank with the end of the flat stick and tried to guide him in a wide circle. He snorted and tried to walk towards me again. “Angus!”  
“How long has she been doing this?” I heard Fíli snicker from somewhere to my left.  
“About an hour now.” I could practically hear Kíli’s smirk.  
“Two silvers says she gives up before the next hour’s up.”  
“Three says he stands on her.”  
“Five says the pony gets the hang of it before lunch,” Ori piped up.  
“I _can_ hear you, you know!” I called without looking at them and shoved Angus away from me again.  
“We know!” Gimli chuckled.  
“Remind me again why you’re doing this?” Kíli called back.  
“It’s called long-reining and it teaches the pony to respond to commands instead of following around his owner like an abandoned puppy.”  
“So when will you be able to ride him?” Fíli asked.  
“He’s only two! He’s not strong enough to carry anybody yet. Or do you want him to have back and leg problems by the time he’s five?”  
“I’m more wondering how long we have to watch this spectacle for!”  
“No one is making you watch,” I groaned as I pulled Angus’ head up from the grass. “If you’re bored, go forge something.”  
“Why don’t you use the whip?” Gimli asked, blowing a smoke ring from his pipe.  
“Because I’m not going to frighten him into submission.” I glared at the ginger-haired dwarf. “There are much better ways to earn an animal’s trust.”  
“How do you know this?” Ori asked, his head slightly tilting to one side and I looked at him sadly.  
“I don’t know, I just do. I must have learned it before I came here.”  
“Vana the horse-whisperer,” Kíli grinned. “Maybe you’ll start hearing his thoughts?”  
“I would be very interested to hear what goes in this thick head,” I scoffed as I shoved the thick head in question away from me. Angus threw his head with an indignant snort and stomped his front foot twice. “Ey! Don’t you start!”  
“I swear that thing understands every word we say,” Ori said.  
“Aye, and he’s just waiting for us all to turn our backs before he stomps us to death and makes his escape.”  
“Or maybe he’s as irritated at being distracted as I am?” I snapped. They stayed quiet after that.

*

With Angus back in the meadow, I caught up to the others, catching the last part of their conversation as they walked back to the mountain.  
“- I told you she’d get it. You owe me five silvers.”  
“Ori, we never shook hands, so no bet.”  
“It is so a bet! We had a witness!” Ori pointed at Gimli who raised his hands in innocence.  
“Don’t look at me, I was watching the lass.”  
“Let it go Ori,” Fíli said, clapping the smaller dwarf on the shoulder. “Isn’t the knowledge that you were right and we were wrong enough?”  
“You sound like my brother,” Ori rolled his eyes. “Why do I put up with you?”  
“Why indeed?” I asked and grinned at the smaller dwarf before pulling him into a one-armed hug. “Thanks for the support Ori, when Angus and I take over this place we will spare you.”  
“Oi!” Kíli protested. “Who says the beast will let any of us live?”  
“He’s a pony, not a dragon.”  
“There yeh are!” Dwalin’s booming voice came down from the door as we entered the courtyard. “I’ve been lookin’ for yeh!”  
“Whatever it was, I didn’t do it!” Kíli protested but Dwalin only rolled his eyes.  
“Not you lad, her!” He pointed a meaty finger at me. “Yer late for practice!”  
“No I’m not! I was supposed to meet you -”  
“Now! Yeh were supposed to be ready and on the field now!”  
“Alright so I’m a _minute_ late -”  
“Yeh’ll be even later with all that talking! Better get goin’!”

*

An hour in the sparring grounds with Dwalin and I was gasping for breath and drenched in sweat.  
“Since – when – have there – been – no such thing – as breaks?” I wheezed and blocked another hit from him, barely able to raise my sword with my aching arms.  
“No breaks in a battle, lass,” Dwalin said, a smug smile creeping onto his face as he swung his axe at me again. “Yeh try complainin’ to an orc of breaks and see how far that gets yeh.”  
Two more hits and my sword was knocked to the ground, as was my sore and weary body.  
“Dead – I’m dead,” I groaned. The hard ground was only emphasising my bruised skin and spent muscles.  
“That yeh are,” Dwalin grinned before dropping his axes to the ground and pulling me to my feet. “But a solid hour of fighting with no breaks? That’s somethin’ to be proud of.”  
“I’m pretty sure there’s a law against this,” I groaned and bent over to try and alleviate the stitch in my side. “Remind me to ask Ori to look it up.”  
“Good luck wi’ that lass,” Dwalin chuckled, handing me my dropped sword. “Go on now and bathe, you stink.”  
“I hate you,” I growled at him and he only raised an eyebrow in response. “Respectfully.”

When I reached my room again, it was more than tempting to just flop down on the bed and sleep, but I forced myself into the washroom and drew a bath instead. I could have fallen asleep right there in the warm water as it soothed my aching muscles if it wasn’t for the sound of my door opening and two of the maids bustling in to the chamber next door.  
“Are you sure that’s what you saw?” I recognised that voice as Fina, who usually cleaned the rooms during the day.  
“Positive. I was on my way to set the dining hall for breakfast and he came out of this door.” I couldn’t remember the name belonging to the second voice.  
“The young prince?”  
“The very same.” I froze at her words, straining to listen harder.  
“So Prince Kíli was in Miss Vana’s bedroom early in the morning last week? Is that so strange? He may have just been knocking for her.”  
The other maid scoffed. “That early in the morning? I hardly think so. In any case, why would he still be in his nightclothes if he was knocking for her? No, he spent the night in there, or I’m an elf.”  
The temperature of the water seemed to drop suddenly. They were talking about Kíli and I, gossiping about us. “No Guida I’m sure you’re wrong. Miss Vana isn’t that sort of a woman.”  
“She’s a daughter or Man, who knows how many she’s had before.”  
“I can’t imagine that. Don’t you remember the ambassador’s dinner three years ago? She was very upset by that incident.”  
“Who doesn’t? I heard that three of Lord Fáin’s guards were executed in secret for lying with her. The princes clearly don’t like others touching what’s theirs.”  
“Guida! You shouldn’t say such things. How would you feel if someone spoke that way about you?”  
“They wouldn’t, but my honour’s intact.” I didn’t hear any more after that, only the heavy thud of the door closing.  
The water was now murky and tepid but I didn’t care, I was too busy thinking back to that night.

_I woke with a strangled cry, panicking at the tangle of blankets trapping me in the bed. My hands shook as I tried to disentangle myself from the sheets and I cursed quietly at the tears pouring down my face. I ran to the washroom to splash water on my face and was towelling it dry when I heard the knock on my door. Kíli had come, of course. He always heard me and he always came. “It’s been a while since the last one,” he said when I was settled back in bed._   
_"I was starting to think they might have gone for good.”_   
_“I doubt they’ll ever stop.” I replied flatly._   
_“Do you think you can get back to sleep?” I only shook my head._   
_“Not tonight.”_   
_“Well,” he clapped his hands together with his cheeky smile and sat cross-legged at the foot of my bed. “That’s good because otherwise I’d be extremely bored. So what shall we talk about first?”_   
_“What’s stopping you from sleeping?” I frowned slightly._   
_“It’s Uncle. He’s talking about searching for my grandfather again and Âmad’s angry about it. Says he’s in denial and prolonging the inevitable.”_   
_“What do you think?”_

We had spoken for hours and in the end I had fallen asleep again. I assumed he had simply left after that, but now I deduced that he must have also fallen asleep then slipped out before I woke. And the servants had seen him. And now they thought – I shook my head fiercely, fighting away the threatening words, and pulled myself out of the bath. I had to put a stop to this.

I knocked gently at the library door and it wasn’t long before it opened to reveal Balin’s gentle smile.  
“Vana, my dear, how can I help you?”  
“I need to ask you something,” I said quietly.  
“By all means, ask away.”  
“Can we talk somewhere more private?”  
“Sounds serious,” he remarked, his smile fading a little before opening the door wider to let me in. I followed him to one of the alcoves at the far end, away from the few others who were studying in there and we sat down on the stone bench.  
“Now then,” Balin said, folding his hands on the table between us. “What’s all this about?”  
“Well,” I found my face growing uncomfortably hot at the thought of what I was about to share with the old dwarf. The familiar clenching feeling in my gut was returning as well, warning me to stay silent, to run, but I willed myself to ignore it. “I overheard a couple of the servants earlier. They were talking about me and – well – clearly there have been rumours going around -”  
“About you and young Master Kíli?” I stared open-mouthed at him. “You’ve heard them too?”  
“I have, but I paid them no mind. It’s merely idle gossip, no one takes it too seriously.”  
“Are you sure about that?” I asked so quietly I barely heard myself. Balin regarded me curiously before leaning in towards me.  
“Is there something you wish to tell me lassie?” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.  
“It’s just that Kíli, well, he has been coming in to my room at night,” I began before hurriedly trying to explain at the look that crossed Balin’s face. “No, not like that! He comes to make sure I’m alright. I have nightmares sometimes and I get scared and he just sits with me and talks to me to make me feel better. I promise nothing else has happened and I never thought anyone else knew but clearly they do, except they don’t because they’re making all these assumptions and I swear they’re not true -”  
“Peace, lassie, peace,” Balin said, holding a hand up to silence me. “I believe you. But what is it you want from me?”  
“I…” I faltered; in truth I didn’t know what I wanted Balin to do. I only knew I couldn’t tell Kíli and I certainly couldn’t tell Dis. “I just don’t know what to do. I’m not afraid of being attacked anymore; I know I can defend myself physically, but I don’t know how to fight words. If I ignore it, they’ll keep speculating. If I try and deny it I’ll be made to look like I’m hiding something.”  
“I understand your worries,” Balin said. “And I’ve been around long enough to know how damaging gossip can be, but surely if you just tell Master Kíli to stop coming to your room? That way there’ll be nothing to talk about.”  
I shook my head sadly. “That won’t work. Kíli worries about me. If I have another nightmare then he won’t ignore it. He’ll come to my aid like he always does. Besides, I don’t want him to hear about the rumours, his temper might get the better of him and make everything worse. You know what he’s like.”  
“Aye, that I do,” he nodded. “Well, one solution I can think of would be to remove yourself from the situation. Live somewhere else, I mean.”  
“Where could I go?”  
“You could stay with my brother and I?”  
To say I was surprised by the offer would be a huge understatement.  
“With you and Mister Dwalin?”  
“Aye, we’re not too far away, only a few levels down. No one will suspect anything between you and a couple of old, gruff warriors such as us.”  
“Will…I mean, would your brother not object?”  
“Nonsense,” Balin scoffed and waved his hand dismissively. “My brother isn’t the most eloquent of dwarves, but he’s very fond of you lass, as am I.”  
“You are?” I couldn’t help the sceptic tone to my voice. I immediately regretted it but Balin only chuckled quietly.  
“I swear on Mahal’s hammer and anvil, my dear.”  
“I would be very grateful,” I returned his kind smile. “And I can help out. I won’t be a burden.”  
“We have a perfectly capable housekeeper, lass. Don’t worry though, Dwalin will keep you busy.”  
“I don’t doubt it,” I chuckled. Balin’s housekeeper, Mer, was a force of nature and possibly the only dwarrowdam in Ered Luin that was more feared than Lady Dis, but she had never been anything but kind to me. I then realised that, in the four years I had been here, I had never seen Dwalin in a domestic setting. He was always on the sparring grounds apart from the odd occasion I saw him in the taverns drinking with the rest of the warriors, and sometimes Thorin as well, off duty.  
“Have you and Dwalin always been together?”  
“I suppose we have, yes,” Balin said, his gaze falling to the table. “We were both born in Erebor, though we saw less and less of each other as we came of age. As the elder son, I tended to spend my time in the library studying and attending council meetings with my father while Dwalin was free to do as he pleased. We trained together when we could, but he was always heading off on some mission or another. When the dragon attacked, he was away on a trip to the Iron Hills as a guard for some merchants. He returned a few days after and found us survivors. I was only grateful he didn’t have to see what became of our home.”  
I sat in silence as his face grew sombre at the memories. He stared absently at the desk between us for a few moments before I finally summoned the courage to speak.  
“Then you made a new home here?”  
“Oh, not for many decades lass,” Balin said sadly. “And nothing like our old home. This place is good enough; comfortable, safe, impressive even. But no place will ever measure up to the grandeur and the wealth of Erebor. Thorin often refers to this place as ‘poor lodgings in exile.’”  
“Is that what happened? You were all exiled? Weren’t there any other dwarves that would help?”  
“Well, you must understand lass, a dragon is capable of wreaking a terrible amount of death and destruction in a very short amount of time. It destroyed the great city of Dale in mere minutes. And it took even less time to force its way through the stone gates of Erebor. A great many of our people were slaughtered as the dragon made its way through, searching for the treasure chamber, and more were trapped inside as it destroyed staircases and walkways. Those of us that managed to escape before the smoke alone consumed us were more than lucky.”  
“What happened afterwards?”  
“We made camp on the borders of the Woodland where the Elvenking, Thranduil, rules and sent in messengers to ask for aid. He had already refused to send his army with ours against the dragon, not wanting to risk the wrath of the beast on his own kingdom, but he refused to even offer us shelter.”  
“Why?” I shook my head in disbelief. “So many of you must have been injured?”  
“Aye, many didn’t survive the night. I don’t know exactly why he refused us aid, but it did not sit well at all with King Thrór.”  
“So what did you do?”  
“Many survivors travelled to the Iron Hills after that. Thrór, however, was determined to maintain his own kingship and decided to reclaim Moria, an ancient kingdom that was lost a few generations before. But we had nothing. Nothing but the clothes on our backs and a few spare pennies in our pockets. He and those that followed him travelled the wilderness, searching for a place to regroup, labouring in the villages of Men to get by.” He paused to take a laboured breath. “You can imagine, I suppose, how difficult it is for a noble and stubborn race as dwarves to be reduced to begging for work at half the pay?”  
“Somehow, I can’t picture it.” I said, shaking my head slightly.  
“We did, all of us. Thorin and Dwalin worked as blacksmiths in the Men’s forges. I used to sell their wares for them at the markets. We tried to never stay in one place for too long. Our camps were always a target for bandits or worse and Men never liked to put up with us for too long. Eventually, we settled at the foot of the mountains in Dunland, not too far from the Moria gate. Thrór began to plan the retaking of this kingdom and the first thing he did was send a scouting party to Moria. “Only one returned, and with a message: the severed heads of his companions, each inscribed with the name Azog.”  
“Azog?” I frowned at the unfamiliar name.  
“The leader of the Gundabad orcs. A huge, white-skinned monster, twice the height of any dwarf, and with a soul as black as the bowels of the earth. He and his armies had reached Moria first. We still don’t know exactly when they took it over. His message, however, began the war between Orcs and Dwarves. Thrór was outraged at their brazenness and continued to send his warriors against the orcs that ventured to and from those mountains Eventually, Thrór managed to garner enough support from his brother, Grór, who sent his own army, led by his son Náin, to aid him. Thrór then led an attack against Moria at the Battle of Azanulbizar."  
Balin paused then, and for a few moments he made no sound other than a few shuddering breaths.  
“The battle was long and gruesome. Many lives were lost, too many to count. Thrór was among the fallen and Thráin…well we never knew what happened to him. His body was never found. Thorin found himself thrust into the role of a king when he was barely of age himself, much younger than his nephews are now. When he should have been grieving he was instead bombarded with the responsibilities of leading a desperate and homeless people. His father was missing, but he could not search for him. He made the decision to lead us to Ered Luin and build ourselves new lives. We have all laboured long and hard to make ourselves at home here, but I fear may never be as prosperous as long as the memories of our hardships continue to haunt us.”  
Balin’s tale left me speechless. It was hard for me to imagine anywhere more splendid and grand than Ered Luin, and near impossible for me to imagine the hardships they had faced.  
“Would you ever go back?” I asked softly. “If you could return to Erebor, would you give up your life here?”  
Balin regarded me for a few moments before sighing deeply. “Dwarves are born from the stone, lassie. It takes a great deal of force to move or shape us, and we have long memories.”


	15. Durin's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The annual Durin's Day celebrations are afoot!  
> Vana's been living with Balin and Dwalin for a few months now and it seems to have done her a world of good. Kili, on the other hand...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tune I had in my head that's played during the party - you'll know when to start it - is The Whinney Hills Jigs by Capercaillie.

_ Vana _

Durin’s Day was always a grand occasion; a sort of colossal festival of eating and drinking before winter began and we had to start being careful about our resources – at least that’s how Dis described it. The great hall was filled with easily the entire colony of dwarves from the Blue Mountains and everyone chipped in what they could. Many brought food and drink while others brought decorations, tables and chairs, plates, cutlery, anything that could be used. The celebrations tended to go on for the entire night and occasionally some of the following morning and this year I was determined to make it to the end. I’d lasted longer and longer with each passing year and I was determined this year would be it.  
I relished the privacy I had with Dwalin and Balin, with no maids gossiping and no royals constantly asking after me. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate the efforts Dis and her sons had gone to for me to feel welcome and safe, but I found that the independence I now had without their constant attention was exactly what I needed. I hadn’t had a nightmare in nearly six months.  
As it was a special occasion, I was forced to dig out one of the few dresses I owned, eventually deciding on a dark red one. As I was getting ready by myself instead with the help of Dis and two maids, I kept my hair down instead of attempting to do some kind of elaborate hair style and instead simply braided a few strands of hair with white ribbon on either side of my head. The simplicity was refreshing and after a glance in the mirror I decided it still looked good.  
“Vana? Are you ready to go lass?” Balin’s voice echoed from the bottom of the staircase.  
“Just coming!” I called back. With one last look in the mirror I sighed in contentment at the result and made my way downstairs.

_ Kíli _

“You’re not still fussing over those braids are you?” Dis rolled her eyes at her youngest son.  
“You know I’m no good at them,” Kíli protested. He had tried and failed three times now to get these braids right. He never wore his braids in his hair for this precise reason but it was a special occasion tonight and so he had to make an effort…apparently.  
“You’ll have to get good at them,” Dis sighed as she took over, deftly weaving his hair through her fingers. “You’ll have no hope in finding a lass to court if you can’t braid your own hair, let alone hers.”  
“Are you worried I’ll become an old maid Âmad?” Kíli turned to grin at her but she turned his head sharply to the side so she could see what she was doing.  
“Quite the opposite in fact, I’m worried whoever’s lucky enough to court you is forced to walk around looking like her hair was done by a blind goblin.”  
“You wound me!” He pretended to clutch his chest. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I understand it’s a special occasion, but I combed my hair didn’t I?”  
A knock at the door interrupted Dis’ exasperated sigh and Fíli’s head appeared around the door.  
“Are you still not ready?” He cried.  
“I was ready twenty minutes ago!” Kíli protested. “But our mother insists on trying to tame my dark and dreary locks.”  
“I’d give it up if I were you Âmad, he’ll never look as good as me.” Fíli grinned as Kíli reached to the chair beside him and threw a cushion at his head. He earned a sharp blow to the head for his trouble.  
“Now I have to start this one all over again!” Dis complained before turning to her older son. “Fíli you go, Kíli and I will catch up.”  
Fíli nodded and left them to it.  
“Hold still and it will all be over in a minute,” Dis sighed as her younger son fidgeted.  
“Sorry,” he muttered. Her fingers stilled in his hair at his change in tone.  
“What’s the matter?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Kee…” Her tone of voice was not to be ignored and Kíli sighed.  
“It’s just…I haven’t seen Vana in a while,” he shrugged.  
“What do you mean? She was here for dinner last week.”  
“I know that, but we used to spend every spare minute together. Now she doesn’t seem to have time to do anything.”  
“You miss her?” Dis seemed almost confused.  
“I know it’s stupid. She’s not left the region. But I still don’t understand why she had to leave us.” He glanced at his mother’s bemused expression before blushing and running a hand down his face. “Mahal, I sound like a child.”  
“No you don’t,” Dis chuckled. She fastened the bead at the end of his braid. “I had my reservations about her leaving us as well. But Balin tells me she’s been nothing but happy with them.” She sighed at the sad expression on her son’s face. “It’s not personal, Kíli. She needed her own space, and it’s done her the world of good. You should be happy about that.”  
“I am,” he muttered, but he knew his expression said otherwise.  
“Kíli,” Dis’ expression suddenly turned serious.  
“Yes?”  
She regarded him in silence for a few moments before her face softened and she shook her head.  
“Never mind,” she said with a small smile. “Let’s get going or we’ll be really late.”

_ Vana _

The hall was spectacular, as always. The torchlight filled the entire room with a soft orange glow and the entire place was filled with lively chatter and laughter. The tables lined three walls of the room, leaving a space in the middle large enough for everyone to dance in. The food was being served as we entered and people were milling around, carrying cups of ale and wine and greeting as many of their neighbours as possible. I followed Balin and Dwalin to the table at the back of the hall where Thorin and his family were seated and found a seat had been saved for me in between his two nephews. I sat down next to them and Kíli leaned in towards me, so I could hear him over the surrounding chatter.  
“How have you been?”  
“Very well actually, how about you?” I asked, speaking loudly into his ear.  
“Just fine,” he replied. “I feel as if it’s been weeks since we talked.”  
At my confused frown he leaned in again. “I mean just the two of us.”  
“I’ve been so busy,” I explained. “Angus is almost ready to start being ridden and Dwalin’s found me more work in the stables. I’ve been treating two of the ploughing ponies for lameness and I have two new colts and a filly to start training.”  
Kíli only nodded in response.

After the feast, many of the dwarves remained seated, still deep in lively conversation and enjoying washing down the last of their meal with as much drink as they could. A few drinking competitions started up and some dwarves took out their instruments and began to play. Fíli and Kíli even brought out their fiddles and joined in for a few tunes. I enjoyed watching them play on the rare occasion they performed. Kíli loved to mess around with the tunes a little, joining in when he could, whilst Fíli preferred to take his time getting the tuning right and listening to the rhythm carefully before picking it up and joining in a full force. The dwarves always played very lively music that could very easily be danced to if they wanted or just listened to. I watched Fíli as he listened intently to the first few bars of the tune before recognising it and joining in, dragging the bow smoothly across the instrument while his fingers moved almost effortlessly to create the notes. I watched as he played and found myself mimicking his finger movements on the table.  
I blinked in confusion, but for some reason my mind recognised the various patterns and performed them on the wooden surface, recreating the tune in my head. I nodded my head slightly in time with the bow movements and found my right arm itching for that particular configuration. I glanced up as the tune ended and saw Fíli lower his fiddle, sharing a laugh with his fellow musicians.  
A sudden influx of confidence filled me and I stood up and walked over to him, tapping him lightly on the shoulder. He turned and leaned in so I could speak into his ear.  
“Could I borrow your fiddle?”  
He glanced at me in confusion before answering. “Of course, but may I ask why?”  
“I just want to try something.”  
He nodded and handed over his instrument. I held the fiddle to my shoulder, and the slight angle of my arm as it balanced the instrument, along with the way my fingers neatly fit over the handle of the bow sent a rush of warmth through my body, settling in my gut.  
_I know how to do this…_  
I hadn’t experienced this since I first rode a pony – this rush of familiarity. Trying to ignore the quietening room as the dwarves noticed me, I drew the bow confidently across all four strings. The movement felt so natural and normal that I couldn’t help but smile. A pattern quickly formed in my head and I began to play.

The music came in a continuous flow, like a river running down a bank. My fingers seemed to know the tune before I did; a muscle memory similar to learning a dance. Before long I found myself moving my body in time with the tune, finding that it helped me keep the rhythm going in time. The tune quickened and I heard a cheer erupt from some of the dwarves, prompting others to join and some even started clapping and stamping their feet in time. I let out a laugh and looked around the room at them. For once, there were no disapproving looks, no sneers, no snide comments; only smiles. I kept looking until I found my favourite mischievous smile from my favourite dark-haired dwarf and from there the rest was easy.

_ Thorin _

“Enjoying yourself, brother?”  
Thorin turned to smile at his sister as she approached with a cup of ale in each hand. She offered one to him and he took it with a nod.  
“Don’t look so surprised. Even I can enjoy myself from time to time.”  
“This year is certainly a success,” Dis nodded, raising her cup to his before taking a long drink. In the centre of the hall, the musicians struck up another tune and Vana’s fiddle echoed clearly across the room to the delight of many onlookers. He watched her as she danced around the other players, grinning at their shouts of praise and even meeting another fiddle player in a sort of musical duel.  
“Did you know she was this talented?” He asked Dis. His sister had spent a lot more time with her than he ever did, particularly in recent years, at least until she moved.  
“No, I knew she could sing and Kíli said she could dance, but as far as I know she never even touched a fiddle before tonight.”  
“And she still remembers nothing of her previous life?”  
“Not to my knowledge.” Dis shook her head. “She can sing, dance, play, train horses and my boys tell me she has a natural ability with a bow. If it weren’t for the distinct height difference and lack of points on her ears, she could be an elf.”  
Thorin’s smile faded at that comment.  
“She clearly isn’t an elf,” he muttered darkly. “Maybe she was one of those travelling performers?”  
“Or the daughter of a nobleman?” Dis raised an eyebrow. “Rich daughter of Man are often taught those kinds of things.”  
“If she was as important as that then someone would have come looking for her, surely?”  
“Perhaps they are, who would think to look for a woman in a dwarven settlement?”  
“Dis, are you speculating on purpose or is this just idle chatter?” Thorin turned to look at his sister. His seriousness seemed to take her aback and she shook her head with a small chuckle.  
“I’m just thinking out loud, Thorin. It may have escaped your notice, but many of us have grown very fond of our human. My boys especially.” She nodded towards the centre of the hall and Thorin followed her gaze to find both of his nephews watching Vana with clear delight. It was then he noticed that while Fíli watched as Vana danced and played before turning to speak to his friends or to take a drink, Kíli’s eyes never left her. Instead they followed her movements as if they were the only thing that existed; a single light in a vast darkness. Whenever she laughed, his lips pulled up into a smile. He didn’t leer at her or show any hint of lust or dark thought in his eyes. He looked at her as if he was seeing the sun for the first time.  
“Do you see what I see?”  
He turned back to his sister, seeing in her eyes that she seemed to be thinking the same as him.  
“I believe I do,” he said before turning back to his younger nephew. “Do you think it might be time to intervene?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was just a short chapter as I'm completely exhausted from finals. Now that uni is over for good (thank Odin!) I'm away on a road trip for the next week!  
> After that I'll hopefully be able to post a bit more regularly.


	16. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not all that happy with this chapter...but it is necessary. Apologies for the long wait. This chapter was a pain to write for whatever reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin has an idea and Vana reflects on her time so far with the dwarves.

_Dwalin_

The brisk night air was only just starting to subside in favour of the morning sun when Dwalin made his way down to the kitchen. He had been sure to get up earlier than usual for this meeting with Thorin but to his surprise he found that Vana had the same idea. As he entered the kitchen she was standing up from the table, fully dressed in her riding clothes with an empty cup and plate in hand.  
“And where’re yeh off to so early?” Dwalin asked, chuckling when she jumped slightly in surprise.  
“Mahal, how can a great oaf like you move so silently?” She grinned, taking her cup and plate to the sink.  
“Are yeh working at the stables today?”  
“Aye, I’m taking Angus out on his first ride, then I’ve got to work on those two fillies and the stablemaster’s asked if I could tend the cart-horses today too. He reckons old Mildred’s about to give birth, and he needs to stay close. The merchants leave in two days and to of the ponies still need shoeing.”  
“That old dwarrow works yeh too hard for what he pays yeh lass,” Dwalin frowned.  
“I don’t mind it really,” she shrugged. “I save enough to get by.”  
The old warrior eyed her clothes; a slightly threadbare shirt, trousers with patches on the knees, worn leather boots and the coat she had worn nearly every day for the past five years. The dwarrowdams around the settlement that worked earned as much as their male counterparts as a rule, and the dams who worked in the fields all day could afford nice clothes and even some jewels if they wanted.  
“I should have a word with him,” he said mostly to himself.  
“Please don’t Dwalin, he’s under no obligation to pay me more than he likes. Dwarrow laws don’t count for humans.” She shoved a hand into the pocket of her coat and produced a leather tie which she proceeded to use to tie her hair in an unruly bun. “And you? Where are you off to so early?  
“I’m meetin’ with Thorin over breakfast. Just headin’ up there now actually.”  
“I’ll walk with you to the great hall then,” she smiled.

When Dwalin reached the royal quarters he met young Kíli in the corridor.  
“Mister Dwalin,” he grinned, grasping the old warrior’s arm in greeting. “I haven’t forgotten a sparring round have I?”  
“No, not at all, I’ve come to speak with all of yeh actually,” Dwalin told him as they went into the dining room. Dis, Fíli and Thorin were already seated and greeted him warmly as he entered.  
“It must be serious if you wish to discuss it so early,” Kíli remarked, taking a seat next to his brother.  
“I wouldn’t say it was serious,” Dwalin replied, sitting in the empty chair next to Thorin. “But it’s something I’ve been thinkin’ about for a few days now.”  
“What is it then?” Thorin asked, his face impassive. Dwalin understood the expression so well now; his old friend was thinking like a king. He bowed his head slightly, bringing his hands together in front of him on the table before looking back up at his king.  
“I’d like to adopt young Miss Vana.”

_Vana_

Angus snorted irritably when I tightened the girth on his saddle by an extra hole, snapping his head round towards me.  
“Mahal!” I exclaimed as I avoided his snapping teeth. “What’re you trying to do? Bite my hand off?” I glared at him until his head moved back round. I swore that if he could he would have rolled his eyes at me.  
“You think this is bad? Try wearing a corset? Even I almost bit Lady Dis’ hand off the first time she made me wear one.” I set the saddle in place and took hold of his reins to lead him out of the stables.  
“Mind you, I was much skinnier then. All the clothes hung off me. My arms were skinnier than your legs when you were born, not a scrap of muscle on them.” I held my arm out in front of me to see the small curve of muscle in my upper arm. “Now look at me. It’s all that lifting of your fat head.”  
As if on cue Angus leaned his head down towards the fresh green grass. I caught him before his mouth reached the ground and hauled him back up.  
“Ay! None of that! How do you hope to carry me around if you’re not looking where you’re going? Now stand still.” I gathered the reins in my left hand on the front of the saddle, slotted my left foot into the stirrup and swung myself slowly onto the saddle, trying not to land too heavily. Angus stood perfectly still, his ears twitching slightly as I adjusted myself. I never trusted him when he was like this.  
“There now, that wasn’t so ba-” My words became a cry when Angus suddenly bolted forwards, breaking into a full gallop and charging towards the lake.  
“Angus! You damned monster! Woah! Easy lad!” I reined him in, pulling him in a tight circle until he slowed down. He finally came to a halt and gave his head an indignant shake, snorting in clear amusement.  
“You’re hysterical! You furry demon. Let’s try that again shall we?” I clicked my tongue and he walked forward calmly this time.  
“There we go, good lad. Soon you’ll be out riding with the others. Fíli and Kíli could come with Minty and Daisy. You’d like that.” I leaned down to pat his neck and his ears pricked forward. I smiled and looked up towards the fortress.

The sun was high enough now that the entire mountainside was illuminated in its light. It was truly beautiful. I used to feel very intimidated when I gazed upon it; the vastness and sheer impressiveness making me feel incredibly small, even as I was surrounded by dwarves. Despite the fact that I was taller than the vast majority of them (even if only by an inch or two) I was always very aware of the innate strength and power than came from them. Their stature alone made them a much sturdier folk, who could not be easily moved. They were such a fiercely proud race that one thing I was constantly worried about was offence. I had come to understand now that there was a lot I could not control in this regard. Many of the dwarves were offended simply by my existence; the guards from that horrible night being a prime example. Some were offended when I attempted to abide by their ways while others treated me with contempt when I distanced myself from them. There was no way to win.  
I had enough to keep me occupied now. Fíli and Kíli still sparred with me, rode with me and accompanied me to the tavern where I now had a fair few friends to meet. Then of course there were my duties with the ponies, and the odd occasion I was allowed to join the hunting parties. I was much more confident in my abilities now, and had met no real trouble other than the passing glares and snide comments, which I had grown used to now.  
“Aye,” I murmured. “I’m content now Angus.” He responded with a soft nicker.

_Dis_

“I think it’s a brilliant idea,” Dis said to her brother’s oldest friend. “It will make her a Longbeard by name and an official part of the family.”  
“She’ll be our cousin?” Kíli frowned slightly.  
“A…third cousin, I think,” Fíli corrected him, frowning as he worked it out in his head, the same expression his father made. “A welcome addition!”  
Dis noted the grin that slowly spread across her youngest son’s face and for a moment he looked so much like Frerin.  
“Now, hold on,” Thorin told his nephews. “Nothing’s decided yet. Dwalin, why would you want to take on that responsibility?”  
“I’ve already taken that responsibility Thorin, and gladly. All I want to do now is make it official.” Dwalin looked around at the four of them. “If she’s legally named as my family then she’s also under my protection and my status. She’ll be owed as much respect as any dam here and she’ll be held to the same standards.”  
“Has she expressed this wish to you?” Thorin asked.  
“Well, no. It was my idea, but I haven’t asked her yet. I didn’t want to unless I knew it was possible.”  
“I can’t see why it wouldn’t be,” Dis said with a small shrug. “There’s no law written that humans cannot be included into our clans.”  
“I doubt it was considered necessary,” Thorin said, raising an eyebrow.  
Dis huffed at the condescending expression on his face.  
“Dwarves have never included a member of another race into their clans before.”  
She only rolled her eyes at that remark. “We’ve barely spoken to members of another race in centuries. Nevertheless, Vana is as much a part of this family now as any other. I don’t see any problem in making it official.”  
“Nor I,” Fíli chimed in.  
“Nor I,” Kíli added.  
“And what if Vana should already have a family?” Thorin aimed the question at his nephews. “What if she would want to return to them?”  
Dis sighed as their faces fell; it was the question that had been plaguing the back of her mind for the last five years. What happens if Vana leaves us? If she goes home? If her home is on the other side of Middle Earth? She had a distinct feeling that her sons had either never considered this or had refused to from the way they gazed wide-eyed at their uncle.

_Vana_

“Go on Angus! Get on!” I kicked and flicked the reins over his shoulders until, finally, he threw up his head and sped into a trot. “Good lad!” I grinned and let him trot on for a few minutes before slowing him back to a walk.  
“Good to see you’re not a total waste of fur after all!” I grinned and patted his neck. He gave a low nicker which could have easily passed for a growl. “Oh shush! I jest! Blame Kíli, he’s the one who gave you to me.” I chuckled, thinking back to that day.  
Angus was only a pile of legs and Kíli was practically bouncing with excitement like a puppy who’d caught a scent. It never failed to puzzle me how, no matter what I was feeling, he was able to make me smile. When I lived in the royal quarters, plagued by nightmares and constant unease, he never failed in his attempts to distract me. When I moved out to live with Dwalin and Balin he supported my decision, despite his clear disappointment. And whenever he saw me, he always greeted me with a warm smile before anything else; a smile that made his face glow and his eyes sparkle with that familiar, friendly mischief. Kíli did have the loveliest smile…

_Kíli_

“Do you really think that’s going to happen?” his mother asked his uncle. “It’s been five years, Thorin, and not a soul has come looking for her. No messages, no search party, nothing. Don’t you think if she had a family out there we would’ve heard something by now?”  
_It was true. There had been no word about a missing girl from any of the human settlements around Ered Luin and the Shire. Anyone who loved her as a family should would have surely been searching all over the West for her._  
“She may yet remember and wish to search for them,” Thorin replied.  
_That was also true. She knew how to defend herself. She must have thought about it. She could leave with Angus and never look back. I may never see her again._  
“But what difference would it make for her to have a dwarvish braid?” Fíli asked. “There would be no law forcing her to stay.”  
Thorin had no answer for that, instead looking to Kíli and catching his eye. “What do you think about this Kíli?”  
Kíli’s eyes became fixed to the floor as he tried to find the right words for his thoughts – whatever they were.  
“I…” His voice came out in a hoarse whisper and he cleared his throat before trying again. “I don’t want her to leave. Do you really think she would leave?”  
“It’s possible Kíli -”  
“But there’s no reason for her to,” His mother cut him off. “She’s perfectly happy here. Has she expressed any of these thoughts to you personally?”  
“No, but -”  
“Then this is all mere speculation!” she cried. “There’s no need to talk about this. Let’s get back to the matter at hand. Is there anything preventing us from adopting her into the clan?” Thorin glared at her for a moment and then sighed.  
“Nothing that’s written.”  
“And what benefits will she gain from becoming a Longbeard?”  
“Solid protection under our laws,” Fíli said.  
“The right to earn proper wages and establish a living in the settlement,” Dwalin added.  
“A place among the dwarrowdams,” said Fíli. “She would be owed the same respect and treatment they are when it comes to employment, finances, courtship -”  
“What?” Kíli interrupted his brother, feeling his face grow hot to his horror. He knew he was blushing when he saw Fíli’s small smirk.  
“Well, so far it seems the benefits outweigh the risks,” Dis stated with a triumphant smile, though she looked curiously at her youngest son.  
“Kíli, you agree don’t you?” Fíli asked, earning a glare from his brother.  
“Yes,” he said, forcing his voice to remain calm. “I don’t want Vana to ever feel that she doesn’t belong here or that she has to leave eventually. This would show her that she is truly welcome here as long as she likes.”  
_And it would give her another reason to stay with me – with us_. He cleared his throat again, still feeling the heat flooding his face.

_Vana_

I left Angus outside the stables with a few carrots to munch while I put his tack away. The cart ponies were already in the stalls so I would inspect their feet first before catching the fillies. The sun was high now, and warm. I slung my coat over a bench and grabbed the waterskin. As much as the ponies were enjoyable company, looking after them was thirsty work, not to mention long. There was always so much to do. It never got boring, only repetitive.  
Boring was back when I had nothing to do during the day while Fíli and Kíli were working in the forges, accompanying Thorin to meetings or studying. I had nothing to look forward to except the odd day where we would go riding or the few hours of sparring. At least now I had a place to be during the day. It dawned on me that, while I had a job, a reason to get out of bed and strong bonds here – I had never actually set foot outside the settlement. On a few occasions now, Fíli and Kíli had joined escorts for merchants and travellers heading south for trade and were gone for months. When they returned that always had such an array of stories to tell that I was overcome with jealousy.  
There was also the fact that, while I was most certainly not a dwarf, I had no idea what the people outside of Ered Luin actually looked like. According to Balin, I was very small for a human. And then there were the curious race called ‘hobbits’ which were meant to be even smaller, and then the Elves, who fascinated me despite the dwarves’ obvious animosity towards them. As much as I had grown to love this place, I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was missing something, but every time I had asked to join an excursion, Dwalin had said no. 

_Fíli_

Fíli was more than keen for Dwalin’s idea. Vana had worked hard to integrate herself into their world, and she had become a fast friend to him over the years. He loved her like a sister and he knew his mother and uncle had come to care very deeply for her. And Dwalin, well, Fíli had never seen the gruff warrior so… dare he say it: soft-hearted? It seemed a natural progression, to him anyway, that she be officially adopted. He couldn’t imagine her being anything but happy with the idea. It would certainly please his little brother. Over the past seventy-two years, Kíli had never been hard to read – certainly not for him. He could see as clear as day that his brother held very deep feelings for Vana. He had never been the most subtle of dwarves, and he was very surprised to notice that Vana seemed to have no idea. If she were to leave, Kíli would be heartbroken, not mention bored out of his mind without her to distract him.

Fíli had accepted his role as heir a long time ago, along with the responsibilities and sacrifices it required. He spent his days almost exclusively with his uncle or Balin now; attending meetings, studying or working in the forges – his father’s old job. Kíli was required to join him most days, but there was much less pressure on him, and knowing how much his brother loved being outside (strange as this was) Fíli didn’t begrudge him being let off a lot more. Nevertheless, he felt guilty for abandoning Kíli, knowing how irritable he was when he was bored. But if Vana left, Kíli would become completely unbearable if he was also depressed and motiveless. The last trip they had done with the silverware merchants they had been delayed by early winter snows and Kíli had moped about missing Vana so much that the merchants had been tempted to sneak off without him once he’d fallen asleep.  
_Yes, if only for my sanity, Vana has to stay._

_Thorin_

This has never happened before, a human adopted into a dwarvish clan. Dwarves and humans have been known to coexist relatively harmoniously, such as in Dale and Erebor, and also in the Blue Mountains, but humans have also been known for their heartless and elitist treatment of dwarves. It would certainly create tension in the settlement, cause division of opinions, much like her arrival had done five years ago, but would it last? Would the unsettling prove irreversible? Would his people become used to her? Would this finally settle the dust and allow her some peace or make her more of a target? His comrade, who had shown very little compassion for humans at the best of times until this girl had come along, certainly seemed very determined. His sister had no objections. His nephews were almost childish in their excitement. He certainly had nothing but affection for her. She had worked hard to prove herself worthy of their respect and their good will, something that was not easy when it came to his race. According to Dwalin, Balin believed it could be done and that it could be met with support from his people. How could he say no?


	17. Hunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here we have Vana now officially a member of the Longbeard clan, with a braid and everything, and Fili and Kili decide to take her on an extended hunting trip to celebrate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains crazy weather (based on the good old grumpy Scottish climate), some fluff and the awkward fruitcake that is Fili.

_Vana_

The summer was almost over when we finally took that hunting trip. After the adoption ceremony, Fíli and Kíli all but disappeared for the best part of a fortnight. They practically lived in the forges and when they finally resurfaced they weren’t empty-handed. They showed up at Balin and Dwalin’s quarters just after dinner looking very pleased with themselves.  
Fíli had forged six small, flat-edged knives, each with a lightly bound leather handle – perfect for throwing. As well as this, he had fashioned six sheaths and fixed them onto a dark brown belt to keep them handy at my sides.  
Kíli had carved me the most beautiful bow, with a leather grip in the middle along with a dark green quiver of twenty arrows and a pair of leather gloves.  
“What’s all this?” I asked, unable to stop myself from beaming.  
“In honour of you officially becoming a Longbeard,” Fíli began, smirking slightly at my decidedly beardless face.  
“We thought you should have dwarvish weapons made in dwarven forges!” Kíli grinned.  
“By your fellow dwarves!” Fíli said, clapping me on the back hard enough to almost hurt.  
“What do you think?” Kíli asked, his eyes bright. I found myself staring dumbly at him before looking back to my new weapons on the kitchen table. I slowly picked up the bow, running my hand along its smooth edge and giving a small tug on the string. It was much lighter than the other bows I had used. I set it down and drew one of the knives, flipping it over and catching it.  
“I have no words…” I whispered, watching the metal catch the light.  
“'Thank you' would be a good start,” Fíli smirked.  
“You’re hilarious,” I jibed, setting the knife back in its sheath and wrapping an arm around each of their necks. “Thank you! I love them!”  
“I knew you would!” Kíli said with a delighted laugh, locking an arm briefly around my waist.  
“And that brings us to the other thing,” Fíli added and I stepped away from them with a mock frown.  
“An ulterior motive? Why am I not surprised?” I crossed my arms. “Out with it then, what are you after?”  
“How about a week of your time?” Fíli grinned. “We’re going north, following the deer, and we want you to come with us.”  
I stared wide-eyed at them both. “You want to take me on a hunting trip?”  
“We do indeed,” Kíli nodded.  
“Alone? Unsupervised?”  
“Are you worried about your reputation? Your virtue?” Fíli chuckled and I glared at him.  
“Well don’t you think highly of yourself,” I said flatly, raising an eyebrow. “Isn’t there some sort of rule that unmarried dwarves can’t be left alone together?”  
“Only if they’re courting,” Fíli corrected me. “And unless I’m mistaken, neither myself nor my brother have made any sort of advances.” He smirked and nudged his brother playfully.  
“Thank you, Fíli!” Kíli groaned, his face flushing dark red as he turned back to me. “Ignore him. Are you coming or not?”  
“Of course I’m coming!” I grinned. “As long as you’re sure?”  
“We are,” Fíli assured me. “Meet us tomorrow at sunrise?”

The next day we were riding out from the fortress just as the sun was climbing into the sky. The trees covered the paths in near darkness at first, the thick green canopy shielding us from the warm summer sun. As we made our way north, paths became tracks, overgrown with grass and weeds from lack of use. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky that day and only the smallest of breezes kept us from melting in the heat. The first night we spent beneath the trees at the foot of the mountain, singing and playing the fiddles that Kíli insisted on bringing.

The next afternoon we had finally reached the north-west side of the mountain and Kíli spotted tracks from the herd we were following. We tethered the ponies in a small clearing, grabbed our weapons and followed the tracks for a few hours until Fíli spotted one of the does grazing the leaves from a nearby tree. We watched as she ate the leaves off a low-hanging branch before taking a quick look around and wandering calmly further into the wood.  
“They’re resting nearby,” Fíli breathed.  
“So we come back tomorrow?” I asked in a hushed whisper.  
“Aye, then you and Kíli go around and herd them back this way while I set up some snares. Shoot a couple if you can.”  
“We’ll all be eating like kings when we return,” Kíli grinned as we turned to make our way back. “They’ll throw a feast in our honour.”  
“They do that anyway, you’re their princes,” I said, nudging him in the ribs.  
“Aye, but this time they’ll be celebrating you too! Oh, Vana, the epic huntress of Ered Luin.” He gave a low bow, gesticulating so much I had to protect my face.  
“Easy, your Highness!” I chuckled. They hated that title. “We still have to catch something!”  
“Until then, if my brother will stop showing off for the lady,” Fíli grinned and dodged a clenched fist from Kíli. “I plan to show you exactly how to handle those knives.”  
“Oh you’re going to impart all your glorious wisdom? How shall I ever repay such humble kindness?” Fíli smirked and opened his mouth to answer, only to find himself dodging another punch from Kíli.

The following day the sun disappeared completely. It was overcast with grey, miserable looking cloud and only a matter of time before the rain broke through. We moved the ponies further into the trees and tethered them under a thick canopy of leaves in the hope our things would stay dry. We then retraced our steps from the previous day back towards the herd but the delay in leaving the campsite meant that the deer had moved on. Kíli managed to track them and showed me how to spot the signs of their movement – footprints they left in the softer ground; broken twigs; plants they had nibbled clean; and of course the personal favourite, droppings.  
Within a few hours we had tracked them out of the woods and onto the mountainside. They were moving further up for the summer grasses that could grow thicker and greener without the cover of trees, which also only made it harder for us to stay hidden. The gentle breeze coming up from the south also meant our scent would be carried to them well before we got within shooting range, and so we were forced to take another detour so we were further north, downwind from the herd. Rather than heading back into the woods, I suggested we climb onto the lower paths of the mountain and cross above their heads, to avoid them smelling or seeing us as well as saving time. Kíli seemed keen for this but Fíli was more hesitant, what with the skies growing steadily darker. In the end we convinced him it would be better to try and be as quick as possible and we made our way onto the mountainside. As we were making our way over the paths, of course, the rains began. Mahal had clearly been saving the summer storms for a special occasion because his timing could not have been better.  
It was a long run back to the cover of trees, but this idea was rendered obsolete by the addition of thunder and lightning to the situation. We were now trapped on the mountainside. The winds had picked up and were blowing the rain hard against our backs, leaving us cold and wet within minutes. With no real idea of where to go, we trudged on along the path until finally Fíli yelled and pointed further along the path.  
“There! Shelter!” He was right in front of me and still I barely heard him over the drumming of thunder and the sharp slaps of rain against the rocks. I followed his finger and found it – a small cave, barely a dent in the side of the mountain, but enough to keep us out of this rain. We sprinted towards and threw ourselves inside, sighing in relief from the battering we were receiving from the elements.  
“Take the mountain paths, she said,” Fíli groaned, glaring at me. “I knew we should have doubled back.”  
“Don’t blame me!” I slid to the floor, pulling my sodden coat off. “I didn’t ask for it to rain!”  
“Just for Mahal to exercise his sense of humour,” he muttered, glancing back out into the rain.  
“At least we’re not trying to take cover from lightning in the trees,” I glowered. “As we would if we’d followed your advice.”  
“Will the two of you stop?” Kíli groaned, taking my coat from me and laying on the ground to dry alongside his. “We’re going to be here for a while, so we might as well get comfortable.”  
“Aye, I think I spotted some dry firewood further back,” Fíli said, heading towards the back of the cave. He gathered the few twigs and branches before spotting something that made him grin widely. “Look here!” He exclaimed, picking up a pile of thickly cut logs from behind a rock. “Someone’s obviously left this here.”  
“Who would leave firewood here?” Kíli asked, setting up a stone circle for the campfire.  
“Other hunters?” His brother suggested, carrying a small pile of the wood over to us. “Perhaps even Rangers? Though I’m not sure they would come this far west.”  
“See? My route is recommended!” I smirked at the older prince, who shook his head slightly at me, but kept on smiling. I stood to bring more of the wood and set it in a small pile next to the fire Kíli was assembling. I looked back out to the pouring rain and suddenly became very aware of the cold  
“It doesn’t look like we’re leaving here soon.”  
“We’ll probably be here all night.” Fíli replied.  
“What about the ponies?” I asked, suddenly worried for Angus. This was his first real excursion after all.  
“They’ll be fine,” Kíli said, laying a gentle hand on my arm. I looked down and noticed that he’d removed his leather gloves. Even through the damp material of my shirt his skin was warm. “They’re tough, dwarven ponies. They can look after themselves.” He grinned at me and the effect was immediate; my worries thinned and I returned his smile. Then Fíli cleared his throat and he removed his hand.  
“I don’t suppose there’s a chance you two brought any food?”  
“I have some apples in my pocket,” I offered, retrieving them. “They were supposed to be for the ponies.”  
“I have half a loaf of bread,” Kíli reached into his coat and brought out his slightly squashed loaf. “Just in case we got hungry whilst out.”  
“Sliced apples and bread,” Fíli nodded, trying to start the fire with his hunting knife and flint. “Not exactly what I was planning on eating tonight, but given the circumstances I’m sure it will do.”  
“At least there’s no meat to attract any bears,” Kíli shrugged.  
“Bears?” My eyes widened at the thought. “There are bears here?”  
“Aye, but they won’t bother us if we keep the fire going,” Fíli assured me. He grinned to himself as he finally got the fire started and the flames licked up. I immediately stretched my arms out and extended my hands over the growing fire, sighing at the warmth flooding through my fingertips.  
“We should get out of these clothes,” I heard Kíli say and I turned to him with a raised eyebrow.  
“I beg your pardon?” Instantly, his face flushed dark red and he averted his eyes, apparently looking anywhere but at me.  
“I mean, just our coats and socks and things! Not all of our – you don’t have to – just until they dry – uh -” His mutterings were drowned out by Fíli’s laughter. I couldn’t help but smirk slightly as Kíli’s guilty expression.  
Finally, Fíli managed to steady his breathing enough to clap his little brother on the shoulder before looking at me. “Good thinking Vana,” he smirked. “Leading us onto a mountain in a storm, getting us all soaked so we have to take our clothes off to avoid illness. I see what you’re doing!”  
It was my turn to blush.  
“Excuse me!” I cried, flinching at how high-pitched my voice went. “I didn’t -! You -! Oh shut your mouth!” I glared at the two of them laughing at me. Kíli’s face was slowly returning to its normal colour.

It wasn’t long before it was dark and the fire became our only source of light. Our coats, tunics, shoes and socks all lay on the floor of the cave to dry, leaving us in our shirts and trousers, all of which were still fairly damp. The fire kept us warm, but the rain and wind outside created an extremely gloomy atmosphere, making us all too aware of the surrounding cold. I looked out of the mouth of the cave again and sighed. The stars and moon were completely obscured by the clouds.  
“I feel as if we should do something,” Kíli said. “Keep our minds off the storm.”  
“What do you suggest?” I asked, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging them tightly, trying to retain any sort of warmth.  
“Stories? Songs? Dancing? Anything really.”  
“Go on then Kee,” Fíli nudged him playfully. “Dance for us.”  
“You’re hysterical,” Kíli said flatly before turning to me. “Come on Vana, you must have a song for us?”  
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, resting my head on my knees and trying to think of something.  
“Anything will do,” Fíli said.  
“Though something cheerful would be preferable,” Kíli added.  
“Alright, alright, give me a minute!” I chuckled and the two of them shut their mouths finally, waiting patiently. “How about the one those merchants from last month sang? A Wife in Every Port?”  
“Good choice!” Kíli grinned. “Fee, you start.”  
Fíli shook his head slightly at his brother. before clearing his throat and beginning the song in his rich voice.

 _“I'm sailin' awa' in the morning, I'm sailing awa' on the tide_  
_And when I return again, lassie, will ye be m'bride?_  
 _Will ye be m'bride, m'boys, will ye be m'bride?_  
 _And when I return again, lassie, will ye be m'bride?”_

Kíli and I laughed delightedly as I straightened up and began the next verse.

 _“Laddie, I will wait for you as long as m'life_  
_Laddie, I will wait for you and I'll be a sailor's wife_  
 _I'll be a sailor's wife, m'boys, I'll be a sailor's wife_  
 _Laddie, I will wait for you and I'll be a sailor's wife.”_

I nodded at Kíli who grinned widely as he began the next verse.

 _“Oh the sun, it shone, and the wind, it blew, and the ship sailed out to sea_  
_When she caught the eye of a soldier lad who was standing on the quay_  
 _Standing on the quay, m'boys, standing on the quay_  
 _She caught the eye of a soldier lad who was standing on the quay._

_And the storm, it raged, and the cannons roared, and driving was the rain_   
_After twelve months at the sea, he was homeward bound again._   
_Homeward bound again, m'boys, homeward bound again_   
_After twelve months at the sea, he was homeward bound again.”_

Then it was my turn again and I pretended to look at Fíli with a guilty expression.

_“And there he met me at the docks with a baby in me arms_   
_I said, "I'm sorry, my sailor lad, but I fell for a soldier's charms"_   
_I fell for a soldier's charms, m'boys, I fell for a soldier's charms_   
_I said, "I'm sorry, my sailor lad, but I fell for a soldier's charms"_

Fíli grinned and laid a joking hand on my shoulder.

_“"Don't you worry, m'bonnie lass," was the sailor's bold retort_   
_"Don't you worry, m'bonnie lass, I've a wife in every port"_   
_A wife in every port, m'boys, a wife in every port_   
_Don't you worry, m'bonnie lass, I've a wife in every port.””_

_“A wife in every port, m'boys, a wife in every port  
Don't you worry, m'bonnie lass, I've a wife in every port!”_

We all shared the final verse and finished the song with a laugh.  
“Well, neither of us came off well there,” Fíli grinned at me.  
“You’re right, Fíli,” I nodded with a mock sigh. “It was never meant to be. I suggest we remain friends.”  
“Good idea,” he chuckled and looked over at Kíli who was frowning slightly through a strained smile.  
“Perhaps another song then?” he said, looking pointedly at me.  
“Why am I always the one who has to think of songs?”  
“Because you have the best singing voice,” Fíli said.  
“And you know more songs than us,” Kíli added.  
“Alright, I think I have one.” I said, straightening up.

“ _Your eyes they tie me down so hard_  
 _I'll never learn to put up a guard_  
 _So keep my love, my candle bright_  
 _Learn me hard, oh learn me right_

_This ain't no sham_   
_I am what I am_

_Though I may speak some tongue of old_   
_Or even spit out some holy word_   
_I have no strength from which to speak_   
_When you sit me down, and see I'm weak_

_We will run and scream_   
_You will dance with me_   
_They'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free_   
_And we will be who we are_   
_And they'll heal our scars_   
_Sadness will be far away_

_So as we walked through fields of green_   
_Was the fairest sun I'd ever seen_   
_And I was broke, I was on my knees_   
_And you said yes as I said please_

_This ain't no sham_   
_I am what I am_   
_I leave no time_   
_For a cynic's mind_

_We will run and scream_   
_You will dance with me_   
_Fulfill our dreams and we'll be free_   
_We will be who we are_   
_And they'll heal our scars_   
_Sadness will be far away_

_Do not let my fickle flesh go to waste_   
_As it keeps my heart and soul in its place_   
_And I will love with urgency but not with haste.”_

There was a beat of silence after I finished in which both princes stared at me. I shifted uncomfortably and avoided their gaze until finally Fíli spoke first.  
“You know I can’t quite decide if that was cheerful or sad?”  
“Me neither,” Kíli said, still looking curiously at me.  
“It’s both really,” I attempted to shrug but at that moment the cold hit me and I shivered violently.  
“How are we ever going to sleep like this?”  
Fíli reached over to his coat and felt the material. “My coat’s still damp.”  
“Mine too,” I said.  
“And mine.” Kíli added.  
“My socks are dry, thank Mahal!” I said, pulling them on.  
“We’ll have to make sure the fire keeps going,” said Fíli, throwing on another two logs.  
“I don’t mind staying up first,” Kíli offered. “I’m not very tired.”  
“Make you sure you wake me when you are,” Fíli told him, rolling his tunic up before lying down and placing it under his head. “Vana, come here.”  
“What?”  
“You need to sleep in between us.” I stared blankly at him, thinking I hadn’t heard him correctly. Kíli frowned at him, looking equally confused.  
“And why is that?” I asked.  
“Because you’re human and you don’t produce as much body heat as we do,” Fíli said and I swore I saw him wink at his brother. “So you’ll need to share ours.”  
“I’m almost completely sure that Dwalin would cut your tongue out if he could hear this.”  
“You’re quite mistaken!” he chuckled. “Dwalin is an expert at surviving in the wild. He and my uncle have had to get much closer than is comfortable on more than one occasion to survive through the night. Though, if you tell him I told you that he will almost definitely cut my tongue out.”  
“Your secret is safe with me, I assure you,” I muttered, trying to shake any images out of my head as I made my way around to them.  
“Come on, Kee,” Fíli waved at him. “You’ll have to get closer than that.”  
“Fíli,” Kíli shot his brother a warning look and I saw his face was flushing dark red again.  
“It’s for survival purposes little brother!” Fíli protested. “You wouldn’t want our companion to freeze to death would you?”  
“No…” Kíli muttered, shuffling closer to us.  
“I’m not that repulsive am I?” I quipped and Kíli shook his head, still not looking directly at me.  
“Not in the slightest.”  
“That’s good to know,” I grinned, settling down beside Fíli who had rolled over with his back to me.  
“Feel free to steal as much of my body heat as possible,” he said.  
“Is it possible to get the heat without the smell?” I jibed as I pressed my hands against his back. He really was incredibly warm.  
“That’s no way to speak to a prince,” he chuckled. Behind me I could hear Kíli prodding at the fire, encouraging the flames to pick up.

_Kíli_

They were both sleeping soundly now, he could tell by their slow, steady breathing. The fire was still crackling away happily and outside the storm was finally passing. The winds had died down and the rain was falling softly now. As well as that, the clouds appeared to be passing and now he could see some of the stars. Kíli had never particularly cared for the stars. He had no aversion to them, he simply didn’t think anything of them beyond acknowledging their existence. Vana, though, loved the stars. It was something that quite surprised him, though he wasn’t sure why. They had been walking back from the tavern, a few months ago now, and she had looked up at the sky and smiled. He couldn’t remember what they had spoken about beforehand, nor the songs they had sung in the tavern, nor who had won the drinking that night, but he remembered every detail of that moment.  
Her head had tilted upwards as if drawn to something and her eyes had widened slightly. He had seen small glimmers of light reflected in them as the corners of her mouth quirked up and her lips slowly parted in a wide smile.  
“Beautiful isn’t it?” she had said and Kíli had agreed before realising she was talking about the stars.  
He shook his head slightly at the memory. _You’re a fool, Kíli. A bloody fool._  
His mother had spoken to them on a few occasions about this.  
“Dwarves are a hard and stubborn folk,” she had said. “When they love they love just so. You have only one heart to give, so choose as wisely as you can.”  
If there was one thing he was truly terrible at it was choosing wisely.  
He knew vaguely of what it meant to love somebody, from what his mother had told him about their father, but how could he be sure? He glanced down at Vana once again. She was utterly peaceful, her expression soft, her breathing slow, even as she shuffled slightly closer to Fíli, her arm creeping around his waist as she nuzzled into his warmth. A pang went through his heart at the sight, though he couldn’t tell exactly what it was. For the briefest of moments he hated his older brother, envied him, wished he was there instead. _Mahal, you are such a fool…_  
He turned back to stare at the flames, watching them die down slightly before he gently threw another log on and stoked it back to life. A rustle caught his attention and he turned to see Vana rolling onto her other side, settling back to sleep with a small, content moan. The sight made Kíli smile in spite of himself and he felt the small fluttering in his stomach that he had begun to expect every time she made him smile, even when she wasn’t meaning to.  
_It’s impossible,_ he attempted to tell himself. _She’s human. Is it even possible for a dwarf to love a human? There’s certainly no chance she would love me back. And then there’s the fact that she’ll be lucky to make it to eighty while I could still live another two centuries._

The thought made Kíli’s smile fade completely. He realised he had never considered that before; Vana had a human lifespan, an almost pitifully small number of years to live. He knew of dwarves that lived to see three hundred, but he had never heard of a human having a hundredth birthday. Vana had already lived twenty years, a quarter of her life. By the time she reached eighty Kíli would be 132 years old, not even halfway through his life.  
He gasped as he suddenly found tears in his eyes, feeling his heart beating hard against his chest as he was flooded with images of her as an old woman, of her deathbed, of his life without her. He almost didn’t notice her eyes opening, and blinked hard to make sure he wasn’t imagining it. She stared up at him and he found himself staring back, all of his will power going towards keeping his breathing steady. She beckoned him closer and he hesitantly lay down next to her, his eyes never leaving hers.  
“Are you alright?” She whispered, barely audible above the soft crackle of the flames. Kíli swallowed hard before nodding.  
“Fine. The smoke got to my eyes is all.”  
She nodded once and he couldn’t tell if she believed him or not. “Do you want me to take over so you can sleep?”  
“No, no, I’m fine,” he said, attempting to smile.  
“Alright, I can stay up with you for a while, if you prefer?”

“I would prefer you to sleep,” he whispered, smiling genuinely this time. “How else are you going to hope to shoot any deer tomorrow?”  
“Your support, as always, is treasured my Prince,” she rolled her eyes, before yawning deeply and covering her mouth. “Sorry,” she mumbled through it.  
“It’s alright,” he said, still smiling at her. She hummed slightly and settled back down. "Vana?"  
"Yes?"  
"What did that song mean?"  
Her sleepy gaze travelled back to his and she studied him for a moment before answering.  
"It means you need to be true to who you are before you can find love and happiness, and that your flaws don't define you, but are merely one aspect of yourself."  
He held her gaze as she spoke, nodding slightly as his eyes flitted down to her lips and back up again.  
"That's a very wise view."  
"Indeed," she smiled slightly before another yawn broke through.  
“Please, go back to sleep.” he smiled at her once more.  
She nodded, her eyes already fluttering shut and he watched her hand reach out slightly to wrap around his.  
“I’ll be here all night,” she murmured, squeezing his hand slightly and he thought his heart might pound right out of his chest. Her hand was warm and soft and he could feel the small callouses on her fingers from years of riding, shooting and playing her fiddle. He wanted to bring those fingers up to his lips and kiss them one by one. He wanted to hold her hand forever. Hardly daring to breathe, he mouthed the words he longed to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The two songs are:  
> A Wife in Every Port - Old Blind Dogs  
> Not With Haste - Mumford & Sons


	18. Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost there! One more to go (that may or may not be split into two parts depending on how editing goes). Anyhow, this is an extra long one.  
> Another time-hop; we are now seven years after Vana was found, and Thorin has decided she's ready to play a bigger role in the kingdom. Plus a familiar face enters the works.

_Vana_

I walked onto the sparring grounds only to be faced with a scene that made me stop dead. Where there were normally a dozen or so other dwarves and dwarrowdams sparring, there were now well over a hundred spectators gathered around the edge of the grounds, watching me expectantly; and instead of Dwalin waiting for me with his axes at the ready, Thorin Oakenshield now stood in the middle of the grands, his hand balanced loosely on the hilt of his sword, standing upright on the ground. I frowned slightly and looked around me, searching for any form of explanation. Fíli and Kíli stood near the back of the grounds, along with Ori, Nori, Gimli, Bofur and Bofur’s cousin, Bifur. They all nodded at me and Ori even gave me a small wave, but no words. Nearer to me, Dwalin, Balin and Dis were smiling to themselves, with Dwalin nodding for me to come forward.

“Vana,” Thorin’s deep baritone echoed across the grounds. I turned to face him, feeling as though I was in one of those nightmares where you look down suddenly to realise you’re naked in front of everyone you know. I even glanced down at myself just to make sure.  
“I’ve been hearing some great tales of your abilities with a weapon,” Thorin spoke loudly and clearly, making sure everyone could hear, and I swore I could see a small smirk creeping over his face, despite his efforts to remain composed and kingly. “Dwalin has been singing your praises lately, as have my nephews. So today, I challenge you.”  
I blinked, staring at him stupidly. I had only rarely seen Thorin spar, but I knew he was an expert swordsman. He had well over a century’s worth of training over me, he had fought in wars and battles, had even earned himself a title. For the love of Mahal, he fought off a giant Gundabad orc with a broken branch! With an expertly fluid move he flipped his sword up, twirling it once in his right hand and pointing the blade at me.  
“Do you accept?”  
_Of course I don’t! You’ll slaughter me!_  
I glanced around at the crowd and saw my own thoughts plainly etched on their faces. Many of the dwarves present were guards and soldiers, some of whom I had sparred with before. Some I had beaten, others I hadn’t, but they all knew I was no match for Thorin. Then I saw the ones who not only shared my thoughts, but revelled in them; the smirks and the gleeful, silent jeers.  
With a deep breath I walked towards Thorin with as much confidence as I could muster. The sword in my hand had been a gift from Dwalin, who had forged it himself, in honour of my adoption two years ago. It was lighter than the other swords I had sparred with, and slimmer, but still heavy enough to require two hands. I stopped a few paces in front of Thorin, never breaking eye contact, and raised my blade in one hand to cross with his.  
“I accept.”  
A small cheer rose from the crowd, along with several jeers in Khuzdul that I was pretty sure I could understand. As if they were required; I was all too aware I had no chance against Thorin Oakenshield.

We lowered our blades and began to circle each other. Any trace of amusement faded from Thorin’s face and he now looked at me with no expression save his dark, penetrating gaze. He seemed to be studying my every move, looking for weak spots, like a predator analysing its prey. I fought to keep my face straight but I was completely sure the trepidation in my eyes was clear for all to see. Our gaze never broke even as Balin’s commanding voice echoed across the grounds.  
“This duel is to disarm only, standard rules apply. At the sound of the drum you may begin.”  
In the few moments before the drum, all I could hear was my slowed, attempted steady breathing and my heart thundering in my ears. I gripped my sword in both hands and forced my legs to relax. Then the drum sounded.

Normally in challenged duels, the crowd begin to take bets and shout support or abuse as soon as the drum sounds, but this time they were quiet, and the only sounds that reached my ears were Thorin’s heavy footsteps and the ring of his sword as he raced towards me, swinging his blade through the air. I blocked his attack to my left side and spun away, swinging my sword up towards his chest before quickly changing direction and going for his leg. He blocked it without hesitation and made a counter attack before I could even take a breath. I blocked him and his following four attacks before dodging a swing at my chest and ducking out of the way, backing up a few steps to resettle the hold on my sword. Thorin’s attacks weren’t as forceful as I expected, but he had the knack for attacking with both strength and speed. There was no way I could beat him on speed alone, so I was going to have to be sneaky.  
I began to circle him once more, trying to never stay in one place as he launched more attacks at me. I came at him from all sides, trying to sneak my sword in between his own weapon and his body, but each time he dodged and blocked me. He seemed to have no weak points. It didn’t take long before my wrists were aching from the force of his parries. I misjudged one attack and ended up losing grip on my sword with my right hand, leaving my right side open completely. He charged towards me and I instinctively ducked, crouching down so he barrelled into me, falling headfirst over me and landing heavily on his back with a groan.  
I stood up, regaining my hold and attempting to knock his sword from his hand but his blade met mine and he swung his leg against mine, knocking me flat on my back. The moment of shock was quickly thrown aside when he sprang up and swung his sword heavily down towards me. I rolled out of the way and managed to get on one knee before having to block another of his attacks.  
He was relentless, swinging his sword at me again and again, never allowing me to get to my feet until finally I dodged an attack and grabbed his forearms, pulling as hard as I could so he fell over me again, landing on his side. As he went down his knee connected sharply with my ribs and I grunted in pain. We both got to our feet and began to circle each other once again. I was breathing hard, trying to keep my hands from cramping by flexing my fingers a few times. Thorin’s eyes were almost black, his mind completely focused in the fight, and he charged at me once again swinging an attack towards my left side. I went to block but then his attack was suddenly against my other side and I only just blocked him in time. He was feinting, trying to trick me.  
It was only as I realised this that he spun swinging his sword towards my shoulder. I brought my sword up to block him but the momentum reverberated all the way through my arms and when he swung again I wasn’t ready. His blade met mine and before I could blink he swung both blades around, sending my sword spinning to the ground before whipping the point of his sword up to the hollow of my throat. I winced at the feel of the cold metal, and sighed in defeat, looking towards Thorin who I could see was panting himself.  
“Dead,” he said and immediately his mouth quirked up into a smirk again – incredibly similar to Fíli’s.  
“Dead,” I agreed. The crowd erupted into cheers once again and Thorin lowered his sword, flipping it into his left hand before extending his right arm towards me. I nodded politely and gripped his forearm.  
“Well fought,” he said, his smile growing warmer.  
“You too,” I said, feeling as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. “I may be a little late in asking, but why exactly did you challenge me?”  
“I just wanted to see how your training was paying off,” he said, dropping my hand. “I’m surprised you didn’t know. It’s been spreading like wildfire over the past week.”  
“It never reached me,” I replied, leaning down to pick up my sword from where it had fallen. “But then I suppose that was the point.”  
“Indeed,” Thorin nodded. “When you’re ready, meet me in my study. There’s something I want to discuss with you.”  
I looked at him in confusion but he offered no further explanation and left the grounds. The crowd was beginning to filter out as well, several of them swapping pouches of coins. Before too long Fíli, Kíli, Ori and Gimli reached my side and I received several claps on the shoulders.  
“Nice fight!” Kíli said with his token grin.  
“Aye,” Fíli agreed. “Thorin’s a tough opponent. I thought you’d last half as long as you did.”  
“I’ve always valued your support, Fíli,” I chuckled, rolling my eyes at the blonde. I smiled at the various compliments I received for my perseverance, but in the back of my mind lingered Thorin’s orders to speak with him. As much as I respected him and was fond of him, I was always very aware that he was a king.

_Thorin_

Thorin entered his study to find Dwalin and Dis already waiting. He smiled in greeting and closed the heavy oak door behind him.  
“A good fight, Thorin!” Dwalin said with a broad grin. “Didn’t I tell yeh?”  
“You did,” Thorin acknowledged with a smile. “I never expected any less of her.”  
“But do you really think she’s ready?” Dis asked, the concern clear on her face.  
“As ready as your sons were,” he replied, though his words didn’t seem to ease her mind. “She’ll be fine, sister. She can look after herself by now.”  
“She may still say no.”  
“I doubt it. It’s been seven years now. She wants to see the world.”  
“She won’t be alone, Dis,” Dwalin said softly. “I’ll be with her. Just as I was for yer sons.”  
A knock at the door brought them to attention just before the door eased open and Vana entered, dressed in a fresh shirt, tunic and trousers.  
“You wanted to see me Thorin?” she asked with a glance at Dwalin and Dis.  
“Aye, please come in.” She nodded and closed the door, walking forward stiffly until she stood in front of them. He could see that she was nervous but trying to keep a straight face.  
“Have I done something? Has something happened?” she asked in a quiet voice.  
“Don’t worry, nothing’s wrong,” Thorin assured her with a small laugh and she visibly relaxed though she still appeared confused. “I wanted to tell you that you fought extremely well today. You were quick on your feet, using your strengths and taking advantage of my weaknesses. You’ve become an excellent fighter in a relatively short period of time and we’re all very proud of you.”  
She stared at him, apparently stunned, for a few moments before her face flushed and she nodded.  
“Thank you, Thorin.”  
“You’re welcome,” he smiled. “I also wanted to make you an offer.”  
“An offer?”  
“There’s a merchant train leaving Ered Luin next week, a mix of Dwarves and Men trading in silverware for furs. They’re travelling south to Rohan and, if the weather and their wares hold, into Gondor and then heading back. It’s a long job – four or five months at least, probably more. I want you to join the escort, journey with them at least as far as the Gap of Rohan and when they have found replacements, head back to Ered Luin with a full report.”  
He watched her closely as he spoke, noticing the glint in her eye when he mentioned Rohan and the excited smile slowly breaking across her face. When he finished speaking she was beaming.  
“You want me to be an escort? To protect the merchants and journey into the realm of Men?”  
“And then return to us, I hope,” he nodded, unable to stop himself returning her smile. “You will be travelling with eight other soldiers, including Dwalin. Most of the merchants can wield a sword or axe, including the women, but against a large group of attackers they would be lucky to last a night. There’s hardly ever any real threats, the odd group of bandits or cut-throats, but you never know.”  
“There’s no need to agree to anything you don’t want to do, lass,” Dis chimed in. “Thorin is only offering you a choice, not issuing an order.”  
“Absolutely.” Her enthusiasm was on the verge of boiling over and she seemed unable to keep the smile off her face. “I won’t let you down Thorin, I’ll take it completely seriously, I promise.”  
“Good,” he nodded. “Inform the stablemaster and make your preparations. You leave on Monday.”  
She nodded and began to back out of the room. “Of course, right away! Thank you Thorin. Thank you so much!” She grinned and practically ran out of the room and Thorin exchanged an amused chuckle with Dwalin at the sound of her excited laugh.  
“I told you she’d take it well,” he grinned.  
“Aye,” Dwalin nodded. “I’ll be very interested to see how she goes.”  
“You will make sure she’s safe won’t you?” Dis said pointedly.  
“Of course I will, as I promised when I adopted her.” Dwalin looked Dis right in the eye as he spoke, laying a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Try not to worry. I’ll get her back in one piece.”  
Dis nodded, but still looked unconvinced.  
“Will you finally admit to it then, sister?” Thorin asked with a knowing smirk.  
“Admit to what exactly?” “That you’ve grown fond of our human?”  
Dis only rolled her eyes. “I worry for my sons. What would Fíli think if the woman he loves as his sister were to die on the side of the road? And Kíli? How do you think he’s going to react when she tells him she’s leaving?” She raised an incredulous eyebrow.  
“He’ll survive a few months without her,” Thorin replied with a small shrug. “It’ll be good for him.”  
“You think that, brother, if it comforts you,” she smirked. Thorin only glowered in response.  
“What're yeh two talking about?” Dwalin asked with a frown.  
“Nothing for you to worry about Dwalin,” Dis told him.  
“Aye, now if the two of you would please excuse me I have some treasury reports to read.”

An hour later and Thorin realised he had read the same paragraph twice, reaffirming his ever present hatred for reports and anything that had to be written on parchment instead of fought out or argued over a large mug of ale. He leant back in his chair and rubbed a hand over his face, trying to wake himself up. He needn’t have bothered, seeing as at that very moment his door swung open and his youngest nephew stampeded in with a thunderous expression.  
“Uncle!” he cried, slamming his fists on the desk. “Why are you sending Vana away? How could you?!”  
Swallowing the instinct to grab his sword that had arisen when he heard the door bang, Thorin took a deep breath to calm his nerves before responding.  
“Close the door, Kíli.”  
His tone left no room for questions and Kíli huffed before walking back to do as he was asked. He then turned around to glare at his uncle and Thorin had to suppress the desire to roll his eyes.  
“Stop looking at me as if I’m sending you to your room without dinner like a child. And don’t ever think you can come storming in here like that. What if I had been in a meeting?”  
The anger on his nephew’s face faded a little as his face flushed.  
“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “That was a stupid thing to do.”  
“Yes,” Thorin nodded, leaning forward in his seat. “Now what did you want to ask me?”  
“You know exactly what!” Kíli hissed, storming forwards until he was right in front of his uncle. “You’re sending Vana away! Why?”  
“I am not sending her away. I asked her to assist on an escort mission, not that it’s any of your business.” He raised an eyebrow as Kíli’s face flushed again.  
“It is! She’s…my friend, and you’re sending her away. What if the caravan’s attacked? What if she gets hurt?”  
“You know as well as I that Vana is more than capable of defending herself.”  
“What if she doesn’t come back?” Kíli demanded with a manic look.  
“She’ll be fine,” Thorin said with an exhausted expression. “She can fight, and besides Dwalin will be with her in the unlikely event that she requires help.”  
Kíli had no answer for this except to stare at Thorin, his eyes almost black with rage. Thorin waited for his breathing to calm a little before leaning back in his chair and studying his nephew properly.  
“That’s not why you’re worried, is it?”  
“What do you mean?” Kíli grunted, his eyes narrowing.  
“You’re afraid that she’ll stay with the Men.” To this statement Kíli made no answer other than to avert his eyes, clenching his jaw as if to stop himself from speaking. Thorin waited patiently for a few minutes before Kíli spoke again in a soft voice, almost a rasp.  
“I don’t want her to leave.”  
“Why?” Thorin asked, keeping his face straight, daring his nephew to confirm his suspicions.  
“She’s my friend,” Kíli said flatly. “She’s a part of our family. She has no one else.”  
“You don’t know that.”  
Kíli‘s eyes found his again, his face hard.  
“Then where are they? If she has a family, they’re not worthy of the name. They certainly don’t care about her enough to find her.”  
“They may think she’s dead.”  
“But they can’t be sure! They would’ve searched to the ends of the earth for her if they loved her like she deserves!”  
“You can’t be the judge of that Kíli. If Vana does have an existing family, and if she does happen to run into them on this trip, why should she not go back to them if she wants to?”  
“Because -”  
“Because what, Kíli? There’s not supposed to be an answer to that question.”  
He sighed internally at the sight of Kíli actually shaking with anger.  
“Because we’re her family! We took her in, we looked after her, taught her how to fight, lo-!” He stopped himself with a shake of his head. “She needs to stay.”  
“That’s not your decision to make Kíli,” Thorin said firmly. “Have you spoken to her about this?”  
Kíli regarded him for a moment before shaking his head.  
“Then what makes you think she has any intention of leaving us permanently?”  
He received no answer at first, instead he watched his nephew play with a loose thread on his sleeve. Finally, Kíli looked down at the floor and murmured something indiscernible.  
“What was that?”  
“She’s never felt like she truly belongs here. Even after the adoption, she still feels out of place. And it still haunts her that she can’t remember a single thing about her life before.”  
“Would you rather she keep living like that?”  
“If it’s an alternative to something worse, then yes.”  
“But how can you know that?” Kíli sighed exasperatedly, burying his face in his hands before looking back to his uncle.  
“Put me on this trip.”  
“Excuse me?” Thorin’s eyebrows almost disappeared into his hair. He hadn’t received orders in well over a century.  
“Please,” Kíli amended quickly, looking at his uncle with pleading eyes. “Let me go too, just to make sure she’s safe. I promise if she truly wants to leave I won’t stop her, and I won’t be overprotective or overbearing. I just want to protect her.”  
“I don’t know Kíli -”  
“Please, uncle? I’ll go mad here wondering if she’s alright. Please let me go?” Thorin regarded his nephew for a few moments. Kíli had never liked having braids in his hair, only deigning to wear his customary Durin beads on official and special occasions. His hair was unruly and wild, much like he was, and his eyes were wide and fiery. In that moment Thorin saw so much of his own brother in Kíli that he felt his throat catch. The only difference was the colour of his eyes – Frerin had deep blue eyes, the Durin eyes, shared by himself, Dis and Fíli. There had been no stopping Frerin either, when he wanted something. Kíli was older than Frerin was at the battle, and he had returned unscathed from his last few trips. Then there was Dwalin. He would be there, and Thorin trusted his oldest friend with everything he had. With a long sigh, Thorin slowly nodded.  
“You may go.”  
“Thank you,” Kíli said, visibly relaxing. “I promise I won’t let you down.”  
Thorin smiled slightly at the familiar words. _When will they both realise?_  
“You will do everything Dwalin tells you. And in the highly unlikely event that Vana decides not to return, you will respect any decisions she makes.”  
“Yes, uncle.” Kíli nodded grimly and began to leave.  
“And Kíli?” The young prince looked back at him.  
“If you ever shout at me again, I will put you on guard duty every night for the whole winter.”  
Clearly suppressing a smile, Kíli nodded once more before leaving, being sure to close the door quietly.

**_A few months later_ **

_Kíli_

The days were growing shorter with winter on the way. It was still many weeks away yet but Kíli knew they would have to speed their return to Ered Luin somehow to avoid the snows. They hadn’t faced any trouble so far on the road, not even a pack of wolves, and for that Kíli was grateful. He was even more grateful that his worries about Vana now seemed unfounded. She was unfazed by the Men present in the villages they had passed through as well as those in the caravan. She chatted happily with both the men and the women and even sang for them most nights around the campfire. She had convinced Kíli to bring his fiddle as she was bringing hers (a gift from his mother) but he found that he couldn’t keep up with her when she really got going. He didn’t mind at all; he enjoyed playing but he preferred to listen to her. A few other guards and some of the merchants also played instruments and subsequently the trip was much merrier than many he had been on before. Being out in the open air was definitely doing her the world of good. She was ecstatic to finally see the rest of the world and Kíli enjoyed sharing his experiences with her, having travelled this road a fair few times before. Dwalin seemed delighted – a word Kíli rarely associated with the old warrior – that Vana was enjoying herself. He insisted they spar every evening after setting up camp and made sure to stay up on watch with her whenever it was her turn. As much as Kíli appreciated Dwalin’s company and his protectiveness of Vana, he found himself on more than one occasion wishing he would just leave them alone.

A few nights after they reached Dunland, Kíli found himself thinking this very thought. Vana volunteered for the first watch as the caravan was settling down for the night and Dwalin immediately volunteered himself as well. To his surprise, however, Vana shook her head.  
“Dwalin, you’re exhausted,” she said, tucking her hair behind her ear, allowing her braid to swing forward. “You should sleep tonight, you’re not getting any younger you know.” She grinned cheekily at his offended expression.  
“I think yeh’ll find, lassie, that dwarves only get tougher as they get older.”  
“You keep telling yourself that,” she chuckled. “But you’re still sleeping tonight.” Then she looked over at Kíli. “Kíli can stay up with me.”  
The young prince’s head snapped up at that and he felt his heart flutter slightly as she smiled at him. _What is the matter with you? It’s only a watch._  
“Yes,” his mouth said. “Absolutely, I’ll keep watch.”  
Dwalin let out a low hum as he regarded him and Kíli held his gaze, using every scrap of his will power to keep his face straight.  
“Very well,” Dwalin eventually nodded. “I’ll be right over there.” With that, he headed over to one of the caravans.  
The merchants were sleeping mainly in their own carts while the guards slept on bedrolls. Kíli went to sit next to Vana by the campfire and they watched as the others all settled down, wishing them good night as they went. Eventually the campsite was filled with gentle snoring and Kíli took a look around before he lit up his pipe.  
“Can I ask you something?” Vana asked softly.  
“You just did,” he replied, smiling at her. She immediately returned it and he felt his face heat up. _It’s just the warmth of the fire_ , he told himself.  
“Does it feel like this every time?” she asked, shifting her gaze up to the night sky.  
“Feel like what?”  
“Like you’re completely unburdened? Like you have nothing to worry about. All you have to do is keep on riding until you get to your destination.”  
Kíli watched her eyes flit across the sky, watched her lips curl into a small smile as she spoke; he could almost see the burdens lifting from her shoulders. It was only when she turned to look at him questioningly that he realised he hadn’t answered her.  
“Yes,” he breathed, clearing his throat as he went back to his pipe. “Though I’m always happy to come back home.”  
“You wouldn’t ever want to just keep going? To see what else there is out there?”  
“Maybe, for a while at least, but I always find that the further I go, the more I’m called home.”  
“Why?”  
“Well,” he smirked. “Firstly because Âmad always makes me promise to return to her.” The soft, musical timbre of her laughter sounded in his ears and he closed his eyes briefly just to listen to it.  
“Yes, your mother is very difficult to say no to.”  
“Indeed,” he said with a grin.  
“What’s the other reason?”  
“Well,” he turned to face her. She was looking at him so curiously, and he could see the glimmer of firelight in her eyes. His mouth seemed to answer almost automatically. “I miss you.”  
Her eyebrows contracted slightly and he realised what he’d just said. He immediately averted his eyes and shoved his pipe into his mouth. “And Fíli, and Uncle. I miss everyone I’ve left behind while I’m away.”  
He saw her nod out of the corner of his eye.  
“I understand that,” she said softly and he froze when she felt her hand touch his arm. Through his coat and shirt he could feel how warm her skin was, and it burned into him like a branding iron. He swallowed hard and turned to face her, his instincts screaming a thousand different things.  
_Stay still! Run away! Smoke some more! Say something! Say nothing! Shake her off! Kiss her! Wait – what?_  
“I miss you when you’re gone too.” She smiled and his mind went blank. He could only imagine how stupid he looked as he stared wide-eyed at her. Then her smile faded and her grip on his arm tightened. Before he could even frown at her change in expression her head whipped round and she yelled.  
“ATTACK! ATTACK! WAKE UP!”  
No sooner had she leaped to her feet than a series of animalistic roars echoed all around them and Kíli could see shadows charging towards them. He grabbed the sword at his side and drew it, cursing himself for leaving his bow by the caravans. Vana had already picked up her bow and nocked an arrow, dropping to one knee and firing into the darkness. A single pained cry sounded amongst the yells. The guards were getting to their feet and drawing their own weapons, bunching together around the caravans.  
“VANA!!” Dwalin shouted.  
“WE'RE SURROUNDED!” She cried, firing two more arrows into the oncoming attackers.  
In the firelight Kíli could make out wild, bushy hair and beards, along with several crudely made axes and spears raised above their heads. _Wild men!_  
“Protect the caravan!” Dwalin yelled, brandishing his axes as the attackers drew closer. Vana slung her bow onto her back and picked up her sword from the ground just in time for one of the men to charge her.  
He was an entire foot taller than her and Kíli thought he would faint as he swung his axe towards her, but she almost effortlessly dodged the attack and buried her sword in his gut. Then the wild men were on them and Kíli lost sight of her. He parried and stabbed and kicked as they surrounded the campsite. There must have been at least forty of them, outnumbering them two to one.  
He heard the shouts of his fellow guards, several Khuzdul curses coming from his dwarven companions. By now the merchants who could use a sword were out of the caravans, joining the fight. The wild men were savage and had the advantage of surprise, but there was no discipline among them. Kíli kept half an ear open for Dwalin’s orders, closing in around the caravan and fighting side by side with the other guards. It wouldn’t take long for them to kill them all or fight them off. Before long, enough of them had fallen that he could see Vana again, fighting two at once. She caught one of them in the arm with her blade before turning to parry attack from the other, becoming locked in a duel. The first then raised his arm to swing his sword into her back – where she couldn’t see it coming. Kíli’s vision seemed to go black for a split second and he felt his legs carry him forward, barrelling into the man with a roar of fury. They toppled to the ground, and Kíli rolled away quickly to regain his feet. He exchanged blows with the man before feinting to the right, trying to catch him off guard. The man didn’t fall for it and Kíli yelled at the blast of pain in his left thigh.  
“KILI!” Vana’s scream echoed in his ear as he fell to the ground, only just bringing his sword up in time to block the man’s aim at his chest. Before he could attack again the man suddenly froze, staring wide-eyed at Kíli as blood filled his mouth.  
He collapsed to his knees in front of him, revealing Vana standing behind him, her sword buried into his back with a feral snarl on her face. She wrenched her sword out of his back and swung it savagely, severing his head in one blow. For a split second Kíli was almost afraid of her expression, but it softened as soon as she laid eyes on him. She knelt next to him, dropping her sword to the ground and bringing her hand to his cheek. Even after a fight, her skin was so soft.  
“Kíli!” He barely registered her voice speaking to him. “You’re hurt!”  
“No, no,” he shook his head almost instinctively. “I’m fine! It’s just a scratch!” To prove his point he sat up and placed a hand over the wound in his thigh, only to find his hand drenched in something hot and sticky. _  
My blood_ , he realised. _A lot of my blood…_  
“Dwalin!” She screamed, looking desperately back towards the caravan. The fight was over almost as quickly as it had begun. The wild men were dead and as far as Kíli could see, no one else was hurt. _Just me then. Fantastic._

_Vana_

“Oh gods! Kíli I’m sorry!”  
In any other circumstances I would have cringed at how shrill my voice sounded, but the sight of Kíli’s blood was sending me into a panic. His face looked pale in the darkness as Dwalin came running with a torch.  
“Vana! Are yeh hurt lass?”  
“No, not me! Kíli!”  
“I’m fine,” the young prince protested in a pained voice, leaning up onto his elbows. “It’s nothing.” The torchlight revealed a deep cut in Kíli’s thigh and the material of his trousers were stained black with blood.  
“Mahal, Kíli!” I gasped, covering my mouth with my hands to stop myself gagging.  
“We need some bandages over here!” Dwalin shouted to the other guards. One of the merchants nodded and sprinted towards the caravan. At Dwalin’s orders, another guard came over and took the torch, holding it above the wound.  
“That’s a deep cut there lad,” Dwalin said, shaking his head.  
“I’ve had worse,” Kíli said, attempting to shrug. “It’ll be fine with a bandage.”  
“There’s so much blood,” I murmured, unable to take my eyes off it.  
“Vana, look at me,” Kíli said with more conviction and I turned to see him smiling at me. “I’m fine, I promise. It looks worse than it is.”  
“May I be of assistance?” A deep, raspy voice sounded through the darkness and we all, except Kíli, immediately drew our weapons. Out of the night, a tall, lone figure emerged, dressed in a mud-stained grey travelling cloak, grey boots and a tall, grey pointed hat. He carried a long wooden staff in his hand and bore a long grey beard that extended down his front. His face was obscured in the shadows but his voice was calm and friendly.  
“I heard the commotion and I see one of you is injured.” He looked at Kíli and the corners of his beard seemed to twitch up as if he was smiling. “May I offer some help?”  
“Who are yeh?” Dwalin growled, tightening the grip on his axes.  
“Oh, I’m dreadfully sorry, where are my manners?” The old man lifted the brim of his hat up off his face to reveal glittering blue eyes. “My name is Gandalf. Gandalf the Grey.”  
“Tharkûn?” One of the guards asked. I frowned, not recognising the name.  
“The wandering wizard?” A merchant woman added.  
“Wizard?” I murmured, glancing at Kíli whose eyes had widened slightly.  
“Yes, Miss,” Gandalf said and I looked back to see him smiling at me. He then turned his gaze to Kíli. “I am a wizard and if you have no objection, young master Dwarf, I will heal your leg and then be on my way.”  
Kíli made no response, only looking over at Dwalin who was still scrutinising the wizard.  
“What are you doing out here by yourself?” I asked, lowering my sword.  
“I am journeying West to Rivendell,” he said. “I was resting under a tree, enjoying some pipeweed, when I heard a lot of shouting and clashing of weapons.” He glanced down at the bodies scattered around the campsite. “The Wild Men of Dunland are travelling in larger groups it seems.”  
“And you can heal him?” I glanced at Kíli’s blood-stained leg. Gandalf smiled once more.  
“Yes, I can, if he will allow it.” I looked back to Kíli, silently pleading him to accept. He gazed at me for a few moments before looking back to the wizard and nodding his consent. Gandalf’s smile grew wider as he approached, even as Dwalin refused to lower his axes.  
“Don’t try any tricks old man,” he growled and I glared at him.  
“Don’t worry, master dwarf,” Gandalf said, unmoved by Dwalin’s threatening stance as he walked around to kneel by Kíli’s injured leg.  
“I have no wish to harm a prince of Durin.” Kíli’s head snapped up the mention of his title and Dwalin visibly tensed.  
“You know who I am?” Kíli asked in a hushed voice, wincing slightly as the wizard gently prodded at the wound.  
“I do,” Gandalf replied, ignoring the tense atmosphere.  
“But I’ve never met you before.”  
“No you have not. I would know you anywhere, you look so much like your uncle.”  
Gandalf hummed slightly under his breath before letting his hand hover above Kíli’s leg, muttering under his breath. Kíli gasped harshly and I tightened my grip on my sword before seeing that his skin was knitting back together. A few minutes later, Kíli was grimacing as Gandalf withdrew his hand. I leaned forward to inspect and could see the skin of Kíli’s leg through the torn fabric of his trousers. The skin was red, as if inflamed, but there was no scar. I looked back to Kíli who was staring at his leg in shock.  
“Does it hurt?” He shook his head in response, slowly looking up at me.  
“I wouldn’t walk on it for the rest of the night if I were you,” Gandalf told him, leaning on his staff to get to his feet. “It will still give you some pain, but there’s no real damage. You’ll be running and fighting within a few days.”  
“Thank you, sir,” I said, looking up at the wizard. For the first time, he caught my eye and looked at me properly.  
“Gandalf,” he corrected me. “You are welcome Miss…” he trailed off, peering at me from beneath the bushiest eyebrows I had ever seen.  
“Vana.”  
“Hmm…” He hummed, his eyebrows contracting slightly as he stared at me. I began to feel uncomfortable but held his gaze.  
“A human woman with a dwarven braid,” he murmured, eyeing Dwalin’s bead dangling below my ear. Next to me, Kíli grew visibly more tense and Dwalin moved to stand between us.  
“My thanks for helpin’ my comrade,” he growled with forced politeness. “Is there somethin’ else I can help you with.”  
Gandalf’s expression immediately softened as he turned his head slightly to smile at Dwalin.  
“You serve Thorin Oakenshield do you not?”  
“Aye.”  
“Would you be so kind as to inform him that I am travelling in the West these days, and that should I happen to run into him during his travels, I should be very interested in speaking with him.” Dwalin regarded him for a moment before replying.  
“I’ll pass on the message.”  
“Thank you,” Gandalf nodded and turned to leave. Just before he passed back into the darkness he turned back once more. “Miss Vana? Did you perchance ever reside in the Eastfold?”  
I didn’t answer at first, frowning at him in confusion. I glanced at Dwalin who was watching my reaction carefully.  
“I live in the Blue Mountains with the Longbeards,” I told him.  
“Hmm.” That hum sounded once more before Gandalf stepped back into the darkness.  
“Wait!” I leaped to my feet and made to run after him only to be pulled back by Dwalin.  
“He’s gone lass.”  
“He recognised me! Didn’t you see?” I protested, searching the darkness desperately for any sign of him.  
“These wizards are a queer lot, I wouldn’t trust them.”  
“He asked if I ever lived in the Eastfold. That’s in Rohan isn’t it?”  
“It’s about a week’s ride from here.”  
“That’s not too far!”  
“Vana, our orders were to travel as far as the Gap of Rohan and then turn back.”  
“But -”  
“Vana?” Kíli called softly and I whipped around to see him staring wide-eyed at me. I pulled free of Dwalin’s grip and ran to his side.  
“What is it?” I asked, kneeling down to look at his leg. “Is something wrong? Are you in pain?”  
“Do you really want to go to the Eastfold?” I looked back up at him, watching the torchlight shimmer in his deep brown eyes. He looked…sad, almost afraid, and for some reason a felt a pang of guilt in my chest.  
“What if he saw me there?” I asked quietly. “Before I came to you. What if -?” I trailed off as his gaze cast downwards. I almost wanted to cry at his dejected expression, though I didn’t understand where it was coming from.  
“If it’s what you want we’ll go,” he said softly.  
“Yer uncle’s order were clear, laddie,” Dwalin pointed out. “There’s nothin’ in the Eastfold but a few villages and farms. No one there will care for our presence.”  
“This is the first clue I’ve ever had about where I came from,” I said, looking pleadingly at the old warrior. “I still don’t remember a thing.”  
“It’s not enough to go on. The word of a wizard who might have seen you once before. A wizard who’s been travelling these lands and meeting many people for thousands of years. Besides, the winter’s approaching, and I don’t want to stay out in the wilds for longer than necessary.”  
“But what if he’s right?”  
“It’s too big of a risk.”  
“Vana,” Kíli caught my attention. “It’s up to you. If you want to go then I will go with you, even if it’s just the two of us.”  
I stared at him, feeling the sudden urge to wrap my arms around him. But Dwalin’s words were resounding in my head, and the amount of sense they made weighed heavily on me, until they finally forced an acknowledgement out of me.  
“Fine, I’ll let it go, just this once.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To summarise:  
> Vana is badass. Kili's in denial. Thorin and Dis aren't fooled. Dwalin has no idea what's going on, but is still badass.  
> Final chapter(s) soon!


	19. Quest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! The grand finale - part one!  
> This is set the winter before An Unexpected Party, so almost ten years after Vana was brought to Ered Luin. Thorin has returned from searching for his father with a new quest in mind.  
> Also, prepare for some Mama Bear Dis

_Vana_

_Follow the wilds south west of the Blue Mountains, past Mithlond and the White Downs, then follow the path from Hobbiton down past Sarn Ford. Then it’s the Greenway down to Tharbad, and the North-South road will take us right to Rohan and from there…where?_

I traced the outskirts of the Eastfold with my finger. Rohan was a vast plain, hard to traverse at the best of times, even with a pony. The horses of the Rohirrim were bigger and lither than our ponies, but I doubted we could convince any of the Men to lend them to a party of dwarves. And where would we even go? Rohan was a big place, and who’s to say whoever may have been in the Eastfold is still there?  
“Going over those maps again, lassie?” I looked up to see Balin entering the library, looking over to me with a sympathetic smile. I couldn’t bring myself to return it and simply sighed.  
“It’s a fool’s hope, I know.”  
“No, not a fool,” he said kindly, sitting down opposite me. “It’s not foolish to long for the life you once had.”  
“Is it foolish when you don’t even know what kind of life that was?”  
He was kind enough not to answer that. I exhaled loudly and put my head in my hands.  
“Why can’t I let it go, Balin?”  
“Because you know in your heart there’s a piece missing,” he said softly. “But, lass, that doesn’t mean this is the answer.”  
“I know that wizard knew something.” I rested my hands back on the table. “I’m sure of it, I saw it in his eyes. He recognised me.”  
“That was over two years ago lass, and the wizard hasn’t been back since. The chances are, I’m afraid to say, that he was mistaken.”  
“I would swear on my life he wasn’t. I know he recognised me,” I gritted my teeth, clenching my hands into fists. “What I don’t know is why he just left without saying anything.”  
“Wizards are infamous for their tricks and riddles. Their mysterious ways are best left unknown to us.” He leaned across the table slightly, his kind old face soft despite the obvious tension. “I know you want to find out about your past, but this isn’t the way. It’s best that you let this go, and let it come back to you in its own time.”  
“No, Balin,” I shook my head slowly. “It’s been nearly ten years since Thorin first brought me here, and this is the first real clue I’ve ever been given. It’s not enough to know I can play fiddle, sing and ride well. Those are just details. I don’t know if I have a family who’s searching for me, or if they’re still living. I have no idea where I was born, I don’t even know when I was born.” I got to my feet and gently folded the maps back up. “I know you only want what’s best for me, but even if this is a dead end I have to try. I will travel to the Eastfold this summer, when the merchants leave.”  
“I don’t like the sound of that,” Balin protested.  
“I’ve been saving, and I have enough money to see me through a few months.”  
“It’s not safe, my dear, a woman travelling alone in a land strange to her.”  
“I won’t be alone,” I assured him. “Kíli promised to help me. I have to try.”

_Kili_

“Kíli!”  
Kíli spun round at the sound of his brother’s voice, only to receive a sharp blow to his shoulder with the flat of Dwalin’s blade. He cried out in pain and glared at the old warrior, rubbing his sore arm.  
“Don’ get distracted,” Dwalin smirked.  
“Kíli!” Fíli called him again, breathing heavily with exertion. “Uncle’s back. He’s summoned us to a meeting. You too Dwalin.”  
The ache in his shoulder forgotten, Kíli’s mouth split into a wide grin. “He’s back? How is he? Did he find our grandfather?” His smile fell when Fíli shook his head.  
“He says it’s urgent that he speaks with us immediately. Make haste!”  
Kíli didn’t need to be told again, shoving his sword into the hands of a nearby dwarf and following his brother with Dwalin close on his hills.

The three of them were panting heavily when they made it to Thorin’s study and they entered to find their uncle, still in his travel-stained boots and cloak, waiting with their mother and Balin.  
“Uncle!” Kíli greeted him with a wide smile and embraced him. “Welcome back!”  
“Thank you, Kíli,” Thorin replied with a tired smile.  
“Good to see yeh, my friend,” Dwalin beamed, grasping the king’s arm and shoulder.  
“And you,” Thorin replied, gently butting foreheads with his comrade. “Thank you for coming. I have something to discuss with all of you, something of great importance.”  
“And what’s that?” Dis said, her arms folded across her chest. Thorin made a quick glance at the door, as if expecting someone to burst in, before beckoning them all closer so they stood in a close circle in the middle of the room.  
“As you all know, I left here some months ago in search of my father. I searched all over Dunland and the surrounding paths, and found no sign of him.” He sent an apologetic glance at his sister, who only nodded sadly. “On the way back I stopped at the inn in Bree, where I was approached by an old man. A wizard, named Gandalf.”  
This time he looked at Kíli, who instantly recognised the name of the wizard who healed his leg.  
“He said he wanted to speak with you, but that was years ago now.”  
“He found me,” Thorin nodded and continued. “In fact, he prevented me from having to defend myself against two assassins.”  
“What?” Dis gasped.  
“Two Men,” Thorin growled. “Sent to kill me by someone I do not know. Gandalf showed me a message he’d taken from a group of them on the East road. A promise of payment for my head, written in Black Speech.”  
Dwalin practically snarled at this. “You should never have gone alone!”  
“There’s nothing to be done about it now, but that is not why I called you here. Gandalf sought me out to tell me of the last time he saw Thráin. He told my father to return to Erebor with the seven dwarf armies and destroy the dragon.”  
At the mention of their old home, Kíli saw his mother, Balin and Dwalin stiffen, staring at Thorin with matching looks of horror. Thorin took a deep breath before his next words came out almost indiscernibly: “Now he asks that I fulfil this task.”

There was heavy silence that followed his declaration. Kíli heard nothing but the sound of his own breathing as he looked to his older brother. Fíli only glanced at him with wide eyes before turning back to his uncle.  
“Thorin,” Dis finally whispered and her brother turned to face her. “This is madness. You cannot possibly be considering this.”  
“I am,” he stated, a small smile breaking over his serious expression. “We could go home, little sister.”  
“No, no,” she shook her head. “This is impossible. It’s a suicide mission!”  
“Gandalf believes it can be done. He has asked that I call a meeting of the seven dwarf kingdoms to gain their support, meanwhile he will find us a burglar to steal the Arkenstone from within the Mountain. It is the only way they will rally to our cause.”  
“Have you forgotten what lies in that Mountain, Thorin?” Dis growled. Thorin’s smile became a glare and he clenched his fists before answering.  
“I could never forget.”  
“Then you must be completely mad!” She threw her hands in the air.  
“Don’t say that.”  
“How else do you explain this absurd idea?” Kíli flinched as his mother’s voice grew shrill. “Thorin, no. You cannot do this.”  
“I have to. This may be my last chance to finish what our grandfather and our father could not. Our last chance to restore our great kingdom.”  
Dis shook her head slightly but her expression was conflicted. It was then that Dwalin spoke up.  
“If this is what yeh want to do, then yeh know I will follow you. To whatever end.” Thorin gazed at his oldest friend for a few moments before nodding.  
“Thank you, Dwalin.”  
“As will I,” Fíli said, nodding to his uncle, and Kíli thought to himself that his brother had never looked more regal. Almost instinctively he was also nodding.  
“And I.”  
“YOU MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT!” Dis’ thundering shout made them all jump in surprise.  
“Âmad -”  
“NO! Fíli, do not even attempt to try and convince me this is a good idea. It will never work.”  
“If Uncle Thorin needs us then you know we will follow him.”  
“Aye,” Kíli agreed. “We’re his heirs!”  
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Dis snapped. “This is a long, hard journey across the world to a mountain with a sleeping dragon. I will die before I let my sons anywhere near that place!”  
“That place was our home once, Dis,” Thorin said softly. “You are too young to remember, but it was beautiful and prosperous. We were happy there, and we can be so again.”  
“We’re happy here,” she said, glaring at her brother. “We have built a new life here, and it is a good one. A peaceful one. Why can’t you just accept that?”  
“It’s not enough,” Thorin said sharply. “Not anymore. Our father and grandfather dreamed of the day they could bring us all home. Of the day our kin could reclaim our wealth and our standing. We used to be the most respected of all dwarven clans, until we were forced into poverty and begging, and then this place…poor lodgings in exile! No longer. Make no mistake, Dis, I will take back our homeland. I will reclaim my throne, and I will restore our kingdom.”  
By the end of his tirade, Thorin was breathing fast and Kíli could feel his heart hammering in his chest, along with that familiar twist in his gut; the longing for adventure, to see the old kingdom and the halls of their fathers.  
“Thorin,” Dis’ voice was now quiet, almost childishly so, and Kíli glanced at his brother. Fíli looked just as confused; they both suddenly yearned for the shouting. “I cannot go through this again. I cannot lose my remaining family. I won’t survive it.” Dis’ jaw trembled as she spoke, and Thorin’s expression softened. For a moment, Kíli could have sworn he saw a tear shining in his uncle’s eye. Slowly, his uncle moved towards his mother and gently placed a hand on her shoulder.  
“I have to do this, Dis. I cannot let that beast lie there any longer. If I don’t take this chance, our home will be lost to us forever. You must understand.” She closed her eyes as she steadied her breathing, biting back tears and hardening her expression. Finally, she opened her eyes and fixed her brother with a stony gaze.  
“So be it, but you will not take my sons.”  
“Âmad -!” Fíli began to protest but a sharp look from Dis shut him up.  
“I am not discussing this further!” With that she stormed out of the room, slamming the door with such force the walls shuddered.  
“Uncle,” Fíli addressed Thorin with a determined expression. “Do you command us to stay?”  
Before he could answer, Kíli cut him off. “You can’t! It’s as you said – this is too important. This quest affects us too, you can’t ask us to stay behind while you risk your life!”  
“Both of you are of age,” Thorin replied calmly. “If you can convince your mother, I would welcome your support.”  
Kíli exchanged a wide grin with his brother, his heart leaping with excitement before Thorin’s serious expression brought them back to earth.  
“This will not be like your travels before. This is a serious and dangerous mission. There’s a price on my head, and we will be crossing some very dangerous territories. Then there’s the question of the dragon. I want you to understand exactly what it is you are getting into before you reach a decision. There will be no dishonour if you decide to stay.”  
“I doubt that we will,” Fíli told him. “But we will think on it and we will speak to Âmad, as you wish.”  
Kíli wanted to protest, irritated that they were being treated like children, but a sharp look from his brother he sighed and nodded in agreement.  
“Balin?” Thorin turned to his adviser. “You have been quiet so far. Do I have your support in this?”  
The white-haired dwarf looked solemnly at his brother, and then to his king. “Are you absolutely sure about this Thorin?”  
“I am.” Balin nodded slowly and then said with a sigh: “Then you have my support. And if you would have me, I too will follow you, and see this quest through to whatever end.”  
Thorin smiled softly at his old adviser, stepping forward to lock foreheads briefly with him.  
“Thank you, Balin.” He took a step back. “First, I would ask you to send a raven to each of the dwarf kingdoms, summoning them to a meeting this coming spring, as soon as the snows clear up. Do not tell them any details, in case it is intercepted. Just make it clear that it’s an urgent matter. Fíli, Kíli.” He turned to his nephews. “I want you to spread word around the kingdom. I need volunteers to join me, but only volunteers. I will not command any dwarf to follow me who does not wish it. Make sure they understand this is a dangerous mission, but for those who do follow me, should we succeed, there will be a rich reward. Erebor is home to the greatest treasure horde the world has ever seen, and a generous share will be offered to those who join my company.”

 _Three days later_.

Kíli was utterly exhausted as he walked back to his rooms with his brother, though he couldn’t complain. It was the better kind of exhausted where he felt as if he’d accomplished a lot for the day. They had spread the word amongst their friends that Thorin was looking for volunteers. Ori, Nori and Gimli and offered their services straight away and eventually, after much persuasion from both princes, Ori and Nori, their older brother Dori had conceded that Ori could go, but only if he could accompany them. Nori had insisted that it would be good for Ori to experience the outside world and Kíli almost groaned out loud at Dori’s mothering over his youngest brother. Gimli’s parents, as it turned out, were much less easy to persuade, and in the end Fíli and Kíli had left them to it – it looked as if the ensuing argument would last the rest of the week. Bofur had been initially very interested, until the mention of the dragon at which he had told them he would think it over and talk about it with his brother and cousin. Many others had similar responses, while others outright refused, calling the quest ‘reckless’, ‘fruitless’, ‘suicidal’, and many other words that their mother would have appreciated.  
“Do you think we should try speaking to Âmad again?” Kíli asked his brother as they entered his chambers.  
“Three days should be enough for her to calm down,” Fíli replied, collapsing into one of Kíli’s armchairs. “But I don’t think we should both talk to her together. You know what she’s like when she gets defensive.”  
“Then who should go first?” Kíli sat down in the chair opposite.  
“I will,” Fíli cocked an eyebrow. “As obstinate as she is, you’re much worse.”  
“I am not!” Kíli protested, glaring at Fíli’s knowing smirk. “What are you going to say to her?”  
“I’m just going to talk with her. If I rehearse a speech she’ll see right through it.”  
“If she refuses to let us go…we can still go can’t we?”  
“I don’t know if we should.” Fíli leaned forward slightly, clasping his hands together and resting his elbows on his knees. “We can’t just leave Âmad without her blessing. She’d never forgive us, and it will make the separation that much worse.”  
“She’ll worry either way. Doesn’t she understand how important this is?”  
“I think she does, but remember, she has watched many of her family leave, only for them to never return. She saw her entire family off to war, and the only one to return was Thorin; and our father...” He trailed off, looking down at his hands.  
Kíli swallowed, conjuring up the old picture of his mother’s in his head. A strong dwarf with golden hair and deep brown eyes, one so close to him though he had never known him.  
“Do you remember him?” He asked softly.  
“You’ve asked me that before.”  
“Tell me again?”  
Fíli looked up at his little brother, sitting forward in his chair as he would when he was a child, wanting to hear stories about monsters and battles from Balin, or stories about Erebor from their uncle, as well as stories about his father.  
“I remember he came to see me the night before he left. You were still in a cot in my room. He came to you first, he leaned down and you grabbed onto his finger in your sleep. He stayed there a few moments and kissed your fuzzy little head before letting you go and coming to sit on my bed. He told me he was leaving the following morning, but he’d be back within a week and until then I was to look after you and Âmad. Then he kissed me and I hugged him tightly so he wouldn’t leave. He stayed until I’d fallen asleep. When I woke up he was already gone, but Âmad told me at breakfast that he promised to take me outside the fortress when he was back, to see the forest.”  
Kíli felt that familiar stab of envy as he attempted to envision Fíli’s memory for himself, tried to picture his father kissing him good night. In the end, the image kept shifting back to Fíli, who shared so much of Nalí’s appearance.  
“Kee?” “Yes?” Kíli blinked, snapping out of his daydream. “Have you thought about what you’re going to say to Vana?” Kíli sighed at that.  
“I don’t know. I suppose I will say ‘farewell until we next meet’ as I would say to any other friend.”  
“But she’s not any other friend.”  
“I don’t want her to feel as if she has to wait for me,” Kíli frowned, ignoring what his brother was getting at. He’d known most of his life that Fíli could read him like a book, and he’d not been surprised when Fíli had figured out his feelings for Vana, even before he had himself. He knew now that he was in love with her, but what good did it do him? She was human, he would outlive her hugely, she could at any moment remember her previous life and go back to it, and now he was going on the most dangerous and most important quest of his life. He couldn’t tell her now, even if he wanted to.  
“It’s best that she doesn’t know now, or maybe ever.”  
“Kee, you cannot ignore this. You know what Âmad says, when dwarves love they love -”  
“Hard, and stubborn as they are, I know,” Kíli huffed. “She also said we should choose wisely whom we love, if we possibly can. I’ve always failed at making wise choices.”  
“Who is to say she isn’t a -”  
Kíli shot his brother a look that made him stop. They had had this conversation many times now, and it had never ended well. Fíli knew very well the reasons that Kíli could never love Vana properly, as she deserved, he just never accepted them.  
“Speaking of Âmad, I think I will speak to her now,” Fíli said, hauling himself out of the chair with a groan. “Mahal, have mercy! I am becoming an old man before my time.”  
“I thought I saw some grey in your hair just now,” Kíli grinned at his brother’s mock glare.  
“Oh, before I enter the bear’s den,” he turned to face him with his hand on the door knob. “Does Vana know of this mission yet?”  
Kíli shook his head. “I haven’t told her.”  
“You should. She’ll be furious if she hears it from someone else.”  
Kíli only nodded in response and wished his brother luck as he left.

He resettled himself in his chair, staring into the crackling fire the maids had lit in his absence. He should tell Vana himself, but what would he say?  
_Just so you know, Fíli and I are leaving on an incredibly long and dangerous quest. If you don’t hear from us within a year it is safe to assume we have been eaten by a dragon.  
Vana, I need to tell you something. I’m going away with Uncle and Fíli. Oh, and Balin and Dwalin, your two guardians as well. We’re going to reclaim Erebor, that is, assuming the dragon doesn’t eat us first.  
Vana, I have to go away, but I will come back if I possibly can because I - What? Love you? Want to marry you? Will miss you every moment you’re not with me? Will dream of you? Will wonder if you miss me as much as I will miss you?  
Mahal, I am a fool._  
His final thought was proven correct when his door burst open and slammed shut just as quickly, leaving a very angry, very breathless Vana glaring at him with more fury than he’d ever seen in her before.  
“You bastard.” Her voice was eerily soft, dripping with venom like an aggravated snake and her chest was heaving as she tried to get her breath back. He swallowed hard before attempting to formulate an answer.  
“Wha-?”  
“You’re leaving.”  
At her statement, he could only sigh at his own stupidity. Of course she would find out. He couldn’t bring himself to look at her as he answered.  
“Yes. Uncle needs us.”  
“You didn’t tell me.”  
“No.”  
“Why?”  
_Because I don’t want you put in danger. Because I want you to stay. Because I know you’ll want to come with us. Because I love you…_  
“I don’t want you to come.”  
He almost winced at the harshness of his own words, but she remained completely still. Her face was blank but her eyes burned into him like a branding iron. He waited for the yelling, the crying, the blow to the head; he didn’t know what he was waiting for. But he certainly didn’t expect her to stay so calm.  
“That’s not your decision to make,” she told him, flatly. “This involves my family, how dare you try and keep me out of this.”  
“Dwalin or Balin didn’t tell you either.”  
_And now I sound like a petulant child…_  
“Don’t change the subject.”  
“You shouldn’t come,” he said firmly, finally mustering the courage to meet her eyes. “This mission doesn’t concern you.”  
Her jaw clenched at his words and she was fighting so hard to remain calm that he could see her trembling.  
“It doesn’t concern -? Dwalin and Balin, who adopted me, are following Thorin, who rescued me, across the world, along with you and Fíli, my closest friends, to an abandoned mountain to kill a dragon. The only family I’ve ever known are trekking halfway across the world on what is widely known as a suicide mission and you’re telling me it doesn’t concern me? Did you think I wouldn’t care that you’re risking your lives for a treasure hoard?”  
“It’s not a treasure hoard!” he snapped. “It’s our kingdom, our home, our legacy. It’s my uncle’s birthright and Fíli’s inheritance. Erebor is the greatest of the dwarf kingdoms, we belong there!”  
“Your home?” she almost shrieked. “You’ve never been there! You’ve never been farther East than Dunland! This is your home, with your family and friends. I cannot believe you would give all that up for a grand cavern full of gold!”  
“It’s important to Uncle! He’s spent his entire life dreaming of going home. He’s given up so much for us. We can’t let him do this alone!”  
“But you’re happy to leave me alone!”  
“I’m not happy about it!”  
“Good, then you won’t mind if I go to Thorin right now and volunteer.”  
She turned on her heel and marched towards the door before Kíli could fully register her words. He sprinted across the room and rammed his arm against the door as she opened it, slamming it shut again. She flinched at the sound and for a moment her eyes went wide with panic before she blinked hard and faced him with a look of pure fury.  
“Let me out, Kíli.”  
“I’m not letting you do this.”  
“I’m not asking you.”  
“You’re not coming with us.”  
“What makes you think you can stop me?” She glared and put her hands on her hips.  
“I don’t want you there, isn’t that enough?”  
“I don’t believe you.”  
Kíli couldn’t help but groan. She was relentless.  
“How can I make it any clearer?”  
“You can tell me why you’re acting like you hate me?”  
“I’m not doing that.”  
“Why don’t you want me there then?” She exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. “Is it because I’m a woman?”  
“What? No, of course not!”  
“You don’t think I can defend myself? You think I’m too stupid to understand?”  
“You know that’s not true!”  
“You want me to stay here and ride ponies and play my fiddle while you all march off to fight a dragon?”  
“Vana -”  
“Never mind the times we’ve travelled together in the past and I’ve had to save your hide! Never mind the last ten years of you telling me I was capable of anything! You still see me as the girl who needed rescuing don’t you?”  
“I DON’T WANT YOU COMING BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” The words burst out of him before he could stop them. “I WANT YOU TO STAY WHERE I KNOW YOU’RE SAFE BECAUSE IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO YOU I COULD NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF!”  
She stepped back as if he’d hit her, her eyes widening in shock. He was breathing heavily, his heart pounding in his ears as he realised what he’d just said. He’d kept this secret for so long, no one but his brother knew. After all the time he spent convincing himself it was the right thing to do, to keep it from her, imagining all the things that could go wrong, listing all the reasons why he couldn’t be with her over and over again in his head whenever she smiled at him, leaving his fantasies for his dreams – after everything, he’d succumbed to impulse yet again and in the space of a few seconds he had ruined his decade-long friendship.  
Without another word, he pulled the door open and sprinted out, trying to silence his mind telling him he could hear her softly call his name.


	20. Not goodbye.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last! We reach the end of the beginning!  
> Next up: That time Gandalf thought something would be most amusing...

_ Fíli _

Fíli knocked softly on his mother’s door with a heavy heart. It was imperative to him that he joined Thorin on this journey. It was his duty as heir, something he had accepted almost two decades ago when he came of age and Thorin had named him the next in line. At the time it was assumed that he would take over the leadership of the settlement in Ered Luin after Thorin, but there was always a nagging thought in the back of his mind: what if there was a way to return to the kingdom of old, the home that his uncle always spoke of in his and Kíli’s bedtime stories. If they succeeded in this task, he would be responsible for the upkeep and leadership of the greatest dwarven kingdom in Middle Earth, and that scared him much more than his mother did.  
She answered his knock with a firm ‘Enter,’ and he made sure to slip a gentle smile onto his face as he went in. She was sitting in her favourite armchair by the fireplace, a book in hand and she returned his smile as he sat opposite her.  
“How was your day?” he asked her.  
“Not too interesting,” she responded. “There was a small dispute between the dressmakers and the cotton merchants that needed dealing with. I won’t bore you with the details. And you?”  
“I’ve been spreading the word with Kíli about Thorin’s proposition.”  
Her smile faded at this and, as he had predicted, she grew visibly tense. She closed her book and looked back towards the fireplace as he leaned forward slightly, regarding her more seriously.  
“We need to talk about this Âmad.”  
She sighed deeply. “I thought I said there was nothing to talk about.”  
“You did, unfortunately you’re wrong. This is going to happen Âmad, many others around Ered Luin are thinking very seriously about supporting us.”  
“Us?” she whispered, closing her eyes. “Is it ‘us’ already?”    
“Of course it is,” he told her firmly. “You know I must follow him. You’ve known since my sixty-fifth birthday.”  
“I never imagined he would actually consider this. Not without ironclad evidence that the dragon was dead, and not without the support of the seven armies.”  
“We will have their support before long.”  
“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” She opened her eyes and faced him with a stern expression that immediately made him feel he was a dwarfling again. “They swore an oath to the dwarf who carries the king’s jewel. Without that bloody gem they have every reason to refuse, a large fire-breathing reason in particular.”  
“Have you so little faith in us?” he frowned. Her face immediately softened.  
“Not in you, my son, never. And not in my brother either.” She opened the cover of her book to pull out a folded piece of parchment, handing it to him. He knew what it was immediately before he opened it; an old sketched portrait of his father that his mother had drawn shortly after they had married. He was sitting in the very armchair Fíli sat in now, smoking his pipe and smiling softly up over to his artist. He knew this picture well.  
“You are so much like him,” Dis said softly. “You have his hair, his bearing and his faith. He always believed in my brother’s leadership and his loyalty to all of us was unbreakable. When we first met, he was much more like Kíli, wild and cheeky, always up to mischief up until even after we married. The day I told him he was going to be a father, he changed. He was much more responsible, much more serious, but that smile of his never faltered.  
“There is such a burden on you, Fíli. I never wanted that for you.”  
“I know,” he said softly. He placed the picture on the table next to him before moving to kneel before his mother and take her hands in his.  
“I know you love us, Kíli and me. I know we have driven you crazy with our mischief over the decades. But this is important to us. This quest will change our entire lives, whether or not we go. Erebor is our history and our future. If Thorin succeeds in reclaiming it, then I will be king one day, and that is something I cannot accept in good conscience if I don’t play a part in this. I cannot sit back and let Thorin do all the work, as his heir and his nephew I cannot. You must understand that?”  
“I do, Mahal help me, I do,” she said, taking a deep, stoic breath. He could see the different emotions swimming through her eyes but she wouldn’t let them surface. “But can you possibly understand the danger that surrounds a dragon and its gold?”  
“I doubt I can fully understand it,” he admitted. “And I’m not afraid to say that it frightens me, the thought of losing any of my friends, or Thorin, or Kee.”  
“Then you understand why I can’t possibly accept my only sons going!” She exclaimed, her grip tightening around his hands. “I’ve lost a mother to the dragon, a father, grandfather and brother to the war, I can’t possibly lose anyone else!”  
“I won’t let that happen!” he insisted. “I will do everything in my power to protect Kíli and Thorin.”  
“I know you will,” she said with a wavering smile, freeing one hand to cup his cheek. “But it’s not just the dragon that worries me. Even if by some miracle this quest works and you defeat it, the gold will be riddled with it.”  
“With what?” he frowned.  
“The sickness, Fíli. That gold drove my grandfather mad. The gold lust he developed is what drew the dragon to the mountain in the first place. Gold by itself is bad enough, but gold infested with the greed of a dragon? It will overcome him.”  
“Thorin?”  
“Aye,” she nodded sadly. “He does not see it, or does not want to, but our family is cursed with it. I don’t know if it’s the Arkenstone, or Durin’s blood, or a mixture of the two, but our line is particularly susceptible to this madness. Thorin is proud and stubborn enough for twenty of our kin, but I doubt that will help. If it overcomes him, I fear it will overcome you as well.”  
Fíli swallowed hard at this revelation. He knew of the gold lust and of Thrór’s madness, but he never knew it was a curse – that he was at risk as well. He thought for a few moments before replying with a new conviction.  
“I may be of Durin’s line, but my father was Náli, a hunter from the Blue Mountains. He was not of noble stock, nor was he a great hero or warrior, at least not when you first met him, but I know that he was good and kind and noble nonetheless. The only reason that I am heir is because Thorin has no sons of his own. My title makes me a prince, but my heart makes me a brother and a son. I don’t want the power and glory of this quest, I only want to help my uncle, and prove that I am worthy of the honour he has granted me.”  
He watched a tear roll down her stern face and placed a kiss on her hands which were gripping his as if she never wanted to let go.  
“I can’t promise you won’t lose anyone else,” he continued softly. “Only Mahal can know that. But I can promise you that we will never disappoint you and that I will protect Kíli and Thorin to the best of my ability.”  
He stared at her with as much confidence and conviction as he could muster as the tears rolled softly and silently down her face. He could count on one hand the number of times he had seen her cry in his entire life, but this moment was particularly poignant. Dis, daughter of Thráin, was hardened from growing up on the road, stoic and proud, a princess of Durin’s folk. Tears didn’t belong in her eyes, yet here she was. She took a deep, shuddering breath and stood, pulling him up with her and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close with a hand on his head, stroking his blonde hair. He hugged her back, trying to suppress the tightening feeling in his throat as he felt a hot tear drip onto his neck.  
“Mahal’s hammer, but you’re so stubborn!” She grumbled and he burst out laughing.  
“I get that from you.”  
“Something else that runs in our blood,” she agreed, pulling away slightly to take his face in her hands, her face serious once more. “You will not be reckless, you will not try to be heroic. You will be the smart, brave dwarf I know you to be, and you will watch over your brother. And both of you will come back to me, even if you have to turn tail and run to do so.”  
“I promise, Âmad, I will not abandon my duties,” he vowed and her face softened into a smile once more as she pressed her forehead against his.  
A flurry of voices reached their ears and Fíli frowned, looking back towards the door.  
“What’s going on out there?” Dis asked.  
“I think Kíli finally told Vana,” he said, smirking slightly as he turned back to his mother. “And I think it’s going well.”  
Dis only shook her head, a matching smirk edging across her lips. Then she looked her son in the eye once again.  
“You’ll have your work cut out for you.”

_ Vana _

The sun was setting by the time I found him. He was sitting on the grass, his pipe in one hand and the other picking at a loose thread on the seam of his trousers. I smiled slightly and shook my head.  
_Dis won’t be happy about that… He’s always picking at his clothes, scratching at his stubble, biting his nails, he can never sit still. He’s mischievous and reckless and hard-headed, typical young male dwarf.  
You can always tell when he’s up to something; his eyes get that sparkle, and that smile… It’s enough to make you breathless.  
He’s so reckless he’ll punch another dwarf in the face and start a fight in front of a whole crowd because that dwarf insulted you. He’ll break down doors to save you, and he’ll stay in your room, and your bed, against all senses of propriety to make sure you can sleep without nightmares.  
And he’s so damn stubborn that he’ll say anything to make you stay behind when he goes to fight a dragon. _  
The breeze blew the smoke and scent of his pipeweed back towards me, rich, slightly sweet and soothing, seeping deep into my bones and giving me the courage to take the next few steps towards him.  
“May I join you?” I asked, making him jump and spin around, his eyes wide. We stared at each other, waiting for the other to say something before he slowly nodded. I sat next to him, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. We both looked out over the lake for a few long minutes. Words raced around my head, each compilation more meaningless and bland than the next. Kíli’s outburst had completely changed the dynamic between us. It should have been uncharted territory, I should have had absolutely no idea what to say to him, but the truth was that I knew exactly what I wanted to say.  
He had been my rock, my lifeline, my teacher, my confidante, my best friend, and now…now what?  
_I should have thought this through while I was looking for him!_  
“I spoke to Thorin,” was the best I could come up with. My ineptness made me cringe.  
“About what?” he asked, snapping round to look at me with a frightened expression.  
“About this quest you’re going on,” I replied plainly. “He’s agreed to let me come.”  
He groaned audibly and put his head in his hands. “Why did you do that?”  
“Because Thorin is a great king and I respect him. I owe him everything and it’s time I started to repay him.”  
“And he let you come on the basis of debt?” He looked up at me scornfully.  
“He let me come because I convinced him I was an asset. I can fight, hunt, ride well and I can make sure the ponies you’ll be taken are in good condition and remain so.”  
“Vana -”  
“I know what you think about this. In fact I understand perfectly now.”  
He regarded me with an almost pained expression, before closing his eyes and sighing in defeat. He looked away from me, taking a long drag from his pipe. I looked down at the grass, noticing the blades around Kíli’s legs where he had been plucking it from the ground. Another tense silence followed and this time I took my time in choosing my words.  
“You ran off before I could say anything,”  
“I’m sorry,” he said softly.  
“Why?” I frowned, forcing myself to turn and look at him. “Why are you sorry?”  
“I…” he looked at me briefly before turning his gaze back to the lake, his face flushing as he mumbled. “I didn’t want to tell you like that.”  
I nodded and turned back to the lake. It was glowing orange and purple with the sunset, rippling ever so slightly with the breeze.  
“Kíli?”  
“Yes?”  
“How long have you been in love with me?”  
I saw him tense out of the corner of my eye and turned to see him ducking his head which was now a deep shade of red.  
“I’m not sure exactly. A while.”  
I nodded slowly, my mind oddly blank. I should be feeling…something. Confused? Happy? Angry? Scared? I was none and all of them at the same time. A part of me wanted to run and wait until the right words were prepared in my head before coming back. I had no idea what to do; and usually when I had no idea what to do, I asked Kíli.  
“Vana?” My voice on his lips came out as barely a whisper, but my heart still leapt at the sound of it. He turned to look at me, his face still red, his eyes glowing in the light of the setting sun, like two soft embers, waiting to be ignited or extinguished.  
“Vana, are you angry with me?” he asked quietly.  
“Yes.” I said flatly. He nodded meekly and began to turn away until I brought my hand up to his shoulder. He was tense when his eyes met mine again, his lips parting slightly in confusion.  
“How did you expect me to let you leave without me now that I know?” I asked before leaning over and pressing my lips against his. His lips were softer that I expected, and so very warm. He stiffened in surprise at first and I pulled away slightly, heat rising in my chest and face. Three achingly long seconds later he leaned towards me and I met him halfway. The kiss was long and sweet as we experimented with each other. His stubble was scratchy, but not in an irritating way, almost like extra stimulation. He placed his hand gently on my waist and I could feel the heat of his skin through my coat. His hands were strong and safe and I felt more at ease.  
My tongue gently teased his bottom lip before I slowly pushed it into his mouth, my hand gripping his shoulder slightly when he pressed back. I gripped the front of his coat with my other hand, pulling him closer.  
A little later he pulled back, his large hand coming up to stroke my face.  
“I dreamed of this so many times,” he whispered. “Can it really be true?”  
“Kíli,” I murmured his name and it took on a whole new meaning. His name meant safety and warmth and… _love?_  
“Vana,” he whispered my name in turn and gently pressed his forehead against mine. “I love you.”  
This time the words sent shivers down my spine, despite the heat flaring up in chest once more. I leant back, my eyes meeting his as they repeated the same words in their own manner. The very next thing I said to him was so important.  
“You make me feel so safe Kíli, and I couldn’t be happier right now even if I tried. This moment is so perfect, I don’t want to ruin it. I want to tell you the same, and I will soon, I know it. But right now, I’m just not ready.”  
I knew I was trembling at that moment and I hated myself for it. I gazed into his tender brown eyes and watched them crinkle as his face split into that wide smile I now treasured.  
“I can wait,” he said, stroking his fingers down my cheek, leaving tiny trails of fire behind.  
"And I think this should stay between us, at least for now," I added, watching him carefully for his reaction.  
“Knowing that you’re happy is all I need. This,” he paused to press his soft lips briefly against mine. “This is enough for now.”  
I smiled against his lips and kissed him back as the sun continued to sink below the horizon.

_ Thorin _

Thorin buried his head in his hands with a groan. He had spent an hour discussing the funds for the quest with Glóin before the treasurer eventually decided he would volunteer to join the company. His son had tried to volunteer himself but he was not yet of age and Glóin had forbidden it. The hour before that he had spent arguing with Vana. He remembered the day he requested this room in the fortress to be made into his study so he would have a room of peace to work in. Mahal did love His irony.  
He had only just settled in his chair again before a short, sharp knock sounded twice on the door.  
“Enter,” Thorin called. He couldn’t help but sigh once again as Dis entered the room. He would get no peace at all this evening. Once the door had swung closed he turned to face his sister, bracing himself for another onslaught.  
“Dis, I’ve had a very long day, so whatever it is, would you mind saying it and not shouting it.”  
“If I’d come to shout at you, Thorin, I wouldn’t have knocked.” Her mouth quirked up into a knowing smirk and Thorin chuckled.  
“Then what can I do for you?”  
“You can tell my sons they have to stay here.” She spoke so softly he almost didn’t hear her.  
“You know I won’t do that,” he said apologetically.  
“I know,” she whispered. “But I had to try one last time.”  
“They’ll be alright, Dis. I -”  
“Thorin, stop. Before you make any promises that will be impossible for you to keep.”  
He obeyed and looked at his feet until she spoke again.  
“You know how I feel about this Thorin,” she hissed. “I won’t go through it all again. I think you’re insane for thinking you can do this, and I think you’re downright cruel involving my boys.”  
He nodded, too tired to argue. She knew how he felt as well. He looked up at her when she didn’t speak only to realise she was waiting for him to meet her icy gaze.  
“Just know, brother, if anything happens to them, if they come home to me with so much as a hair on their head harmed, I will make sure the exact same thing happens to you. And if they don’t come home, I will never speak to you again.”  
“Understood,” he replied, just as stoically, even as his blood ran cold. She nodded curtly and turned to march out of the study before he reached for her and caught her hand.  
“I can promise you one thing,” he whispered.  
She turned to face him, her dark blue eyes almost frozen.  
“You will return home, Dis. To the place where you were born.”  
She stared at him, her face blank while her eyes betrayed the thousands of emotions she was fighting at once. Without another word she pulled her arm from his grip and slammed the door shut behind her.  
Thorin collapsed against the desk, with the entire day catching up to him. He knew Dis would never forgive him for this, and he didn’t blame her. What he couldn’t understand was why she didn’t see how important this was. She called him insane and cruel, the words that people had used to describe his grandfather before the dragon came. It cut him deeper than any sword.  
_I am not my grandfather.  
_ He sprung to his feet and marched out of the study.

As he suspected, Dwalin was still on the sparring grounds, gathering the weapons up to put away for the night. He called his name and the old warrior only had to look at him for the briefest of moments before he was pulling two swords back out and tossing one to his old friend. Thorin caught the sword with ease and they walked out into the grounds, beginning to circle each other.  
“Did yeh speak to young Gimli?” Dwalin asked, twirling his sword around his hand.  
“Aye,” Thorin nodded, giving his sword a few practice swings. “He’s not coming. His father offered to go himself.”  
“That’s good of ‘im.” Dwalin swung at him and Thorin blocked him easily. They exchanged blows with the old familiarity they had built up over the decades. He knew Dwalin’s technique almost as well as his own by now.  
“Dis came to speak to me as well,” he grunted, shoving Dwalin’s sword from where it almost struck his face.  
“And yeh survived?”  
“Just. She swore she would never speak to me again if I didn’t bring her boys back.” He swung particularly hard at his friend, making him groan at the impact.  
“She’s just scared, Thorin. She doesn’t mean it.”  
“I’m not so sure.”  
They continued sparring, Thorin longing for the familiar ache in his muscles.  
“She said I was insane. And cruel. Just like Thrór.” Dwalin barely blocked him that time.  
“She said that exactly?”  
“No,” he grimaced, throwing his entire weight behind his sword. “But that’s what she meant.”  
“I don’ believe that for a moment.” Dwalin threw him off, making him stumble. “Yer not him Thorin. You know that.”  
“Not yet. But the gold -” He stopped himself, lowering his sword and breathing heavily. “The gold, Dwalin.”  
He only just caught the glimmer of Dwalin’s blade in the dimming light in time as he sent a severe swing Thorin’s way. He brought his own sword up to lock it, groaning at the force running through his arm.  
“The gold isn’t the reason yer doin’ this Thorin,” said Dwalin. “We all know that.”  
Thorin didn’t answer, still trying to sneak past Dwalin’s defences, but the old warrior was far too good at picking up his attack patterns.  
“And the others?” he groaned at as Dwalin deflected him yet again. “Will they not be doing it for the gold?”  
“They will follow their king,” Dwalin grunted. “As they did before, with yer grandfather.”  
“I am not my grandfather,” Thorin said through gritted teeth, spinning away from Dwalin’s next blow and lowering his sword once again. This time Dwalin did the same.  
“I know that, Thorin,” he said softly.  
A few heavy moments of silence followed before Thorin looked his friend in the eye once more.  
“Why do you follow me Dwalin?”  
“Because yer my king,” he answered without hesitation. “And my comrade and my brother. I’ve never doubted yer leadership Thorin.”  
“And I’ve never doubted your loyalty.” He inclined his head towards his friend. “Nor will I.”

_ Kili _

His face was hurting from the grin splitting it in half, but still Kíli couldn’t bring himself to stop. He made his way back towards his chambers in a daze, trusting his legs to carry him there while he continued replaying the last hour in his mind.  
He had been convinced he had ruined everything, that she would never speak to him again, that she would leave. But instead she had kissed him.  
_She kissed me…_  
She had been so nervous, so timid, he almost feared she would run from him, but she had taken control so easily, and he had loved it. He thought his heart would burst with happiness.  
“Kíli?”  
His mother’s voice shocked him out of his reverie and he found that he had made it to the corridor and his mother was standing in the doorway of her chambers.  
“May I speak with you?” she asked, the quiet of her voice making him uneasy. He didn’t want to argue with her, he didn’t want to spoil the greatest evening of his life. But he nodded and entered her chamber where she closed the door behind him and sat in her favourite chair. He sat opposite her and decided to just get it over with.  
“Âmad, I know what you’re going to say. But we can’t let Thorin down. Fíli and I are both of age and there’s no question of us going on this quest -”  
“I know that Kíli.”  
“Erebor is our kingdom as well and – wait, what did you say?” he frowned.  
“I said I know,” she smirked slightly though her eyes were wide and sad. “I know I can’t stop you from going. I just wanted to tell you that, along with a few other things.” She leant forward in her seat slightly, her eyes turning stern as she regarded him in a way that made him feel like a dwarfling again. “First, you will be careful. And I _mean_ careful. No running into caves, no jumping off cliffs, no climbing trees, no getting into fights. You will act as if I am watching you the whole time. Secondly, you will listen to everything that Thorin says. If he tells you to run, you run, no questions. Thirdly,” she stood up from her chair and went to her desk, opening the drawer and retrieving something. She returned to her chair and stared at the object in her hand for a moment before holding it out to him. It was a small, polished rune stone inscribed with the Khuzdul runes: **_Innikh dê_**  
_Return to me._  
“It was your father’s,” she told him. “I gave it to him after we married, before he left on his first scouting mission. He took it with him every time he left and gave it to me when he returned. Thorin brought it back to me after he died. I want you to take it now,” she pressed it into his hand. “And I want you to bring it back to me.”  
“Âmad…” he whispered, staring down at it. It was smooth and light, appearing to be nothing more than a pebble. No thief would think anything of it, and yet it felt more precious than any jewel he had ever seen. He looked up to find her eyes swimming with tears, much to his surprise. He leaped out of his chair and wrapped his arms around her. “I promise I’ll come back, Âmad. You don’t have to worry about me.”  
“You come back to me in one piece and I’ll think about it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I will hopefully be able to put up another chapter every few days. No promises. Tags will be updated as we go along.


End file.
